Umm, I'm a little busy here

First things first -
Ex-Mom is going in for surgery today so I'm praying my little socks off. I'd be grateful for any well wishes and good thoughts you might send her way.

Now, an update of sorts...

I have 400 unread blogs in my reader. Y'all need to slow the hell down with the writey writey thing. I can't keep up.

I'm emailing/texting/talking/dating 4 guys at the moment... That's exhausting, let me tell ya! I've been out with 3 and I'll meet the fourth this week (Just first dates. I'm not a whore, honest). I like them all for different reasons. I'm hesitant with all of them for different reasons. BUT, I am having a blast... when I can remember which one I'm talking to. 1 plays guitar and has a hobby farm north east of here. One coaches football and has a custom built home with a hottub south west of here. One looks like he's 24 (only he's not, I swear. I checked his ID this weekend) and another rebuilds classic cars for fun. One was a stripper in his 20's and one served in the first gulf war. One has a beautiful blonde princess for a daughter and one has 2 GIANT greatdanes. One works for the state and two are self employed. Are you as turned around as I am yet?

Thing1's basketball is in full swing. School concerts are filling in the calendar and both Things seem to believe they should have a social life and a personal driver (me!).

Work is kicking my ass all over the place. My desk hasn't fully recovered from the seminar in Colorado but we've already had another one up north and plans are full swing for the international trip. On top of that we are recruiting for our next group!

Bring on the holidays. Who needs to sleep?

Lazy Friday

Because it's Friday and so cold in my office that my fingers are numb (No, that is not a figure of speech or an exaggeration. They really are numb) I'm going to be lazy and steal a MeMe from Kristen at All In A Mom's Life. I found her via Stacie and let me just say Yowza! She is Fab. And she's got an Eden's Fantasies give away going on that you could check into. But only do that if you want me to sneak into your bedroom and murder you in your sleep. You are my competition. Step away from the contest and no one gets hurt. (Just kidding... Sort of... Only not really.)

Anyway, back to the lazy...

There were no instructions from Kristen so I'll just go with what I remember from the last time I did one of these damn things.

Answer each question with ONLY ONE WORD. You can elaborate or explain an answer only if asked.

1. Where is your cell phone? elbow
2. Your hair? Up
3. Your mother? Brave
4. Your father? Field
5. Your favorite food? Spicy
6. Your dream last night? Hot
7. Your favorite drink? Jack
8. Your dream/goal? Stable
9. What room are you in? Office
10. Your hobby? Procrastinating
11. Your fear? Unwanted
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Settled
13. Where were you last night? Table
14. Something that you aren’t? Ambivalent
15. Muffins? Occasionally.
16. Wish list item? Wardrobe
17. Where did you grow up? Sun
18. Last thing you did? Email
19. What are you wearing? Scarf
20. Your TV? Off
21. Your pets? Sons
22. Friends? Awesome
23. Your life? Changing
24. Your mood? Nervous
25. Missing someone? Margaritaville
26. Vehicle? Yes
27. Something you’re not wearing? Parka
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? AM
31. Last time you cried? Lunch
32. Your best friend? True
33. One place that I go to over and over? Head
34. One person who emails me regularly? Momma
35. Favorite place to eat? Kitchen

I tag all of you. What's your word?

What the hell Sassy? It's Friday. Lighten the fuck up!

OK, so my last post was a bit mushy and introspective-y and annoying-y.

Let me redeem myself with THIS.
Thank you SneezeMan.
It will make you laugh. I promise.

And if you are a mother of boys it will make you laugh uncomfortably because OMG, SO TRUE!!!! Or your son is still very young and you should be laughing uncomfortably because I swear to GI Joe, your time is coming my friend and just you wait! The amazing ability for my sons to completely boggle my mind and gross me the hell out is astounding.

Wordless Wednesday- The inappropriate

I'm kind of embarassed by how hard this made me laugh. Thank you Thumper!

Hot and sweaty

Life is a lot like sex. You get this glamorous image in your head that is most likely based on movies and books. Things should look this way and smell that way. It should sound like this and taste like that. But real life and real sex are never actually like the movies. It's hot and sweaty and messy and complicated.

It's also scary because there are no promises. No guarantees. No promises of a happy ending. We fall down. And it hurts.

