After 3 days of pondering and wondering and trying NOT to ponder or wonder I've decided: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?
If you are confused and just not sure, that's fine, say so. Let's be on the same page and take it one day at a time. If you are sure that you are still sure then quit fucking with me.
So now, new ground rules. No more hugging No more touching For the love of god, no more kissing All confusing closing lines from emails will be ignored. All endearing pet names will be ignored. If you want these rules to be changed. You MUST TALK TO ME!
In general, the Midwest is full of polite and friendly people. Madison is no different, just perhaps a bit more colorful than its surrounding small towns and quiet/conservative communities. I love it. And apparently it loves me back because yesterday, Madison sent me a fluffy unicorn with rainbow hair and glitter sprinkles.
I pulled into a gas station because I needed gas. Duh. And while I'm pumping I'm listening to a big tattooed dude standing next to a pimped out Cadillac Escalade scream, yell and threaten someone on the other end of the phone. It was quite clearly a drug "negotiation" and he didn't care who heard about it. During this rage filled tantrum, he was staring - At Me! When he finished his call he waved to his gangsta partner and they walked toward me and my innocent little mom van.
BigGangsta: Ma'am? Sassy: Whatcha want ma homey Can I help you? BigGangsta: Umm, well, no ma'am. I think I can help you though Sassy: Step off ma grill dawg before I have to bust out a can of whoop ass Oh? BigGangsta: Ma'am your back tire is very low and you shouldn't be driving on it that way. Sassy: Hellz yeah ma nigga, thanks for the 411 Oh? BigGangsta: Just pull your van up over there ma'am and I'll fill it up for you Sassy: You da bombUmm, thanks. ... ... Sassy: Wass yo name biatch? Thank you again. What's your name? BigGangsta: Sher Sassy: Sher? LilGangsta: Hahahaha, tell the lady yo real name pussy BigGangsta: Don't talk like that in front of the lady MothaFucka LilGangsta: Tell her yo real name bitch BigGangsta: My name is Sher' Main' ma'am LilGangsta: Ahahahahaha! Sassy: Jermain? BigGangsta: No ma'am, Sher' Main' Sassy: Shermain? gigglemuffledlaughsnortchortle BigGangsta: Yes ma'am LilGangsta: It's like a stripper's name isn't it? Ahahahaha! BigGangsta: ShuddupMothaFucka. You don't talk like that in front of a lady. Sassy: More like an off strip Atlantic City drag queen. LilGangsta: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Sassy: What's his name? BigGangsta: That's MothaFucka Sassy: ???? BigGangsta: Ma ThafKa Sassy: Wow BigGangsta: I know. And he's laughin' at me. You're all set now ma'am. Sassy: Thanks for your help. BigGangsta: Night ma'am Sassy: Stop calling me ma'am you trashy-drag-queen-named gangsta biatch or I'm gonna have to kick yo ass! Night, Sher. Night MothaFucka.
And my birthday isn't even until next week. I you love Madison.
Saturday night I had a date. The kind where you actually get dressed up and he opens the car door for you. This man is such a gentleman and treats me like a princess. He took me to a $50 a plate (that was low end) steakhouse which I found amusing because each time we have gone out before I have picked little kitchy places like East African food where our total tab including a couple drinks rarely topped $30. I'm not complaining. It was nice, I'm just not typically that girl. It did feel wonderful to be that girl for a night though. After dinner we went to the comedy club. Having told him to get reservations about 37 times, he followed through and made sure we had seats. We were right up front but not directly under the stage. It was perfect. Since we had extra time before the party began, we started chatting with two other women who were at our table. Eventually the conversation came around to Date and I. Were we a couple? As his hand moved possessively to mine I coughed and said well, you know, we've been out a few times... Then came the dating advice. The best? "Don't sleep with a man until you've been dating for at least 90 days."
Ahahahaha! No, really, I was tearing up from laughing so hard. I wasn't laughing at her though, I was laughing at Date. He looked like he had swallowed his tongue. He looked like he had a family pack of condoms in his pocket. He looked like someone just turned his favorite pink pony into glue. And THAT cracked my ass up. Until it irritated me. But then the comedians came on and I was back to laughing so hard I was snotting on the table. Cleveland was the feature. He was talking about the perils of married life. How his father gave him advice saying if you find a woman who laughs at what you laugh at and likes women as much as you, you will forever be a happy man. Date then leaned over and said 50% isn't bad. To which I started snorting and laughing again because, well YOU know. He was at 50% just not the 50 he thought. Poor guy. The headliner was Pat Godwin. He has been on Bob and Tom and I swear to Moses if you ever get the chance to see him it will be like an orgasm wrapped in chocolate, or bacon, or maybe even chocolate and bacon.
