Days of Grace (I forget which number)

Recently I have been graced by:

YOU

Yes you!
You all rock. I have gotten so many emails from you all wondering where I'm at and if I'm OK. I assure you that I am here, alive and well. Things are just hunky dory. For some reason I haven't been feeling very writer-ish lately. I'm hoping that changes soon because I do miss you all.

Just a real quick run down on what I should be blogging about soon:
1. Buffett and I broke up and went to dinner together anyway
2. My new furry coat
3. I got to go to a taping of Oprah (yes, there were prizes!)
4. The British lady who made me hit a construction barrel
5. Dueling Pianos and the "blind" date
6. The guy who wanted to pay me to rub his body
7. The guy who really really really wants to hear my voice
8. Making random friends
9. The Things and crap this parenting gig is HARD.
10. The guy who looks 24 but isn't and has the most phallic last name ever.
(Phallic like COCK9INCHES phallic. Really, I'm so not kidding!)

SMOOCH! Love you guys!

Days of Grace 46: Weekend Goodness Recap

The weekend was full of goodness. Everything from a night chatting with my dear friend Ex around a bonfire (sometimes in the general drudgery of living and raising kids we forget that we actually like spending time together) to a cold windy soccer game to winterizing the garden. The highlight of the weekend though was definitely the corn maze. The Family Von Sass joined the Buffett Clan for the time honored Fall tradition of finding the perfect pumpkin and other silliness.

And introducing:

...

...

...

BUFFET

Days of Grace: 45

I'm going to make this short and sweet because I have precisely 4.7 minutes of free time to eat my lunch, pee and get a post up today. You all are of course a much higher priority than peeing.

It's Monday, Thank You Jesus and his second cousin Rufus. I haven't seen Buffett in over a week due to scheduling conflicts, children, sporting events and a minivacation. So tonight we'll be curling up on his couch and cheering on the Packers as they completely DESTROY Brett Farve. We might also be doing a few other things. Maybe.

To give you all a little Monday giggle (as opposed to a little slap and tickle), I did have the opportunity to pee earlier this morning before all hell broke loose in my office but it was complicated. Typically you undo a belt, unbutton, unzip and drop 'em. Mine didn't drop and I was quite confused. UNTIL I remembered that I'm wearing suspenders today under my jacket. Yeah, shaddup. Work might just be destroying the few brain cells I have left. Paying the bills is a good thing. Gray matter oozing out of my ear because OMGWhyWon'tMahPantsFallDown is probably bad.

OK OK OK, my Grace Moment happened yesterday evening. All day long I could not figure out why my jeans were fitting weird. They weren't too tight. They weren't too big. They were just fitting oddly. Cupping more in the butt and less in the waist. When I took them off I noticed the tag. They were Thing1's jeans. I fit my ass into the jeans of my skinny as a bean pole 13 year old son! I have been feeling so good about myself, my body and my health lately but little reinforcements like this are like great big cotton candy kisses from midget wrestlers. In other words, if fucking rocked!

Midget 'fro, it's hawt y'all.

Days of Grace 44: Thing2

My dearest Thing2

It has been such a good year. You are at that perfect age, that blissful sweet spot somewhere between uncontrollable child and asshole teenager. I want to soak in your energy and exuberance. I want to wrap up your innocense and protect it with my last breath. You make me laugh so hard my sides ache. You bring me more joy than I ever knew was possible.

When people ask me about you I still struggle to find the words. Without writing a book with pages and pages of quotes, stories and pictures, nothing seems adequate. You refuse to be put in a box that defines you. You are so incredibly smart but absolutely love to speak with atrocious grammar just to watch me twitch. You torment the ever loving hell out of your brother but truthfully want nothing more than to just hang out with him. You are a fierce competitor and the most generous and giving human being I have ever known. Still filled with childlike wonder over silly little things and yet wanting to be older and cool; I'm watching you shift and change before my eyes. I love to see you grapple with big issues and put them into perspective, to swallow the deeper meanings of people's actions and come back with a mature, adult understanding. I love to listen to you disolve into gleeful giggles over a fart joke. Pride doesn't even begin to encompass the huge emotion that tries to burst from my chest when I think of you.

Happy 12th Birthday Thing2! My baby, my little man, My Sunshine.

Days of Grace 43: To Be Seen

I found some things that were written about me. I was never intended to read them.

Looking at yourself through someone else's eyes is a scary proposition. I guarantee that not all of it is going to feel good, because when you are seen - truly and completely - that has to include the bad things; the things you are not so proud of. I can accept that. As I've said before, I'm well aware of my many faults and flaws. Sure, a comment here and there stung a little but it was all true and was pretty much what I expected. What did surprise me were the other things. The good things that I hope people see in me, the things I hope people love about me. And the things I never knew made such a difference.