The guy I've been seeing, the one with out a name - oh hell, he really does need a name otherwise this all just gets confusing. Buffett. Stacie suggested it and she's never steered me wrong yet. So, that's it. I hereby christen the hot eagle scout architect Buffett. - Buffett has butterflies dancing a jig in my stomach and thinking about him at the most random moments brings a goofy smile to my face.

Friday, UPSGuy brought me flowers at work and asked me out. I thanked him but declined. I don't regret it. But the more I think I might kinda like Buffett, the more I want to chase down that UPS truck and... and... and anything. Because at the moment, anything would be less scary than getting hot and sweaty again.

Days of Grace: 41 - A weekend to remember

1. Date night wherein I actually had him all to myself. No children, parents, brothers, sisters, neighbors, crowds of drunken people.


2. Conversation that never seemed to end. There was too much to say and share until we didn't really want to talk anymore.


3. Hanging from a ladder with a chain saw and Thing2 who made sure I didn't fall and cut my leg off. You can actually see my house from the road now. And the sunlight reaches my windows. Hooray for sunlight.


4. The lake - boat - cliff diving - tubing - wake boarding - games - food - beer - sunset - sunrise - amazing friends.


5. Sitting at a picnic table with the wind coming off the lake and a live band playing. Everyone relaxing with a beer. Then he grabbed my hand and pulled me up to dance with him. No one else was dancing. I got to be THAT girl.


6. Being completely unable to settle on a name for him because every aspect is that great.


7. HappyHourSue who made my crabby exhausted ass giggle this morning with:

(If you can't see the video, try THIS link)

French Bulldog Can't Roll Over - watch more funny videos

A do-over of sorts

Some of you later-comers (which is better than premature comers. I think.) have complained that YouTube took down the video from this post. Well have no fear, the internet is a wonderful thing and I am your goddess of odd cartoon porn.


EMBED-OH MY GOD! WATCH. - Watch more free videos

Happy Friday Y'all

Helloooo, is anybody out there?

Hey y'all, remember me? It's Sassy. I own this joint. Sorry for not posting recently.

It's been a wild ride this summer and there are a couple of things I want, nay NEED to write about. I'm just not sure how it's going to all flesh out yet. I do know that I'm back though. This place is my outlet. My outlet for all the crazy thoughts in my head. And when I don't get them out here, they actually come out my mouth and that is bad. Here, let me give you a completely true and unfortunately not edited or exaggerated example.

The scene- Sassy walks up to the office copier to find one of her new and completely unknown FloorMates looking completely baffled as the thing squawks and beeps at him. He's flustered and embarrassed. Also, his fly is down.

Sassy: Hi, I'm Sassy. You seem to be having a bit of trouble. She's moody most mornings, the copier I mean. You just need to give her a chance to warm up.

FloorMate: *looking at me like I'm insane* No, no. I let it, err, her warm up. It's... she's jammed.

Sassy: Oh, well let me take a look and see what I can do. And while I'm busy with this, you might want to check your fly. (oh yes, I swear to the goddess of chocolate that I actually said that to a man I work with before I even got his name)

FloorMate: *stutter, stammer, shuffle, muffle*

Sassy: Don't worry about it, your pretty lavender shirt was poking out to say good morning, not the rest of you.

FloorMate: *stttuuutter, sttammmer...*

Sassy: Really, it's not a big deal. Although, I have to tell you that when I was a kid and I heard people call it a barn door, I always imagined cows coming out instead of... well, you know.

FloorMate: I think I actually have enough copies. Umm, thanks for the... help.

Sassy: No problem. I'll have this fixed in a minute if you... *watches him walk away FAST*

At least I didn't tell him about how the cows actually had flies buzzing around them which often made me think the person really needed to shower.

Ahhh, much better. Yes, I am definitely back.

The AntiSassy

Remember the hot little Jessica with the sultry voice?

Well her article is up at Moms Who Blog.

GO CHECK IT OUT!


In other news: I am healthy. I am well. However my world has been rocked by some pretty crappy things of late. Things that I cannot bring myself to talk about. Perhaps later, with more time and distance and healing. But not now. I have found my limit and that limit has a surprisingly close corelation to the ache and pain of those I love the most. Boundaries. I have them. Who new?