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Anyway, my point was that the irritation was gone, washed away with snorting laughter. UNTIL Date brought me home and stood on my door step obviously expecting something. I sent him on his way, not because I believe in the whole 90 day thing but because I just didn't want him. That should have been a big clue for me. I tend to be a passionate and physical person. If at this point I was not thinking about wanting him then I'm more than likely never going to get to that point. He just isn't... oh hell, I don't know what he isn't because there are so many good things that he is. But whatever that magical thing is that makes my panties wet. He isn't. The following morning he was all "do we need to talk" and "didn't like what you didn't say" and "I really want our future to be together but you have to let me in." Ummm, huh? We kind of talked through that. The very same evening he texted me to ask how my night was. I was at a friend's house and did not respond. Not 15 minutes later he was texting me with "what? no response? you're going to be like that?" At that point there was no way in hell I was going to respond. Bite me ass hat. In talking with Amy I told her that I was getting a possessive "I own you" vibe and I said that I just didn't think I would work well with that kind of guy. Her response was something along the lines of OMFG! THE EARTH WOULD END! So, there is that. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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Of course, I worked in sales for years so I know all about building up your pipeline... LocalGuy and I are talking on the phone a lot. If it weren't for the fact that he tried to chew my lips off when we kissed, I think I'd be really excited to see him again. I have a blind date next week with a guy AMY says is perfect for me. Totally my type. (Since I thought possessive guy was my type- until he got possessive, I'm not really sure anymore but I'm going to trust her. She picked Todd and that man is Hotness wrapped in perfection topped with whipcream and a cherry. (Hi Todd, thanks again for the floors) So she's got great taste.
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Here's me in my LBD:
P.s. Go visit Amy and comment and tell her to write something already. You will love her as soon as she gets her technologically challenged butt in gear. Also, she sells an amazing make up and skin care line that you'll want to know all about. This woman has stories that make be blush. Tune in, I promise you won't be disappointed!
Harley slept through the night last night. Of course when I got up with him this morning he had a turd stuck in his butt hair. At 7 AM I'm taking a scissors to my dog's ass. Don't you wish you had my life?
Speaking of the dog. Who the hell had the great idea of making me responsible for another thing that eats and craps and pees? Trying to do something complicated like showering has become even more complicated by the fact that I have a baby. A baby who cries when I'm more than 2 inches from him. And then he gets brave and wanders 6 inches away and piddles. On. The. Floor. Crying and peeing. Did I really sign up for this? All you mothers of little babies are laughing at me right now. I know. And I get it. I have been chasing around my Things trying to keep them from peeing on the floor for over 13 years now. OK, that's not true. They never peed on the floor. And therein lies my problem. I could slap a diaper on a kid, toss him in the crib and ignore his whimpers long enough to oh, I don't know, brush my teeth maybe? But the puppy? He pees. He pees in random places at random times. It's a damn good thing he's cute because the peeing? I'm not a fan. Of course, he is only 9 weeks old right now so I don't think he even knows when he's peeing, and it will get better. Better much faster than you all can teach your kids to quit biting their sister and drawing on the walls, so there is that.
Speaking of peeing on the floor... well no, there wasn't any peeing involved in this story but I couldn't come up with a good transition. There's something y'all need to know about me. I'm a freaking awesome blogger. I tell the most amazing random wandering stream of consciousness stories. The problem is that I never come up with these stories when my cheeks are planted in front of the computer. Of course not. My muse likes to strike when I'm driving or watching a movie or showering. Yes, some of my best blogging material happens pops into my head while I'm naked. Now don't you feel dirty? This morning when I was trying to NOT think about the puppy peeing and crying I was also getting clean, or dirty, depending on how you want to look at it. I have a waterproof toy and since I'm not having sex right now (another story) I am stocking up on batteries. So while I'm, well, you know, suddenly I start thinking about a post. The not having sex post. Composing it in my head knowing full well that I will have forgotten at least half of the witty remarks before my boobs are dry. But still, I'm mentally composing when my water tight love toy was not so water tight. And I was shocked. Yes. I'll let you think about that for a minute. ... ... ... So now that my girly bits are singed and I completely forgot to shave my left leg, what with the smoke coming from between my thighs... I've decided that you all do not belong in my shower anymore. You're distracting and as much as I love you, I need my space too.