For the brief time that this person walked through my life they truly saw me and loved what they saw. I know that I was never meant to read the words that were obviously a private way of dealing with things but I am glad that I did. It is a gift when someone truly sees you, understands you and cherishes you.

My friend, I hope you know that I saw you too and I loved what I saw.

Days of Grace: 9/11

On this day America will

ache

cry

pray

REMEMBER

.

We are a nation that has been touched by the beauty and grace of our heros.

.

Today I wish you GRACE and PEACE

.

Days of Grace: 41 - A weekend to remember

1. Date night wherein I actually had him all to myself. No children, parents, brothers, sisters, neighbors, crowds of drunken people.


2. Conversation that never seemed to end. There was too much to say and share until we didn't really want to talk anymore.


3. Hanging from a ladder with a chain saw and Thing2 who made sure I didn't fall and cut my leg off. You can actually see my house from the road now. And the sunlight reaches my windows. Hooray for sunlight.


4. The lake - boat - cliff diving - tubing - wake boarding - games - food - beer - sunset - sunrise - amazing friends.


5. Sitting at a picnic table with the wind coming off the lake and a live band playing. Everyone relaxing with a beer. Then he grabbed my hand and pulled me up to dance with him. No one else was dancing. I got to be THAT girl.


6. Being completely unable to settle on a name for him because every aspect is that great.


7. HappyHourSue who made my crabby exhausted ass giggle this morning with:

(If you can't see the video, try THIS link)

French Bulldog Can't Roll Over - watch more funny videos

Days of Grace:40 - The Steph is an impatient bitch installment

At least I think this is what she wanted when she yelled at me YELLEDATMEEEE!!! on Facebook.

So a Gracey update you will have.

1. A BBQ with the Things, an ex-sister-in-law, the Ex, his girlfriend and her gaggle of children. I asked him to bring me out my drink but he forgot and she yelled at him saying "The woman needs her drink, Man!" It was awesome. Also, her young children got all crazy and Ex got all stressed and I had already gotten the hell out of dodge. Without doing dishes. Muwahahahaha!
2. Homemade enchiladas made by SM. No wonder I'm getting skinnier y'all, he's not feeding me all the damn time. That man can Cook! And by that I really do mean cook. Although I also mean sex but that's not what happened at the dinner table with his 3 little kids watching. I'm twisted but not that twisted... yet.
3. Watching the triplets ride the ferris wheel for the first time. They loved it. Declared it the coolest thing ever until the fun house. Then that was the coolest. Until the ginormous fall from the freaking heavens slide. But they didn't die or break anything so that's good.
4. A completely uncomplicated night of OMFG... no wait let me actually type that one out OohOhhOH Mah Fucking Gawd!!! sex and cuddling. And before you all get high and mighty on my ass, no I'm not still waiting and fighting for something. We're friends. Friends who bump uglies until one of us discovers someone else to bump uglies with. Things are much more comfortable now. Or they are until they get uncomfortable in the holy crap don't stop now kind of way. But of course, I'm a lady so I won't give you the details. Ladies don't discuss such things. For the record though, there was no hickey giving or getting.
5. My garden has borders. LawnBoy was going to come out on Thursday to dig me some trenches. In return he was going to buy me a beer on Saturday. Yeah, he sucks at negotiating. I told him that. Anyway, he couldn't make it on Thursday and I didn't really want to see him on Saturday so I assumed I was in the clear. I wasn't but I wriggled out of it anyway. So, on Sunday I got down and dirty in my own garden. I moved plants. I dug trenches. I put in pretty bricks. I got a fucking 9th degree sunburn on my virgin back skin.

And that ends this session of chill the hell out Steph. I'm tired and sunburned and still basking in the glow of amazing no strings attached sex!

How was your 4th of July? I hope you saw fireworks too!

**P.S. -- I have a date with TextGuy tomorrow. The hickey has finally faded enough that I don't need to wear a damn turtleneck. I'll keep you posted.

Days of Grace: 39

Fluffy Buttery Yellow Things

This is the adorable laptop sleeve that BagsandBunting made for me.

I love it's light sillyness and the big blue eyes. Oh, and those lips, don't they make you want to just run out and kiss someone? It's perfect for... Boris? Betsy? Liza? Crap, I still don't have a name for my laptop. I definitely have to work on that. I think it's a woman though. It's moody, sometimes bitchy and a royal pain in the ass with the second guessing the buttons I didn't actually push. But oh my does she know how to make me happy in all the right ways. Mmm, my laptop my lover. Now with more umm... FUR.

Days of Grace: 38

Knowing when to cut bait.

It's a really bad analogy. I thought about saying - Knowing when to shit or get off the pot. But that would have been worse.