Ego is a bitch until... UPDATED

***Updated with the right Moms Who Blog link. My bad. Thanks for catching it Bill.

I'm no Dooce, that's for damn sure. But anyone who writes on line really must admit, if only to themselves, that it's because they want to be read. They want to be heard and appreciated. Sure, I write what I want to write because I need to write, but I've journaled for years. Writing here satisfies my need to put pen to paper so to speak as well as stroke my not insignificant ego. I want you all to read me and to like it, damn it! However, I don't play in the same circles as the big dogs. I read them because, well, for the same reasons you all do, they are funny as hell or they speak to me in one way or another. But I don't network other than commenting (nowhere near as often as I should) and I have no idea who most of you are or how you found me, I'm just glad you stopped by.

With all of that in mind, I was a bit taken aback when I got an email from Jessica about doing an interview for Moms Who Blog. First, yes I'm a mom but surely I don't talk about my spawn enough to garner that title. After all, my minions are well past the cute cuddly crapping their pants stage. We're on to hormones, pimples and attitude. That's not nearly as funny as when a 3 year old says Fuck in the middle of the grocery store, and uses it correctly. Second, why me? I'd like to say it's because I'm a genius and my time is coming. Most likely she googled wrinkly old man butt (still my most popular search string, what the hell???) and poof, there I was.

As we wrapped up our Q&A I had a few questions for her. I got some info about the site she writes for, which I had looked into but wanted to hear about from her perspective and I found out who the other two bloggers were that she would be interviewing. Holy Shit Balls! Not just small timers like me. She has 2 biggies coming up that completely blow me the hell away. I read them and adore them to pieces. You should too. But I won't tell you who they are just yet. You'll have to come back and watch for the link to Jessica's article to find out.

The sweet little cherry on top of my interview cake? Jessica had a saucy voice that made me a little warm and squishy inside. Thanks for the chat Jessica. I enjoyed it immensely. Feel free to call and talk dirty to me any time.

Under Construction

I've made some changes.

What do you think?
No really, I mean it. What do you think?

Readable?
Width?
Sidebars?

Help me out.
And if you have suggestions with advice on how to actually implement, leave it in the comments or email me. My email addy is on the left.

LEFT sidebars, I'm liking that. More room for random shit.

Seriously people, think about it!

I stole this from BeGayAboutIt (but it's on Youtube so it's technically not stealing and I really don't think she'll mind). Go read her. She's poignant and honest and makes me want to be a better person.



Now really all you "traditional" marriage people. THINK before you open your trap and vote.

Oooh happy day. Oh happy da-AA-ay.

My floors are dry. My furniture is being moved tonight. My puppy is home and I got lots of furry kisses.
AND...



P.S. Is it bad form to put duct tape over a man's mouth while watching TV?

Stop talking! Stop. Stop-it. JUST FUCKING SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!

PAINFUL!

I'm Giddy

Recently I was awarded 2 blogging awards.
.
Lilligirl gave me the "Thorns in my ass, get the baby powder" award. Or was it the "Snorting white stuff makes me think of roses" award? Oh wait, it was the: ONE LOVELY BLOG award.

I happen to think I'm lovely, but I'm probably a little bit biased. I have no idea why she thinks I'm lovely since lately all I've been able to talk about is OmgIThinkINeedToGetTheHellOverHimAlready and DragQueenMothaFuckinGangstas and boys boys boys... Not really lovely but I'll take the award just the same. I am an attention whore after all. No really, I am. I made this admission just last night to one of my suitors. I think he thought I was kidding...
Thanks Lilligirl. I happen to think you are pretty lovely too. SMOOCH.
.
A great big thank you with sloppy wet kisses goes out to Stacie who is all about her madness or some such thing. She's crazy y'all. Crazy like monkeys who throw shit at the walls and the people who think it's cute. Only the monkey has a slammin body, a great rack and is wearing THIS.
She gave me the Hell Yeah I'm Fucking Awe Summmm!!! Award.