As for the not having sex. I'm not having it right now. Perhaps I'll explain more later. After I put burn cream on my party place.
Getting the insurance company to finally agree to cover water damage from CHRISTMAS!
Destroying the Things in a nerf gun war
No matter the circumstances of the day/week/month/year, up or down, knowing that life is so good and that I am fucking fabulous!___________________________________
I had such a great weekend and there will be stories and PICTURES to come. But for now you get bullet points because I have something much more important to share with you. In other words, you've got to make it through boring bullet points to get to the good stuff. And by good I mean, so deliciously bad I'm bound to get at least a few hate emails out of it, good. You ready? Here we go.
There is something inherently sexy about riding a motorcycle and I'm pretty much positive it has everything to do with the vibrating.
Sooner or later we're going to have to talk about Them. --- Them? you ask. Humor me damnit. Yes, Them - The Bad Kissers *duhnduhnduuuuh*
Coffee always tastes better at the farmer's market
Picture the high school football team running through a paper banner at the beginning of their game. Now picture that giant paper banner sporting a picture of Buddy Christ. - The quarterback giving him a high five as he runs through to greet the fans. Awesome, but I'm not sure that's what the sweet little catechism boys had in mind.
Flowers flowers flowers.
Cheesy teen vampire movies with my favorite girl.
Cookie Dough
Lions and tigers and bears - oh my!
Did he just take a picture of my ass?
Photoshop magic
Kisses that literally made my legs feel like jello... and I don't usually like jello!
And now for the goods. This is what you've been waiting for. First, watch this:
Stolen from Metallia. You should thank her. This is a much better topic of conversation than my love affair with good vibrations, drooly puppy kisses and bone-melting/ knee-weakening other kisses.
Did you watch it the whole way through? Yes, the snake thing is weird. The choice of models was... odd. But the foot scrubber... Christ on a cracker did you see it?
Alright, let's break this down step by step.
1. It's apparently very dangerous to reach your neck.
2. The only time I make that face in the shower is when I'm spending quality time with the jets of my shower head... errr... or when I pulled a muscle trying to touch my shoulders, yeah, definitely then.
3. Reaching your bottom is several inches from you shoulders that's super complicated!
4. OK, here's where I have to get serious.
If you cannot reach between your legs then there are issues that must be discussed. For example, how the hell do you wipe your ass? This is a hygiene thing. Are there flushable versions of this thing because there's no way in hell I'm reusing that.
5. If you go to this spot in the clip, it's like she's caressing the thing with much more on her mind than just washing her back. Of course, this takes me right back to #4 and maybe this isn't such a bad idea after all. The friction... things that make you go hmmm.
6. Then they immediately shift gears on me.
I need more warning when we're changing the tone. I was mentally halfway to happy town when I saw this woman sniffing a wash cloth rotting meat. No really, it looks like a bad piece of pork steak. Hey lady, you're not suppose to wash with that. No wonder you are in pain after a soak in the tub. Your rubbing botulism on your lady parts.
7. Then of course we get sexual again.
I know you see it. Don't play coy with me. That's a representation of a woman's love canal and you know it. So this...
this....
this...
Dear God, how'd we skip fisting and end up here?
Go on, scroll back up and watch it again. I know you want to. ____________________________________
1) Eating at fun new places, trying new things and not washing dishes
------I've had an opportunity to eat out a bit more of late and have enjoyed going to places I've never been before or introducing someone else to one of my favorite off the wall joints. Most recently I had lunch with someone at an East African restaraunt that stole my heart months ago. My friend was skeptical, more inclined to meat and potatos, the vegetable laden menu seemed daunting. The final verdict, "That was good. I'd go there again. But we have to take turns, next time it's a steak place." Fair enough. Fair enough. I also ventured out to a Mongolian place that was recommended to me and thoroughly enjoyed the variety. I wish I had enjoyed the desserts because they looked amazing but if I'd have done that I would have barfed and that's just not the best way to finish a meal.
2) Soccer
------ I always swore that I would never own a minivan. A few years ago I broke down and bought one. Considering the things I was involved in at the time, it made sense. With or without the van though, I am most definitely a soccer mom. When I get out there (quite possibly with a beverage in hand), sitting in the sun watching the kids race too and fro, I morph into a cartoon character of myself. I'm yelling and shouting and cheering. I love to watch the kids get in there and really go for it. The girls that can take a hit and get right back up and go after it. The boys who will go head to head with those girls and not back down. I'm competitive. I won't apologize for that. Thursday is my new favorite day of the week.
