Wisconsin is Schitzophrenic

Currently in my van I have:
1 Snow Shovel
1 Wool Blanket
1 Ice Scraper
1 Extra pair of snow shoes
2 Umbrellas
2 Pairs of sunglasses
4 pairs of Thing swim trunks


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Wearing my heart on my sleeve at the moment

Because MyHope asked that I never post pregnant rapper videos ever again -



My Sister My Friend

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Doors

I really don't know what my fascination is with doors. But several years ago I saw a framed print with 3 different doors... I fell in love with this picture. It was well out of my price range but I went back and visited it at the store often. I cuddled with it. I even let it get to second base in the middle of Home Furnishings. Then one day it was just gone.




Ever since then, my door fetish has been raging. And when I found this on Etsy this morning I about creamed my pants:


And then I found this and discovered that I'm hot for windows too:




Go visit Mwilson's Etsy store and tell them (he? she? I don't know) how completely and totally fantastic their stuff is. Even better - Buy lots of stuff. I'm broke so I can't. But you all should. Then I'll visit your house and be all inappropriate in your living room. Yes! Yes! Oh Yes! Slide that window baby!

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The Last Word

The Things and I were playing a game called The Last Word. It is incredibly simple in theory but very un-simple to execute. My brain goes dead as soon as someone hits the button and I end up saying something brilliant like Bullfrog Toenails for "Things That Need To Be Trimmed" and start with the letter "B."

Efective immediatly, I will forever concede to Thing1 in this game:
The Letter: V
The Topic: Things found in a bathroom

I come out with Vaseline and patiently wait for the buzzer to go off in the following silence. And then I notice my son's face turning purple.

Sassy- What?
Thing1- I can't say it. It's in-ah-proh-pree-ut
Thing2- YESSSsssss! What is it? His 11 year old glee has him practically bouncing out of his chair.
Sassy- Oh come on now. You brought it up. Now spill it
SassyTheInnerMonologue - OMG, he's gonna say Vibrator. Please don't let him say Vibrator.
Thing1 laughing so hard his eyeballs are 75% out of his head: No. No. I just. I can't.
SassyTIM- It has to be vibrator. They know I hoard batteries like a squirl preparing for an Ice Age but I don't think they actually found my toy box... OMG! MY TOY BOX!
Thing2- Mom looks like she's going to puke. This is awesome!
Thing1- See, it's really bad. I can't say it.
Sassy- OK, just say it already
Thing1- ...
...
...
... V A G I N A!!!!!

Sassy- *crickets*

How did I miss that one? I am in awe of the boy. Game. Set. Match.

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Ummm... I'm really sorry?

OK, I might have mentioned a time or 9 that I'm going to be an Auntie again very soon. Very soon as in 2 weeks very soon. Women get crazy when they are pregnant. Crazy! All. Women. CRAZY.

I'm going to borrow just a little of that justification for myself today and blame the following on my own OMG-A-BABY-IS-COMING-and-it-doesn't-have-to-claw-out-of-my-hooha-OMG-A-BABY craziness.

For MyHope. I love you more than words.


*** This horrific visual train wreck was discovered while hanging out here. Go say hi to Kristy. She's preggo-crazy too. <3

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I'm an artiste

I was up too late last night and struggled to get out of bed this morning. So, in an effort to save time, I brought my make up into work with me. I'm here first each morning and have plenty of time to start the coffee and do a little facial magic.

Except, when I opened my little bag I discovered that I had forgotten to grab my brushes. Shit. Deep breath. OK. Foundation and eye shadow can be done by hand. But powder - blush - brow powder and eyeliner... Double shit.

And this is where things got freaky y'all.
I found a very small piece of gauze in our first aid kit.
And I found tampons.

The gauze caught just enough powder to dust it on my face without getting clumpy. WIN.

The tampons: I pulled them out of their little cardboard tubes and pulled it apart. There's a ton of material there ladies! Then I cut it up into little cotton pads for the blush and brows. Hooray, I was not looking like my makeup was applied by Tammy Faye's drunk blind monkey.

But the eyeliner... Hmmm.... Then I had it. Brilliance. I use powder eyeliner. I pulled the tampon string through the eyeliner and then slid the string along my lid. Lovely.