I ended it with LocalGuy today. Yes, I did it via a PHONE CALL because while I'm a bitch, I'm not always an asshole. Then he hung up on me and started in with the emails. While I firmly kept my assholery in check, it was not easy. He said some pretty terrible things about my character all the while trying to convince me I was wrong to end it. He is/was convinced that I fucked all his friends and at least 3/4 of his entire family all before lunch today and that's why I broke up with him. Because, you know, a whore needs to be whoring and good boys like him can be boring*. I defended myself for about 2 seconds. Then I was all, You know what, you're right, I did them all and twice on Tuesday! That, he definitely didn't like. From You Slutty McSlutSlut we went straight into the But whaaaat did I do wroooong??? And finally, when I refused for the 72nd time to give him an entire list of all his flaws, he threw his final temper tantrum. YOUR LOSS! Yep, my loss. Remind me again what I lost? He was childish and immature and had a horrible temper - all demonstrated perfectly in how he behaved today. I have no regrets. I feel good that I ended it when I did and the way I did. I was NOT the asshole. He didn't have to be either. That was his choice. I did not offer to be friends. I'm of the mind that when someone offers friendship at the end of a relationship they should actually mean it. With him, I wouldn't mean it. See the difference? I'm a bitch who doesn't want to be his friend. But I am not an asshole who makes a list of all the ways he annoyed the ever loving hell out of me. I am the master of my Assholery! Huzzah!

*Did you hear the rhyme? I am mother fucking awesome. Poetry and break-ups all while screwing the local biker club.

Days of Grace: 37

Getting paid to manage a website and write for a blog

Granted, this is only a small portion of my too huge for one person (seriously, I swear to The Kool Aid Man, I do the work of 3 people and it's only going to get worse after our board meeting tomorrow -- sorry co-worker, BuhBye.) job but still, it's way funner (yes, I just said funner. FU!) than doing financials, which is what I have spent most of the last 2 weeks doing (and also why I feel justified in saying funner. My brain is mush y'all. Mush!). My momma is an accountant. Much like her tiny feet, green thumb and ability to maintain composure under any circumstances; her love of columns of numbers is NOT a gift she passed on to me.

The only downside of this work blogging thingy?
I can't say: shit, fuck, damn, sex, OMFG, screw you asshat, pussy, prick, asshole, boobs, cock, STFU, fisting or any other fun words I'm so fond of here.
EDIT. I am getting very good at EDITING myself.

Days of Grace: 36

Being Touched

Taurus: Earthy Taurus loves to touch, so palm reading is a natural way for this
sign to gather intuitive information and insight. The physical feel of the hand
helps to ground Taurus and allows him or her to "read" the lines of the palm
using the sixth-sense capabilities. Once the palm is examined, Taurus has the
innate ability to bring it all together in a connected view of the past and
future.

I assure you that I know absolutely nothing about palm reading or being psychic. The rest I have to agree with but who doesn't like to touch and be touched, I mean really?

Sometimes, that touch can fill your heart, your soul, with something special - exactly when you need it most. And in that way, I have known grace-filled moments.

Days of Grace 35.5

I forgot a song...

It just makes me happy.

Also the fantastic IllBAMotherFucker sent me these to start off my weekend right. You totally get me, IBAMF. Much love and lots of hot wet kisses.

It's like he's looking up to me to save him from the pain. I'll save you Ryan. Let Sassy save you.

Class, an exotic accent, come fuck me eyes... mmmm

I love a bunny with curves.

This man needs to take his shirt off more however, I have to admit that he can make me wet with that smile alone. It's that rugged... something. Just WOW.

I don't know who he is, but he's bringing me flowers so it's all good. Dude, lose the pony tail.

Hot and ... and nothing. There's nothing more to say than OMFG HOT!

And finally; The most beautiful woman ever. EVER.

p.s. IBAMF, get a blog man. You crack my shit up!

Have a fantastic Memorial Day Weekend Everyone.

Days of Grace: 35 (Music Edition)

These are the songs that make me pause for just a minute everytime they pop up on my play list.

1. I love her sound. She is simply amazing. And her songs always seem to stroke a nerve for me.
2. Both of them - fantastic. But this pairing and this song. Takes me a bit surprise every time and I just have to stop...
3. How can you contain your inner diva when this comes on? You can't I say. Can't.
4. Mantra!
5. Because it's summer and this song is light and fluffy and makes me SMILE.

Days of Grace: 34

Life Doesn't Get Much Better Than This

1. A day by the lake with "long lost" family. The are smart and witty and my drink was never empty!
2. Watching Harley being the most perfect puppy ever, even when surrouned by dozens of screaming 9 year olds.
3. Sitting at my patio table enjoying some coffee and writing a blog post on my lovely new laptop.
4. Furniture back in place on pretty refinished wood floors.
5. A cousin who is going to set me up. I'm excited and nervous about this one. Lipstick or butch? Isn't there somewhere inbetween?

