Friday, November 30, 2007

Sex is like pizza...

Warning… Explicit and painfully blunt post to follow. Please read at your own risk.

“Sex is like pizza. No matter how bad it is, it’s still pretty darn good.”

Hmmm, interesting comparison, ManureMan. (I’ll tell you more about ManureMan later, and woowee was he a piece of work.) His statement struck me for two reasons. One: He kept repeating it as if to make some kind of point, even when we were talking about neither sex nor pizza. Two: It is sort of true. I’ve had some really bad pizza. When you can buy an extra large 1-topping pizza and have it delivered at 4am for a grand total of $5, well, you know you’ve got cardboard marinaded in grease. But, it’s 4am, you have a final in 4 hours that you haven’t really studied for and suddenly: Mmmmm, Pizza!!!! I’m not convinced that the same thought process works for sex. Or maybe it does...
I’ll admit that I’ve had some really bad sex. And there are two categories of really bad sex.
The first is Good-bad sex. Things start going hot and heavy and wet and you feel like your skin is on fire and you can’t think because Must. Have. Want. Need. Then you realize the rhythm is a little off. Your partner is thrusting a half a second too late which makes the rocking awkward. You were so worked up that the wet is now too wet and OMG, no friction!!! Of course it all just goes down hill from there. Suddenly, you’re both collapsed in a pile of giggles because Holy Crap That Was Bad Sex! From my experience, that leads to either MindBlowingSex or EatingSaltineCrackersWithChocolateFrostingInBed.
Both are pretty fab in my book.
The second is Bad-bad sex and this is where I think his theory (and his pick-up line dating groove) really falls apart. Usually this happens when your head just isn’t in the game. You’re thinking laundry instead of lust. You’re thinking carpool instead of cunnilingus. You’re thinking orthodontist appointment instead of orgasm. That alone isn’t enough to put it in the Bad category but you add in some rhythm that isn’t quite right or some sex-moves that are truly terrible and things sink to Aren’tYouDoneYet very quickly.

Is there a pizza on earth that is THAT bad?
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Stay tuned next time for: Bam Bam Bam The ManureMan
(Yeah, we’re still talking about sex. Can I get a collective WTF!!)



Really, really bad sex is when he stops half way through and says, "So, how am I doing so far? Pretty good?" And you burst out laughing and say, "Get off me you toad." And the next day he waggles his eyebrows at you and in a deep mysterious voice says, "Once is not enough". And then a few months later, you're chilling out with a gay friend and a girl friend and you end up discovering that all 3 of you have slept with the toad and his technique was the same with all of you. There's no pizza on earth that hilariously bad

SP said...

Wow, that really is bad.
Why is bad sex so much fun to talk about?


Sex is a weird thing anyway. We're all naked with all our bits hanging out.. in strange positions, sweating and making odd noises. If you can't laugh about it, it's not worth doing and there's nothing funnier than bad sex or hot passionate sex that suddenly takes a wonky turn -- like someone gets a cramp or you fall off the kitchen table or something

SP said...

Seems like you and I have the same sense of humor. I've had a few lovers that didn't think it was so funny. Talk about a turn off, a lousy sense of humor kills it for me.