He lied to me

A few days ago I spent the afternoon sending SM some very naughty text messages. But he didn’t respond. I later discovered that he didn’t read them until he had left from work and “damn near drove off the road” when he finally got around to them. Men are so easy. I went to his house that night and we both had naughty on the brain. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other but the 16 year old daughter was home so we tried to keep it sort of appropriate, or at least we did while she was looking. When we finally trotted off to the bedroom for the night I scooted myself into the bathroom and pulled out my little surprise for the night. It was a very sweet and pretty nightgown. Long, cream colored and all silky with pretty lace – a Victoria Secret dealie sized MEDIUM. And holy hell it fit. You know as well as I do that they cut that shit 4 sizes smaller that Kiera Knightly. So, I slinked myself into this pretty bit of loveliness. Picture sweet virgin bride on her wedding night pretty. Disclaimer: I thought I should fill you in on a little secret. Shhh… you ready? I’m not a virgin. GASP. I know. You’re shocked. Not only am I not a virgin but I’m not often sweet either. However, I did look pretty darn good in that wispy nightgown. When I exited the bathroom he was waiting for me with candles lit and lotion ready for a lovely massage. We had both been naughty and even a bit raunchy all day long but that night we both had romance on the mind. Isn’t that sweet? Yeah, you’re gagging. I know. Get over it. Anyway, after some lovely smooching and such he wanted to give me that lovely massage and so started to remove the silky sweet night gown. Removing it was a bit more difficult that putting it on though. Have you ever tried to peel the skin off a hot dog without damaging the insides? It was something like that. Anyhoo, I got my massage and we doodled and diddled a bit. Then I started doing one of his favorite things. Ladies, you all know the things that get your partner going. You know that there’s a point of no return too. Do you stop? Do you keep going? I hadn’t had my blast off yet. I couldn’t decide. Alas, the decision was taken from me and he shuddered with that goofy smile on his face. Then, SM looked at me with a sad little frown and said, Oh honey, I’m sorry you did that because now I’m “done.”
DONE? Shit. I’m not done. What’s a girl to do? *sigh* So, I settled for some doodling on my own. And that’s when I realized that he had lied to me for the first time ever…

He wasn’t done.
Thank you God for pretty silky things, lovely massages and Sexy Men with stamina. Amen.

Egg on my face

I've been away for a while. I don't have a good excuse. But in case you are wondering what I'm up to, imagine me with a cocktail in hand sitting outside enjoying the fireflies.

As an added update, the floors are all in. I even did Thing2's room all by myself. I mastered the table saw. Women with power tools are HOT right?

And finally, did you know that if you boil eggs too long (and by too long I mean for over 4 hours and the water is all evaporated) that they will EXPLODE? Umm, yeah. I heard that once. Not that I would ever be so foolish of course. Pfft... no way, not me. I also heard that the egg might fly so far it hits splatters the ceiling and goes into the dining room... if your dining room is attached to your kitchen that is. That's what I heard anyway.

Just for the record

I did not win a vibrating cock ring. In fact, I don't know what I won. Bethiclaus will be getting back to me as life permits. I'll keep you all posted. I'm not banking on sex toys. Maybe a good chick-lit book or a custom art project made solely from belly button lint. That would be awesome!

The vibrating cock ring is being enjoyed by my very dear friend and her hubby. I just requested an appraisal. They both are working on losing some weight and that was how they chose to celebrate reaching one of their goals. I think I'd find weight loss much more exciting with those kinds of rewards, don't you?

I will not be giving out anal beads as my prize. As surprising as it is, not everyone has as twisted a sense of humor as I do. I will try and keep my prize within the comfort-zone of the giftee.

It's a rainy Friday and I really want to spend the day in bed with a good book. Alas, I'm out of good books and there are projects that need doing. Have a great weekend my internet loverlies!

Survey Says

I'm a Weener!


I mean: I'm a Winner!



Did you get in on the "Pay It Forward" contests that started at the home of Swistle? If not, have no fear, there will be a new round of them starting shortly, and your very favorite SassyPants will be hosting one of her own. The reason I'll be hosting one is because I'm cool and I love you. Stop laughing- also because I WON!
Please go give Bethiclaus a visit. Tell her I sent you.

My own Pay It Forward contest with fun and entirely inappropriate prize coming soon!





And now, on to what you all have been waiting for: The verdict on the vibrating cock ring -
"It's WOWness cannot even be put into words."
I think she would have written more but she was busy changing batteries. I recommend rechargables.

Next up: Anal Beads - Disposable or Wash-Rinse-Repeat?
Silly questions, right? Everyone knows you throw that shit out...

*** Search string: Cock, Anal, Shit... I'm so being banned by all the respectable blog groups.

Lost and Found

As I was going through my stuff that used to sit on my desk at work I realized that something was missing...

My precious "Weeping Buddha" somehow got left behind at my old job. When I ordered him he was delivered to work and I just kept forgetting to bring him home. I called the HR manager and told her what was left behind and she searched my desk for me. No Buddha. She sent out a mass email to everyone at work. No Buddha.

I don't want to think bad things about my ex-coworkers but I'm beginning to believe that someone assumed that I was gone and that it was ok to assume his ownership. I've had to accept the fact that my sweet Buddha has gone on to another home. I hope they take good care of him.

I miss my Buddha! :(

Champagne and Penises

So far my 4th of July has been stellar. It's not even noon and I'm fuzzy on momosas, have discussed vibrating cock rings and watched a giant penis walk down the road.

My kids are so hyped up and stuffed with candy from the parade that I might not have to make lunch. So after all that, how can the rest of my day top it? It's gonna be close, I'm sure. You don't see walking genetalia every day. But, we've got a fridge full of beer, burgers and brats. SM is coming with all his kids for the fireworks and I think they might all be sleeping over. That means more of the family thing which I'm loving AND nookie!

Happy 4th of July

Two Pink Lines

I haven't been posting. Sorry... I haven't even been reading blogs lately. I just can't get myself to sit still long enough.

I'm a bit down about being out of work. I'm worried about not having money to pay the bills. I'm stressed about interviews and finding the right job. My Ex-InLaws are coming to visit and I really really want to spend time with them but I don't want anyone to feel awkward or weird. I don't want to put Ex in a bad situation with his girlfriend. I don't want SM to be uncomfortable with me being there with Ex's family. But I have known and loved these fabulous people for 13+ years. I miss them and I want to spend as much time with them as possible. Everyone says they are OK with it. I guess I'm just being hyper sensitive here. I hope.

All these feelings and worries have me so stressed out that I'm having the most bizzare dreams. For the past 2 weeks it's been nothing but pregnant dreams. Everything from the bigger boobs to the magic plus sign on the test. My belly gets big and I can feel the baby move. These are vivid dreams. And in each and every dream I'm THRILLED to be pregnant again. It's nuts.

I'm pregnant - only in my dreams - Thank God!