Days of Grace: 33

It's been a while since I've done one of these, not because I haven't been graced by so many wonderful things but mostly because I'm a preoccupied self-centered bitch. Only not really. I swear!

1. The Truth - Sometimes it hurts. But when it's complete and not circled around or avoided things begin to make sense and there is often Release, Relief, and Peace.
2. A nervous phone call that turns into over an hour of GREAT conversation
3. Mom's homemade chili
4. Bathing suit shopping - no really! Feel the joy with me. There was a definite lack of wiggle-wobble and squoosh-mooosh. Things were flat and things curved in just the right places. I looked pretty fucking hot if I must say so myself.
5. A laptop - I ordered one. I shouldn't have but I'm positive it will give me endless happiness this summer when I can sit out on my patio looking at my gorgeous lawn and flowers while I blog.
6. Daydreaming about the hot half naked gardener that is going to give me the gorgeous lawn and flowers.
7. Tonight is soccer night!!!!!

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Days of Grace: 32

1. Men who say what they are thinking
2. Getting the insurance company to finally agree to cover water damage from CHRISTMAS!
3. Destroying the Things in a nerf gun war
4. No matter the circumstances of the day/week/month/year, up or down, knowing that life is so good and that I am fucking fabulous!___________________________________
   

Days of Grace: 31

1) Eating at fun new places, trying new things and not washing dishes

------I've had an opportunity to eat out a bit more of late and have enjoyed going to places I've never been before or introducing someone else to one of my favorite off the wall joints. Most recently I had lunch with someone at an East African restaraunt that stole my heart months ago. My friend was skeptical, more inclined to meat and potatos, the vegetable laden menu seemed daunting. The final verdict, "That was good. I'd go there again. But we have to take turns, next time it's a steak place." Fair enough. Fair enough. I also ventured out to a Mongolian place that was recommended to me and thoroughly enjoyed the variety. I wish I had enjoyed the desserts because they looked amazing but if I'd have done that I would have barfed and that's just not the best way to finish a meal.



2) Soccer

------ I always swore that I would never own a minivan. A few years ago I broke down and bought one. Considering the things I was involved in at the time, it made sense. With or without the van though, I am most definitely a soccer mom. When I get out there (quite possibly with a beverage in hand), sitting in the sun watching the kids race too and fro, I morph into a cartoon character of myself. I'm yelling and shouting and cheering. I love to watch the kids get in there and really go for it. The girls that can take a hit and get right back up and go after it. The boys who will go head to head with those girls and not back down. I'm competitive. I won't apologize for that. Thursday is my new favorite day of the week.



3) Photography

------ I have a friend who has graciously agreed to give me some lessons on how to use my camera. I have a Sony A100... I think. It's a DSLR and I'm clueless. He has a Minoga or Menagua (wait, that's a city, not a camera) or something. Apparently our lenses are interchangable. Whatever. We're going to the botanical gardens to play this weekend and I'm so excited. He is also a techy and is going to give me some tips on Photoshop. Perhaps I'll be able to post some good pictures soon.



4) Phoenix in June

------- No really, I'm not kidding about that one. As y'all know, I have a wonderfully perfect squishy yummy angelic new nephew that I must smother with love and hugs and snuggles and kisses. Dan the Man, my oldest friend that I still have contact with, will be home (Phoenix) for a visit in June. He's stationed in Germany and just got back from a long time in the SandBox. Why not coordinate such things and take a mini-vaca in a couple months? Why not head for the Valley of the Sun in a few weeks. Here's why, because my eyeball juices will boil and my brain will melt and ooze out my ears. Oh hell, what do I care? I'll get baby loving and to see see a treasured friend. I'm saving my pennies. Bring on the heat!



5) Motorcycles?

------ I have a friend who is pulling out his motorcycle tonight for the first time this season. While he tinkers and does whatever the heck one has to do to make a bike road ready each year, I get to play kissy kissy with a 4 month old yellow lab. Then, we ride. WooHoo!



Now, if only someone can tell me how to ride with long-ish hair and not have it end up looking like this when I'm done:





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Days of Grace: 30

1. Seeing my favorite AMAZING local band


2. HOT lead singers who move in ways that make you think of... god help me... whew, it was definitely warm in there...
3. A man who compliments my eyes, and follows it up by staring at them all night long


4. A man who was so nervous that upon saying good night, he stood 8 FEET away and kept shuffling forward and back while blushing. Blushing!


5. Being asked to text him when I got home just to make sure I was safe.

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Days of Grace: 29

Getting into my skinny jeans again...

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