I Am Gorgeous. Thank you Tampax!

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Testing Testing

I am an html wizard guru prodigy fucking genius!



I just figured out how to do the strikethrough thingy.

Y'all can bow down before my greatness.



URDUMB - Yes, I know.



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Days of Grace: 25

Silly little gifts that create memories which last long after

the plastic arms fall off of Do-Wah-Diddy.

My Aunt is dying.

The Things and I were talking about her last night and THIS made us laugh so hard we could pretend our tears were happy ones, for a least a moment.

I'm sure you don't get it. You sort of had to be there. But they remembered these ugly little toys and the retarded video that she gave them and could not stop talking about.

How can we explain to her just how much she will be missed? Impossible.

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all about SM... sorta

I'm an only child and as such you should all be aware that the world revolves around me, duh.

But perhaps you'd like to hear a little bit about the man I'm always babbling about. This MeMe is courtesy of Dooce.

Sassy and SM:

What are your middle names?

My middle name is Sue. SM's middle name is Lee. If you imagine them with a scary southern drawl like this: "Betty-Sue an' Tommy-Lee are over by the keg watchin' all them kids of theirs" you can see how ridiculously red-neck we have the potential to be. Thanks Mom and Dad.

How long have you been together?

We just celebrated 1 year.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?

We were emailing for about 3 days and talked on the phone once. We met in person on our first date.

Who asked whom out?

That's a good question. I really don't remember who prompted the "we should maybe try being in the same room" conversation. Probably me. I'm pushy like that.

How old are each of you?

I'm 33, he's 37.

I regularly remind him that he's old because it's funny and he is.

Whose siblings do you see the most?

Self-centered only child am I. - I have met his sister and we get along great. I'm a little concerned that my mouth is going to get me in trouble when I meet his brother though. Why? Because he's a "good ol' boy" and I'm a Bitc... opinionated.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?

Oy! Now isn't this timely. I recently freaked the hell out about this one. I might have even left a coating of teary snot on his shirt when all I really wanted to do was escape before I completely lost my shit. FAIL. Our living arrangement is complicated. He resides in Cooterville and I live in the woods (if you know the actual cities, please tell me I'm clever because HA! I'm clever!). We are each tied to our hometowns because of our children. It's not something we talk about much. I hope we'll find a way to adjust or work together better through this at some point, sometime, in the future-ish. But do you remember the planner versus non-planner thing? Yeah.

Did you go to the same school?

Nope, he became even more brilliant at a small private college in Wisconsin while I learned how to do beer bongs at the University of Arizona.

Are you from the same home town?

Again, nope. He is a Wisconsin boy, born and bred. I'm an Arizona transplant.

Who is smarter?

Crap. Do I have to answer this one honestly? FINE! He is. He knows everything about everything, and that's why when I happen to know a little something about something I must insist that I AM RIGHT. He might find that a little annoying.

Who is the most sensitive?

Well, I have a uterus so by default, I am. And that's all I'm going to say about that. Unless you want snot on your shoulder too.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?

I don't think we've been to the same place twice. We really enjoy trying new places.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?

Tilleda. We're headed to Tennessee in July. We'll be stuck in the car for over 12 hours with three 7-year olds, one 11-year old, one 13-year old and one 17-year old. If we don't return it's because they turned rabid and ate us.

Who has the craziest exes?

He does. She is SATAN.

Who has the worst temper?

When I'm angry I get really quiet and let the mad-ness grow. He tends to bust a blood vessel and then be over it. Which is worse is debatable.

Who does the cooking?

ROFLMAO! Even when we are at my house and I planned a meal for me to cook By. My. Self. OMG., I will suddenly turn around and find him at the stove taking over. I r spoilt.

Who is the neat-freak?

Once again, the freak medal goes to me. I thrive on organization. I like big open airy rooms with no clutter. He... doesn't.

Who is more stubborn?

Oooo, not me! He wins this one easily. Which is weird because I'm the bull-headed Taurus. I never get my way with him. I r not as spoilt as I should be.

Who hogs the bed?