3) Photography
------ I have a friend who has graciously agreed to give me some lessons on how to use my camera. I have a Sony A100... I think. It's a DSLR and I'm clueless. He has a Minoga or Menagua (wait, that's a city, not a camera) or something. Apparently our lenses are interchangable. Whatever. We're going to the botanical gardens to play this weekend and I'm so excited. He is also a techy and is going to give me some tips on Photoshop. Perhaps I'll be able to post some good pictures soon.
4) Phoenix in June
------- No really, I'm not kidding about that one. As y'all know, I have a wonderfully perfect squishy yummy angelic new nephew that I must smother with love and hugs and snuggles and kisses. Dan the Man, my oldest friend that I still have contact with, will be home (Phoenix) for a visit in June. He's stationed in Germany and just got back from a long time in the SandBox. Why not coordinate such things and take a mini-vaca in a couple months? Why not head for the Valley of the Sun in a few weeks. Here's why, because my eyeball juices will boil and my brain will melt and ooze out my ears. Oh hell, what do I care? I'll get baby loving and to see see a treasured friend. I'm saving my pennies. Bring on the heat!
5) Motorcycles?
------ I have a friend who is pulling out his motorcycle tonight for the first time this season. While he tinkers and does whatever the heck one has to do to make a bike road ready each year, I get to play kissy kissy with a 4 month old yellow lab. Then, we ride. WooHoo!
Now, if only someone can tell me how to ride with long-ish hair and not have it end up looking like this when I'm done:
I've got stuff going on but I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it. There's good stuff. There's plain old everyday life stuff. And of course, there's crappy stuff. All in all, I'm good. No need to worry.
But just so y'all don't feel neglected, I thought I'd let you enjoy some dating crazy of your own:
Right off the bat I've discovered a few of the pratfalls of dating though.
Stalkers. No joking here ladies. My situation was mild but it could have turned bad fast. That's scary shit. Be careful with your safety.
Just because he's on a dating site and talking to you doesn't mean he's single...
Yeah, that number 2. She's a doozy. I got an email this morning from the wife of a man I was emailing (only emailing, we had never talked on the phone much less met in person. And the emails were completely G rated). Turns out that they are not only still together but expecting a baby. I, of course, was horrified. I let her know that I was unaware of her and that had I known, I never would have gone there. I wished her the best of luck with her new baby. And then she called me a whore and the C word. And that was it for me. I was pissed. Her husband had lied to both of us and yet I was the dirty little bitch? I don't think so. And so I told her in no uncertain terms what I thought of her attitude and of her POS husband.
I've said this before and I will admit it again. I've been the other woman. It's not something I'm proud of. That woman has a right to hate me. Although, if she doesn't get over it at least a little bit, she's going to die of an aneurysm, but that's another story.
My point is this. I've been in relationships, some wonderful, some sucktastic. I've made horrible choices and hurt some very good people. I've grown and learned from these things. I know who I am and what I want and need out of life. I'm finding my voice and getting the courage to ask for it. I will NOT let some woman blame her marital problems on me because she can't face the fact that her husband is a lying jerk.
Look him the eye and call a spade a spade honey. I want a man but let me tell you flat out right now:
I'm officially leaving your pity party. I will not continue to nod sympathetically when you mope and sigh. You have the information and tools that you need to do your job. The world is not out to get you and you are only pathetic because you continue to see yourself as such.
Also, my personal life is not open for discussion. I don't want your opinion and certainly don't want your advice. Yes I still have pictures up from a past relationship. Simply because that is over does not mean that certain memories of times/places/events don't make me smile. Yes those were flowers I left at the front desk. No I'm not excited.
Finally, if you stand over my shoulder and stare at my computer for 20 minutes again while you wait "patiently" for me to finish one project so I can hold your hand while you complain about your own work, I will borrow Ex's shovel and beat you!
These were just delivered to my office along with a bottle of Chianti...
I'm all about grand gestures people but this seems like a lot from someone who I've never seen in person before (This is not from ShyGuy). Am I being a priss or is this borderline creepy?
Updated - The guy who sent these to me, we had only talked via match. He did not have my personal email or my cell phone. I did tell him my name and mentioned that I work for the University doing blah blah blah. From that he found me. I talked to Ex about it and asked if I was being too sensitive and he said "It depends." Helpful right? So, when I got home I emailed the guy and told him that I received his gift. I said that the flowers were beautiful and that I would surely enjoy the wine. However, I was more than a little uncomfortable with his forward move considering our lack of interaction. He was apologetic. He said he'd slow down. Then he asked me to dinner. - I was shocked. Too fast buddy. After today, much too fast. I said no. He got irritated. I told him not to contact me again.