Of course, it's really kind of hard to argue with that one because, I am, right?
Right?
*crickets*
...
Tough crowd.
.
So, there were rules and stuff about how to hand out these awards and things I'm supposed to do and say. I'm not really feelin' the rules thing today though, so let me just do this. I'm gonna borrow Stacie's new Eden Fantasies purchase, put on my BurgerKing birthday crown (Because my birthday is MONDAY! - Remember attention whore - Birthday du Sassy is MONDAY) and you all can just bow down and kiss my ass pretty little feet.
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No Sex For 90 Days

Saturday night I had a date. The kind where you actually get dressed up and he opens the car door for you. This man is such a gentleman and treats me like a princess. He took me to a $50 a plate (that was low end) steakhouse which I found amusing because each time we have gone out before I have picked little kitchy places like East African food where our total tab including a couple drinks rarely topped $30. I'm not complaining. It was nice, I'm just not typically that girl. It did feel wonderful to be that girl for a night though. After dinner we went to the comedy club. Having told him to get reservations about 37 times, he followed through and made sure we had seats. We were right up front but not directly under the stage. It was perfect. Since we had extra time before the party began, we started chatting with two other women who were at our table. Eventually the conversation came around to Date and I. Were we a couple? As his hand moved possessively to mine I coughed and said well, you know, we've been out a few times... Then came the dating advice. The best? "Don't sleep with a man until you've been dating for at least 90 days."

Ahahahaha! No, really, I was tearing up from laughing so hard. I wasn't laughing at her though, I was laughing at Date. He looked like he had swallowed his tongue. He looked like he had a family pack of condoms in his pocket. He looked like someone just turned his favorite pink pony into glue. And THAT cracked my ass up. Until it irritated me. But then the comedians came on and I was back to laughing so hard I was snotting on the table. Cleveland was the feature. He was talking about the perils of married life. How his father gave him advice saying if you find a woman who laughs at what you laugh at and likes women as much as you, you will forever be a happy man. Date then leaned over and said 50% isn't bad. To which I started snorting and laughing again because, well YOU know. He was at 50% just not the 50 he thought. Poor guy. The headliner was Pat Godwin. He has been on Bob and Tom and I swear to Moses if you ever get the chance to see him it will be like an orgasm wrapped in chocolate, or bacon, or maybe even chocolate and bacon.

.

Anyway, my point was that the irritation was gone, washed away with snorting laughter. UNTIL Date brought me home and stood on my door step obviously expecting something. I sent him on his way, not because I believe in the whole 90 day thing but because I just didn't want him. That should have been a big clue for me. I tend to be a passionate and physical person. If at this point I was not thinking about wanting him then I'm more than likely never going to get to that point. He just isn't... oh hell, I don't know what he isn't because there are so many good things that he is. But whatever that magical thing is that makes my panties wet. He isn't. The following morning he was all "do we need to talk" and "didn't like what you didn't say" and "I really want our future to be together but you have to let me in." Ummm, huh? We kind of talked through that. The very same evening he texted me to ask how my night was. I was at a friend's house and did not respond. Not 15 minutes later he was texting me with "what? no response? you're going to be like that?" At that point there was no way in hell I was going to respond. Bite me ass hat. In talking with Amy I told her that I was getting a possessive "I own you" vibe and I said that I just didn't think I would work well with that kind of guy. Her response was something along the lines of OMFG! THE EARTH WOULD END! So, there is that. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.

.

Of course, I worked in sales for years so I know all about building up your pipeline... LocalGuy and I are talking on the phone a lot. If it weren't for the fact that he tried to chew my lips off when we kissed, I think I'd be really excited to see him again. I have a blind date next week with a guy AMY says is perfect for me. Totally my type. (Since I thought possessive guy was my type- until he got possessive, I'm not really sure anymore but I'm going to trust her. She picked Todd and that man is Hotness wrapped in perfection topped with whipcream and a cherry. (Hi Todd, thanks again for the floors) So she's got great taste.

.

Here's me in my LBD:

P.s. Go visit Amy and comment and tell her to write something already. You will love her as soon as she gets her technologically challenged butt in gear. Also, she sells an amazing make up and skin care line that you'll want to know all about. This woman has stories that make be blush. Tune in, I promise you won't be disappointed!

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Wordless Wednesday #2

This Wordless Wednesday is one giant orgasmic thank you to Mom-O-Matic. Go read her...

And then go buy her.

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Wordless Wednesday #1

This wordlessness was inspired by my cyber crush Stacie who has been rocking some fantastic photos lately.