The man must sleep smack dab in the middle of the bed. Then he hogs the blankets. So I am left with either clinging to the wall and freezing my ass off without blankets or cuddling up to him and roasting alive because he is a human furnace. It keeps things interesting.

Who wakes up earlier?

He is the most chipper morning person I have ever met. Sometimes I'm tempted to pee in his cheerios just for funzies. In order to not ruin his day with my general A.M. Crabbyness, I try and sneak in an extra snooze or 5.

Where was your first date?

A dive bar in the middle of freaking nowhere complete with pregnant smoking bartenders and tractors in the parking lot.

Who is more jealous?

This post is supposed to be about him not me. Sheesh people. Focus!

How long did it take to get serious?

Really, emotionally serious: about a month and an awful email conversation about seeing each other until something else comes along.

Who eats more?

Holy crap, the man does not stop eating. It is just not fair. I think about french fries and my ass grows 2 inches. He grazes all day long and has a waist slightly larger than my 13 year old son.

Who does the laundry?

We each do our own. I'm all for sharing the chores but he does 83 loads a week just to keep up with the triplets and that's where I have to draw a line on share and share alike.

Who's better with the computer?

We both know enough to get into trouble and fumble our way out of it. But honestly, I'm just terribly lazy about all things with cables and cords and buttons. That's when playing the helpless female works to my advantage.

Who drives when you are together?

He does. I much prefer to let him drive so I can gawk out the window and talk non-stop. It's just safer that way.

SexyMan

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Sunday Wanderings

My friend got her ring. It was THE ring. She is on cloud nine and I'm so happy for her. But she did not spend the entire 20 minutes of our conversation gushing about the ring. What she kept saying was "He wants me... forever" in this awed voice that made me want to squish her up in a great big hug. Of course he wants you - forever, honey. Of course he does!

Our conversation only lasted 20 minutes not because she was done gushing or because I was done listening to her sound so happily-ever-after-OMG! It ended because I ran out of gas. No, really. I Ran. Out. Of. Gas. My car sputtered and slowed. I coasted to the side of the road and hung up. Then I walked my cold ass to the next freeway exit in search of fuel. By the time I got there I couldn't decide whether I was on my way home or if I had just left it.

I am here now. Wherever that is.



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You say tomato, I say OMFG that's ugly

I have a girlfriend who is anticipating being betrothed very soon. Soon as in TONIGHT soon. She stumbled across her man's credit card statement and there was a $22,575 purchase on it at Tiffany.




So let's just stop and look at that for a minute.

1) Stumbled across? Pfft!!!


2) $22,757 on a piece of Jewelry? OMG!
That's a freaking car people.
That's 7,611 Big Mac's.
That's 1,896 cases of beer.
That's 284 pairs of over priced jeans
That's 12 gallons of gas!



But it wasn't just the stealthy credit card glance or the crazy price tag that made my head explode in this conversation, it was the ring she hoped that he chose:


That has to be the gaudiest ring I have ever seen in my life. Now, I happen to know this man makes almost as much money as GM's CEO so whatever he does buy will be the real deal. But if I saw any other woman on earth wearing this thing I would immediately assume she had a lousy redneck trashy fiance who bought her a fake ring. Fakey fake fake. Top that off with the simple and undeniable fact that it is just plain FUGLY.

But being the great friend that I am, I oooo'ed and awwww'ed and gushed over how gorgeous it will look on her little bitty finger. Now, I can only hope that he actually was her own personal Super Man and that he picked the ring she has her heart set on. Otherwise she will be crying diamond shaped tears tomorrow and $21,000 is going to be cheap to repair the damage.

Now, since it's Friday and my office is EMPTY I've been emailing with some of my more classy and less wealthy single* girlfriends to see what they hope to sport on that all important digit some day. Here's what we learned.

Five incredibly diverse single women from various places in their romantic journeys have very different tastes but still dream of happily ever after with one man and one gorgeous rock.

• Ella is not currently in a relationship, has never been married and has no kids
• Stella has kids is dating but not seriously and has never been married
• Frella is a divorced cougar with grown children and a much younger lover
• LouElla has never been married and has no children. She has been living with the same man for over 15 years.
• Bella is divorced, has teenish kids and is in a committed relationship.

