Monday, April 20, 2009

The rumble between my thighs

I had such a great weekend and there will be stories and PICTURES to come. But for now you get bullet points because I have something much more important to share with you. In other words, you've got to make it through boring bullet points to get to the good stuff. And by good I mean, so deliciously bad I'm bound to get at least a few hate emails out of it, good. You ready? Here we go.
  • There is something inherently sexy about riding a motorcycle and I'm pretty much positive it has everything to do with the vibrating.
  • Sooner or later we're going to have to talk about Them. --- Them? you ask. Humor me damnit. Yes, Them - The Bad Kissers *duhn duhn duuuuh*
  • Coffee always tastes better at the farmer's market
  • Picture the high school football team running through a paper banner at the beginning of their game. Now picture that giant paper banner sporting a picture of Buddy Christ. - The quarterback giving him a high five as he runs through to greet the fans. Awesome, but I'm not sure that's what the sweet little catechism boys had in mind.
  • Flowers flowers flowers.
  • Cheesy teen vampire movies with my favorite girl.
  • Cookie Dough
  • Lions and tigers and bears - oh my!
  • Did he just take a picture of my ass?
  • Photoshop magic
  • Kisses that literally made my legs feel like jello... and I don't usually like jello!

And now for the goods. This is what you've been waiting for.
First, watch this:

Stolen from Metallia. You should thank her. This is a much better topic of conversation than my love affair with good vibrations, drooly puppy kisses and bone-melting/ knee-weakening other kisses.

Did you watch it the whole way through? Yes, the snake thing is weird. The choice of models was... odd. But the foot scrubber... Christ on a cracker did you see it?

Alright, let's break this down step by step.

1. It's apparently very dangerous to reach your neck.

2. The only time I make that face in the shower is when I'm spending quality time with the jets of my shower head... errr... or when I pulled a muscle trying to touch my shoulders, yeah, definitely then.

3. Reaching your bottom is several inches from you shoulders that's super complicated!

4. OK, here's where I have to get serious.

If you cannot reach between your legs then there are issues that must be discussed. For example, how the hell do you wipe your ass? This is a hygiene thing. Are there flushable versions of this thing because there's no way in hell I'm reusing that.

5. If you go to this spot in the clip, it's like she's caressing the thing with much more on her mind than just washing her back. Of course, this takes me right back to #4 and maybe this isn't such a bad idea after all. The friction... things that make you go hmmm.

6. Then they immediately shift gears on me.

I need more warning when we're changing the tone. I was mentally halfway to happy town when I saw this woman sniffing a wash cloth rotting meat. No really, it looks like a bad piece of pork steak. Hey lady, you're not suppose to wash with that. No wonder you are in pain after a soak in the tub. Your rubbing botulism on your lady parts.

7. Then of course we get sexual again.

I know you see it. Don't play coy with me. That's a representation of a woman's love canal and you know it.
So this...



Dear God, how'd we skip fisting and end up here?

Go on, scroll back up and watch it again. I know you want to.
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Stacie's Madness said...

ROFLMAO...SERIOUSLY...the body snake is great for all your fat rolls you can't get in between.

and the foot scrubber, HELLO....

can't wait to hear all about your weekend, I have to live vicariously through you, don't let me down ;)

Bill said...

Wow, that foot scrubber really turns me on! I'm surprised they didn't try to store the bodysnake in the foot scrubber to go all the way with the imagery. Loofa porn.

And yep, I went to the website. It looks legit.

SP said...

Loofa Porn! I love it.

Give the dust a chance to settle Stac then you'll get out there and have stories to blow my socks off!