Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Saggy lumpy wrinkly old man butt

I promised you a story about old man butt.
Now that I sit down to write it, I’m afraid it’s not as funny as I originally anticipated.

We (the very nice, funny and sexy older man and I) had been talking about our age difference (which is rather substantial) and joking about old man butt during part of dinner. We were trying to come up with as many descriptions as possible. It's saggy. It's lumpy. Wrinkley like a flacid peni... That's when our server walked up. In her rush to get away from our table as quickly as possible she knocked over his beer. When she came back we were talking about how wobbley old man butt would be on Viagra (STOP, take a minute and actually picture that. I'll wait... Have you stopped laughing? Did you get the bleach to pour in your eyes? OK, on we go.) I don’t know what she expected but it wasn’t that. My glass of wine slid off her tray and hit the floor. I didn’t know whether to feel sorry for her or just laugh. Ok ok, so I didn't really feel sorry for her and I did laugh, a lot! It was a fantastic night with a wonderful man. I’m a little concerned though because he lives two hours north of me. I don’t do well with long distance relationships. This was New Years weekend and I’m already sensing some strain.

The second date of the weekend was a complete bust! The man was a bore. He had no chin/neck (and I swear that in his pictures he had them both). He busted out a calculator to figure out how to divide our dinner tab. However, the band he took me to see was fanfuckingtastic! The man kept trying to put his arms around me and dance but I really didn’t want him touching me. How in the sam-hell do you get that hint across without being a total bitch? Seriously, that’s a real question. Someone better send me some advice! After the champagne toast I told him my feet hurt and that I wanted to go. We talked the next day and he said he could tell I wasn’t interested and wished me luck with my life. Sweet huh? He wasn’t really a bad person he was just… BLAH!

I have 2 dates this weekend (yes mother, I know I’m a tramp!) with completely different men. I’m more than a little nervous about one of them. He is hot! Possibly "out of my league” hot. But we’ve been talking on the phone for weeks now and never seem to run out of things to say.

Basically, I’m going on a lot of 1st dates and most of them I don’t want a 2nd. But I’m having fun. That’s all that matters, right?

I still have only seen old man butt and Viagra on TV or in the movies.


Steph said...

Just say "NO" to a four-hour commute for a quickie. I don't care how nice he is.

XUP said...

If you don't want people to touch you, just tell them politely, "I don't feel comfortable engaging in physical contact with someone I don't really know very well." People you just met shouldn't touch you anyway unless you're inviting it. It's called assault if it's unwanted.

I think I missed the part where you mentioned where you're meeting all these men?

Also, I recommend great caution on the hot guy you think is out of your league. Don't leave your drink unattended, for instance...