So here's the audience participation part. Vote for your favorite bauble. (Boys girls, married or single, join the fun)

*Sorry married ladies but you are required by marriage law #862 to love the ring you vowed yourself into, whether you had wet dreams of a different sparkly sort all those years ago or not.




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Oh Shit, We've Been Found ***updated

Christ on a cracker people.
SM has found us.
Quick hide the keg before he drinks all the beer.
And put your panties back on.



P.S. I better not catch any of you fondling him under the table.

***update***
In the past I have protected my blog-anonymity. Recently I've given up on that and passed on my link to people who have asked for it. Today SM asked. This is kind of scary for me but also very freeing. What does this mean to all of you? Absolutely nothing actually - other than I had an opportunity to post a HOT photo.

Redneck BabyShower

Redneck Mommy went and got herself another baby and in true loving blogger fashion, someone organized an on-line baby shower for her. In this case, the mommy is not showered with gifts but instead with posts about how we are all rednecks too.


Have you met my family? This will be E-Z.
And so I started typing. But then something happened that made words completley unneccesary (just like hips).




Meet SM:




Can I pick 'em or what?
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Days of Grace: 24

1. Another advertising offer
2. That I'm confident in turning down
3. Loving that this place is MINE to choose what goes up or not.
4. Being asked to write an article for a big Mom-Site
5. Living so many awesome post ideas that I don't have time to write them

Wordless Wednesday - Dancing in the rain

Weiner follow-up

It's always nice when there is no risk of a dangerous verbal faux pas.
Sometimes talk is just over rated.



There is a spot just along the hip bone always speaks to me.

Must Touch! Mmmmm.

Days of Grace: 23

Walking in on his Dad just out of the shower, the perspective of a 7 year old

Logie Says:

1. Dad, your wiener is ginormous
2. And really dark!
3. Jaymie! When we grow up our wieners are gonna be huge
4. And when they grow at night they are going to be THIS big
5. We could sword fight!

BeardedClam - Wiener - Hooters

WARNING, this could get graphic. If you are now or ever have been related to me, you might want to just look away right now.


I love me some dirty talk. Phone sex, text sex, steamy love letters, quickie lunch box post-its and head-board banging screams of "Fuck Me Now" all get me hot and bothered. The combination of warm breath whispering across my ear and a throaty voice promising what's to come can take good sex and rocket it through the roof. But as much as I like the verbal foreplay I have to admit that I've always been hesitant to open my mouth with a new partner, at least to form actual words. What if I say the wrong thing? I like it "dirty" but does he? Will it just sound silly? What if it completely turns her off? Those are scary questions, especially when you are en route to a happy ending and afraid you might be forced to cut the party short. What exactly constitutes dirty? Good and dirty? Is there bad and dirty, and is that actually good?


The Urban Diction has hundreds of words and phrases to describe the human playground. Some you've heard and some are just plain ridiculous. With such a vast naughty vocabulary to filter through you are bound to discover that some words just don't flip your switch. A lot of women don't like Cunt. I would imagine that most men would prefer you not call it his Lil'Willie. It's a verbal mine-field.


And even when you have the right words, the way it's said can ruin the moment too. Recently, while tubbing it, I was texting SM hoping he'd give me motivation to steam up the bathroom mirror even more. I thought that maybe he was getting the gist of things... Until he sent me "Lick Lick Suck then Fuck." (*crickets*) No, seriously. He actually sent that. We weren't trading raunchy nursery rhymes, people. That was actually intended to turn me on. It didn't. Now don't get me wrong, none of those words are taboo words for me. But in the context of my phone I just heard Andrew Dice Clay in his NY accent saying "Hey bitch, it's lick lick suck then fuck." My moment was ruined. I tried to salvage it and asked for details. Lick where? Suck what? Fuck how? That's when I learned that he had a child on his lap and couldn't mentally go there at the moment. Sheesh, now I'm the nasty woman who was trying to seduce some one's Daddy. Game over.


A few days later, SM asked me what words I liked. In truth, for me it's all about the context. I'm not a fan of the word Cunt but under the right circumstances it might work. However, child play will turn me off very quickly They are not boobies and and there damn well better not be a baby in the room. I'm not a naughty little girl and you are not a dirty boy. That's just, ummm... No.