This weekend I bit the bullet and reposted my profile on match.com. I'm here to tell you that dating is high maintenance y'all. People are emailing and winking and I'm trying to decide how much of this I really want to get into. I'm hearing from people that I went out with a year and half ago. People that I did not like then and I don't find them much more appealing now. It's stressful.
So, back to Saturday. It was Saturday afternoon and I was trying to figure out what the heck to do with my evening. I really wanted to go see my favorite band but I had no one to go with. I was emailing with -Hhmmm, what to call him? For now we'll call him ShyGuy - ShyGuy who asked if I'd like to go see this band and I about jumped out of my chair. I said yes not so much because I wanted to meet ShyGuy but more because of the band and the hot lead singer and the fun and YAY!
ShyGuy was very sweet and fun to talk to and we both thoroughly enjoyed the band. He was good looking. He was also terribly nervous. It was almost painful. And yet he was so sweet. I have to admit that I'm torn here. I'm a pretty forward woman. I'm outgoing and strong minded. Most recently, I was called "a force to be reconed with" and I am pretty sure that was meant as a compliment. As such, I have been known to bulldoze right over a man if he isn't strong enough to handle me. That sounds weird but it is true. I think that ShyGuy might fall into the catagory of too sweet and too nice and too shy. I think that I might walk all over him and that would be no fun for either one of us. At the same time, he was sweet and nice and fun. I'm not sure if I should give it another shot assuming that he was just nervous because it was a first date and I looked HOT. Oh yes, I did. To make matters even more confusing: He has a crazy ex-wife and a situation that is similar to SM's except that ShyGuy has primary custody because his ex-wife is really crazy. Do I want to get caught up in that again when my heart isn't already invested?
The weather is warming and springlovehappinessnew beginnings horny coeds and lust are in the air. You think I'm kidding but if you saw all the half naked 20-somethings I have walked by this week alone, you'd wonder if I worked for Hustler. Of course, there are some benefits to walking among the natives. When young boys men, ahem, remove their shirts to play volleyball, in the sand, with their jeans riding a little low on the hips, well, when that happens the heavens open up and angels sing. Singing. Angels. Of course, being the hip town that Madison is, spring brings more than just liquid sex oozing down the streets, it also brings a funky, grungy, I'm not sure where that's been kind of edge. Example, the first street vendor of the season had his table set up on State Street the other day:
Sorry the picture is fuzzy. I took it with my camera phone. If you are wondering what he was peddling well, it's glass blown pot-pipes of course! Homeless Bob wants to know if they can be used for bubbles too.
So, I'm surrounded by this playful and free atmosphere. I'm healthy again. I'm wearing my skinny jeans for the first time in a looooong time. And there's this man...
HAH! Did you see that one coming?
I met this man while grabbing lunch several months ago while I was dating SM. We became friends (yes, only friends and never once dawned on me to think of it as anything else so shaddup) and he'd often ask "How's your Mr. Perfect?" And so this last time I had to admit that "My Mr Perfect" wasn't mine any more. To which he replied that the SM must be a complete idiot for tossing me aside without a second glance. It always feels good to have another man validate your desirability. So, here's the hard part. The man, he asked me out. I'm not really ready to jump into a relationship right now. There's the part of me that is lonely and yearning to be touched but there's a voice in my head that says "You really don't want that touch to be anyone's but SM's." And the voice is right. BUT, I'm not a wallower. I'm the ripthebandaidoff girl. And sometimes it just takes forcing yourself to jump in order to get any kind of movement. The man is smart and funny and genuine and sweet and umm... HOT!
So, do I jump? Do I spring myself forward even though I'm pretty sure I'm not ready yet just help me get the hell over it already?
Well dip me in flour and fry me up baby. Yes I want that ring.
Love love love love - squeeeee ---
And then came the let down. Some asshat went and bought my ring in the middle of the night. I'm heartbroke. I wanna know who is the Biatch walking around with my yummy finger decoration. Let's throw down muthafuckaaaah!!! And may the best woman (ME!!!) win.
While I continue to lick the screen and mourn the loss of my preshuuuusssss, I need you to do something for me. You must go read this. No really, you must! It is the funniest thing I have read in forever! If you are a woman who has had kids or you are canoodling with a woman who has had kids, or you think you might be a woman who will have kids and still want to canoodle.. GO READ!