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The rumble between my thighs

I had such a great weekend and there will be stories and PICTURES to come. But for now you get bullet points because I have something much more important to share with you. In other words, you've got to make it through boring bullet points to get to the good stuff. And by good I mean, so deliciously bad I'm bound to get at least a few hate emails out of it, good. You ready? Here we go.

• There is something inherently sexy about riding a motorcycle and I'm pretty much positive it has everything to do with the vibrating.
• Sooner or later we're going to have to talk about Them. --- Them? you ask. Humor me damnit. Yes, Them - The Bad Kissers *duhn duhn duuuuh*
• Coffee always tastes better at the farmer's market
• Picture the high school football team running through a paper banner at the beginning of their game. Now picture that giant paper banner sporting a picture of Buddy Christ. - The quarterback giving him a high five as he runs through to greet the fans. Awesome, but I'm not sure that's what the sweet little catechism boys had in mind.
• Flowers flowers flowers.
• Cheesy teen vampire movies with my favorite girl.
• Cookie Dough
• Lions and tigers and bears - oh my!
• Did he just take a picture of my ass?
• Photoshop magic
• Kisses that literally made my legs feel like jello... and I don't usually like jello!

And now for the goods. This is what you've been waiting for.
First, watch this:

Stolen from Metallia. You should thank her. This is a much better topic of conversation than my love affair with good vibrations, drooly puppy kisses and bone-melting/ knee-weakening other kisses.



Did you watch it the whole way through? Yes, the snake thing is weird. The choice of models was... odd. But the foot scrubber... Christ on a cracker did you see it?



Alright, let's break this down step by step.


1. It's apparently very dangerous to reach your neck.






2. The only time I make that face in the shower is when I'm spending quality time with the jets of my shower head... errr... or when I pulled a muscle trying to touch my shoulders, yeah, definitely then.






3. Reaching your bottom is several inches from you shoulders that's super complicated!





4. OK, here's where I have to get serious.



If you cannot reach between your legs then there are issues that must be discussed. For example, how the hell do you wipe your ass? This is a hygiene thing. Are there flushable versions of this thing because there's no way in hell I'm reusing that.







5. If you go to this spot in the clip, it's like she's caressing the thing with much more on her mind than just washing her back. Of course, this takes me right back to #4 and maybe this isn't such a bad idea after all. The friction... things that make you go hmmm.







6. Then they immediately shift gears on me.



I need more warning when we're changing the tone. I was mentally halfway to happy town when I saw this woman sniffing a wash cloth rotting meat. No really, it looks like a bad piece of pork steak. Hey lady, you're not suppose to wash with that. No wonder you are in pain after a soak in the tub. Your rubbing botulism on your lady parts.







7. Then of course we get sexual again.



I know you see it. Don't play coy with me. That's a representation of a woman's love canal and you know it.
So this...




this....





this...




Dear God, how'd we skip fisting and end up here?



Go on, scroll back up and watch it again. I know you want to.
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Denied

Because I sort of have a thing for big and funky rings...

And because I told her that I was stalking her site like a preteen outside the Victoria Secret Window...

And because she is just freaking AMAZING...

Mom-O-Matic sent me an email saying this ring just went up on her Etsy site and she wanted to give me first dibs.

Well dip me in flour and fry me up baby. Yes I want that ring.

Love love love love - squeeeee ---

And then came the let down. Some asshat went and bought my ring in the middle of the night. I'm heartbroke. I wanna know who is the Biatch walking around with my yummy finger decoration. Let's throw down muthafuckaaaah!!! And may the best woman (ME!!!) win.

While I continue to lick the screen and mourn the loss of my preshuuuusssss, I need you to do something for me. You must go read this. No really, you must! It is the funniest thing I have read in forever! If you are a woman who has had kids or you are canoodling with a woman who has had kids, or you think you might be a woman who will have kids and still want to canoodle.. GO READ!

Seriously, why are you still here. Motherhood Uncensored is funny, always. But today she done out did herself y'all.

Still doubt me? OK, I'll give you a little preview: She's talking about vaginas... and sex... Go, read. You won't regret it, I promise.

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Yeah, I remember

In an immediate follow up to my last post, I read THIS over at MamaPop.

Yes Black Hockey Jesus, I do remember feeling exactly like that. Which is why I'm so afraid.

Go read it. He describes the desperate teenage want and need of something perfectly.
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