Where am I going with this? I'm not sure except that now I'm curious: When talking dirty, which words turn up the heat and which stop you cold?

Days of Grace: 22

Girl time complete with shopping, nails and make up.

Shimmy says:

1. Your hair and make up look really good dude
2. Your like a sexy 50's pin-up girl
3. You're not old enough for all that face cream crap yet
4. Can I tell you something...
5. You can have the last cookie

Days of Grace: 21

1. Handmade valentines that smell like shaving cream
2. Crafts with the Things.
3. Roses
4. 7 people piled on the couch
5. Sleeping in

WTF Blanket

Holy Shit, they read my mind.

Vomit - Rinse - Repeat

I'm home with a puking Thing today.

I hope your Friday is less... (s)icky.

Days of Grace: 20

1. Being an Aunt again in exactly 4 weeks (Wooooo, Weeeeee, Yippppeeeee... Happy happy happy happy)
2. Wine. Thank God for wine. (I might have said this one already)
3. Watching young love
4. Dreaming about spring
5. Finding a new way home that avoids all the college students -that are dumb as deer. Oh Em Gee!!!!

For The Bible Told Me So

I heard about For the Bible Tells Me So from somewhere on the internet and I was curious so I netflixed it. When I watched it I kept thinking OMG, YES! Sadly, I think this movie will only be effective when "preaching to the choir." I don't think it's going to swing any votes or change any minds. I find that disappointing. Things won't change until people do. However, I do think it is a great tool for educating some people; people who in their gut just know that Prop 8 was a load of donkey shit and struggle with what the Bible "says."



Not long ago, the Things and I were chatting while driving somewhere. Some of our most bestest conversations happen in the car. Remember this one? Yeah, awesome! So anyway, Thing1 mentions that he and his friends were discussing whether or not gays should be allowed to marry and he could not for the life of him understand why the heck not... UNTIL... someone said "because the Bible says so." Well that brought my little left wing liberal to a complete halt. He didn't blindly change his mind. Instead he said, something along the lines of "I haven't read that part. I'd like to look into it." (no, seriously, he talks just like that) Then he came to me and pretty much said "WTF Mom!" There ensued a long conversation about how I am absolutely not a Bible literalist and how a book written by humans must be influenced by humans. The Bible did not fall from the sky in 10pt Times New Roman print. We talked about the culture of the time the Bible was written, about how word meanings can change from generation to generation and how words don't always directly translate from one language to another. We talked about using all of that information to understand the Bible (hermeneutics) rather than blindly parroting a verse. I think that people get their panties in a bundle over things and start spouting all kinds of -Oh Em Gee, You are so going to hell- crap when it's our personal issues, not The Big G's issues. Besides, if you really do believe the whole "Great All Knowing I AM" thing then how can you even begin to think that you have a clue what HE thinks? OK, so back to the movie. I'm going to have my children watch this movie. I think it will help them understand that just because someone says so (or someone says the Bible says so) doesn't actually mean it is so. Think my children. Think. That's why God gave you a brain.



Recently, I read an eloquent post about how the gay marriage debate is not about religion but is about a person's rights. I agree with Erika COMPLETELY! Marriage in this nation is a business "merger" between two people. Like tax codes applying to a small business, there are laws and regulations that apply to marriage. Now, I'm not saying that getting married can't be a spiritual thing, what I'm saying is that it is not a spiritual thing to everyone. The state doesn't mandate that you must base your marriage on faith. So how can the state say based on faith, you cannot marry? I just don't get it. But don't take my word for it. Read what Erika has to say:

As much as you don’t want to hear it, your ‘Yes’ vote on Prop 8 was not a
vote about what the word means, but a vote which reinforced my second-class
citizenship. Your vote is not congruent with your professed belief in equality.
Your vote rests on the false assumption that marriage is strictly a contract
between God, man, and woman when, in reality, marriage is the vehicle
delivering people to equal rights, responsibilities, privileges, and protections
and you decided that I’m not worthy of a ride. (Need I remind you that you
asked that we focus on what marriage is in present day reality, rather than
on what it was in past contexts.)

I'm not sure how to end today. Maybe that makes sense. To NOT have a pretty little ending. After all, this is far from over.

Days of Grace:19

1. A few days of 40+ weather in the middle of winter just to remind me that this arctic freeze can't last forever
2. Dreaming about spring
3. People who are strong enough to stand up and say NO, That's Wrong. (Happy Birthday Pres. Lincoln)
4. Knowing that Thing1 is squirming in his chair ever time his sex-ed teacher says the word Vagina.
5. Quiet nights with a warm blanket and a good book

Days of Grace: 18

1. People who don't bitch at me for missing a few days of Grace (thank you people)
2. Not having to dwell on should I or shouldn't I permanently decided to not have any more babies (enough double negatives there?)
3. Having brownies as an appetizer because Just Give Me the Damn Chocolate Already OMG!
4. My Momma - for holding my hand through some of the worst physical pain I have ever felt
5. Body scrubs and oils and lotions and mmmm.... yummy.

That's it. Keep going. Your doing great!

I lost my job last summer. Remember that? Remember when I lied to you and told you I wasn't freaking out when I was most definitely Freaking. The. Fuck. Out.? Yeah, that. I received an ass ton (that's an actual measurement people. i don't understand the metric system, i just use it.) of support just so I could manage each day. I had my ass dragged through the financial disaster of my life and the sludge of depression by friends and family. Now those tendrils of support are slithering back to the homes they came from. I'm hanging onto this rope all by myself. My legs are tired. My arms are shaking. But I'm reaching up a little bit higher each day.

I think I can do this.

Apologetics - not so much

I believe in God. I know some of you might be shocked by that. I can be rather flippant and irreverent here. Personally, I think God has a fantastic sense of humor. After all, he created mine, right? This post, however, should not be blamed on God. Whether thought provoking or complete gibberish, this whole thing can all be blamed on Aimee's son Declan and his Church of Suspenders. And for the record, I would totally go to that church.

I wanted to be a pastor for many years (until I ran face first into church politics and fuck that hurt) but I do not practise Apologetics* and I am not a bible literalist. My faith is very much a part of who I am, the way I behave, the choices I make; for good or bad. My children and I talk about faith and God and the way we live our lives all the time.

Some things I believe:

• I don't have all the answers
• Everyone should be respected, no matter what they believe (or don't believe)
• A person's belief should be based on their own exploration and decisions,
  not based on what Mom and Dad told them they have to believe.
• Wine is a gift from God and should be enjoyed often (this one might be my favorite)
  

Thing1 is going to youth group with a friend tonight who attends a Christian/Jewish church. I think that is a very cool concept and I totally want to hear what they have to say. I want to go! I wasn't invited. Tomorrow, he'll share with me and I'll learn something. I can't wait!

...
Crap, the phone rang and now I have no idea where I was going with this post. I doubt the shiny things distraction will work two days in a row. How about this:

Declan, this boys needs to be saved-


*Apologetics -n. (used with a sing. verb)
1. The branch of theology that is concerned with defending or proving the truth of Christian doctrines.
2. Formal argumentation in defense of something, such as a position or system.

Totally Stolen Post

Because I'm PMSing and tired and can't put together a logical (translation: not total crap and fantastically idiotic) thought today, I give you this:

KID STONED AFTER A DENTIST VISIT

Stoned Little Kid After Dentist Visit - Watch more Funny Videos
***No Things were drugged in the making of this video.

A very heartfelt thank you to Sleep Deprivation Ninja, who not only doesn't know who the hell I am, but probably doesn't want his name associated with my blog. However, I did think his pictures and videos were hilarious.
Mr. Sleepy Ninja you helped me waste 2 hours at work today when I had too many things that needed to be finished and could not wrap my head around how to start any of them.

P.S. Am I the only woman out there who feels like she gets completely stupid one day a month? If you have no idea what I'm talking about then Quick, look over there, SHINEY THINGS!!! (Muwahahaha, I am the master of distraction)

Month Two Hundred and Fifty Two

My dear little Deb,

It seems that you are in search of your very own MommyBlogger. I am not certain that I actually qualify as a MommyBlogger since I'm much more interested in talking about my vagina than about my no longer snotty nosed children. However, your bedtime story reached deep into my twisted little heart and brought forth the tiniest spark of Mommyness. Let's see if we can fan the flames and make it grow.

Today you are... oh hell, I don't know how fucking old you are. I'm too busy drinking Jack to bother with counting. But you are probably at least 21 and since that is the age you should be so I don't have to feel icky about my luuurve for you that is the age you will always remain. Young, innocent, nubile and bendy.

The last 12 months have been ...

It began with a super naughty Super Hero birthday party. The hell with the princesses, you wanted gorgeous women with breasts heaving out of their super-costumes. And men in tights. I think that was when I first knew you were mine.

Then you were visited by one of the grand-poobahs of bloggers, Bossy, while she was cavorting around the country on Bossy's Excellent Road Trip. As you talked on and on and fucking on about how much you wanted to eat corn chips out of Bossy's navel I came to understand that you weren't my sweet little blogger whose world revolved around me any longer. You had your own friends and your own life. This moment was bittersweet. So I took another shot of Jack and a couple of Valium to help me deal with losing my little girl.

You followed that up by breaking my heart by NOT loving SATC. I know I raised you better than that. But I tried to quell your rebellious behavior by telling you all about my SATC vagina exerciser. I know that imagining your MommyBlogger's vagina will probably send you into years of therapy but I'm OK with that because I just bought another bottle of MommyJuice instead of putting money away for your college education. This will give you something else to bitch about to the shrink.

Your wild phase continued when your robotic clit voted for Sarah Palin in a lacy negligee, or some shit like that. I was so busy shooting vodka out my nose to catch all the details. Moments like these made me so proud to be your MommyBlogger.

The winter cold meant you were stuck inside more which of course led to MS having to beat you off with a very sexy leather whip because you were both Ovulating. Damn lucky woman, that MS.

And then you found Jesus or Buddha or some random goat to worship. I blame Twitter and Gandhi. But since your litergy involves PANCAKES I decided to cancel the intervention and just drink the kool-aide right along with you.

Which brings us to today, your 21st birthday. I'm so proud to be your MommyBlogger that my blackened rock of a heart might just burst. Now, let's find a bar with hot servers and $5 body shots to celebrate. Don't forget your Wonder Woman Costume!

Love MommaSassy.

Y'all owe SM a great big thank you.

Today, was going to be all about my vagina.

SM made me realize that those without a vested interest in my vagina might find this story a bit ummm... dry (snicker, giggle, chortle).

And since I really have nothing else to say at the moment what with the glowing rays of warmish sunshine pouring in my window and the view of people playing on the lake with their puppies and the fact that I'm going to wear my adorable new shirt tomorrow when we go out even though it is sleeveless and the weather is only warm when put in perspective with -40 degree wind chills and it won't cover my hickeys (OMG, yes, I have hickeys. I don't know whether to hide in shame or go "Dude, check this out! Aren't I cool and shit?") I will leave you with this:



It's a little long and the first 4 minutes might leave you saying "Sassy, this is La-aaame!" But trust me, at aproximately 4:03 you will be shooting coffee out your nose.

Days of Grace:17

1. The tiny cafe on my way to work that sells the best vegetarian breakfast burritos (as big as your head) for only $3.
2. A perfectly clean bill of health and few more years before my first mamogram
3. My doctor with ZERO personality who can and will talk about anything as if it is no big deal.
4. 2 half days at work in a row
5. Warm and sunny 40 degree weather in February

Wordless Wehursday part 2: Digging to China

Wordless Wehursday: Just Chillin

Days of Grace: 16

1. A sweet silly smile
2. Sparkling blue eyes
3. OMFG muscles
4. That spot along his hip bone
5. Feeling the Deja Vu

Bonus - Date night with prostitutes and gigilos.

525,600 Minutes

One year ago today I drove through a horrific ice storm to the middle of nowhere. The spacious bar was empty except for the pregnant bartender that was chain smoking Camels ... and him. Our first date. If the location was any indication, we were definitely in trouble. One patron who walked in later actually arrived On. His. Tractor.

Throughout the evening we talked, laughed and shot some pool. We drank some beers and flirted. He even got up the nerve to kiss me when he claims he's never been the first kiss initiator before. I've initiated many times and I was definitely too nervous that night. We made plans to see each other again that weekend...

It's been a very good year.

Here's how I know I'm up for another one:
I'm a planner. Must have a plan. Even if we have to change the plan and wing it at the last minute, I. Need. A. Plan.
SM is not a planner. In fact, even when I specifically ask him about plans he hedges around hating to commit to it, as if locking himself into a time will squoosh all the air out of his lungs. He'd much rather act in the moment.

We were discussing having an actual DATE this weekend to celebrate 1 year and Valentines Day. I wanted ideas of what to do so I could figure out a wardrobe. He was thwarting me at every turn and driving me absolutely ape-shit crazy!
Today I got this email-

Saturday Schedule
I am getting up at 5:45AM

Leaving house at 6:15

Hunting from 6:30 to 7:30

Work from 8AM to 11 or 12 (whichever comes first)

Eat lunch at 12

Nap from 1 to 2

Shower and head to your house

Arrive at your house at 3:30

Kiss you from 3:30-3:45

Take you to your room and %^&@$#%&!@(@ (OMG)

Get dressed again at 4:30

Leave at 4:45

Arrive at restaurant 5:10

Eat dinner and have a beer.

Leave at 6:05

Head to State Street and find parking garage

Walk the streets like a prostitute and gigolo until 7:45PM

Arrive at comedy club at 7:45 for the 8PM show and enjoy!

*Big Sappy Sigh*

He PLANNED to cruise State like a pair of street walkers. This guy totally gets me!

Days of Grace: 15

1. Homemade bread
2. Quiche
3. Corn Fritters
4. Ice Cream Sundaes
5. Pants that still fit

I'm going to the Chapel...

...and I'm gonna get Maaa-aaaa-aaaried. Gee I really love him and I'm gonna get married. Going to the chapel of Looooove.

I've finally hit the big time. I had a request for advertising on my blog. See that little "Wedding Rings" linky to your right. That's it. That's all I had to do. I put up the link to Superior Wedding Rings and they sent me a ring of my choice within a certain price range. That sounds like a simple arrangement. Simple if you are anyone but Sassy.

You see, I am not actually in the market for a wedding ring at this moment. But I do like free goodies. So I made a bargain. If Superior Wedding Rings would let me select a ring that didn't look so weddingring-ish that was above the price range they gave me, AND I loved it as much as I thought I would, then I would write a series of posts documenting the life and times of the ring.

Here's the ring I chose:

It is an 8mm wide black tungsten carbide plaid band.


It is GORGEOUS! I <3 it.


However, it is also extremely manly (it was after all, from their men's collection that they sized to a dainty 7.5 just for me). And since SM's fingers are bigger than my thumb, I decided to pass it on to Thing1. That really was the only choice I had considering the minute this lucious ring fell out of the envelope Thing1 was tongue kissing. Obviously, he loves it. It looks great on him, don't you think?


He has a bit more growing to do before it will fit on his ring finger but at his current rate that should happen sometime next week.

I am really jealous that he has the brand new spiffy ring because I WANT ME SOME BLING! Speaking of Jealous, Thing2 offered to tattoo Superior Wedding Rings on his left butt cheek if they would send him a ring too.

If you are in the market for wedding bands, or just want a new bauble, I highly recommend that you go check this place out. You won't regret it.

*** Thing1 has agreed to let me document the adventures of him and the ring as long as I blur his face in the posts. Muwahahahahaha! If he only knew the plans I have for him.
Stay tuned for the premier episode of: The Adventures of Thing1 and His Ring of Power

Days of Grace: 14

1. Thing1's innocent and sweet courtship of his girl.
2. Thing2 not being ready to sweetly court the girl he has a crush on.
3. Watching the Things flip back and forth from carefree children to tentative young men
4. Seeing the world through Thing-colored glasses. Your perspectives and insight amaze me.
5. Things that have finally stopped arguing with me about doing the dishes!

So you wanna get laid, do you?

So, I was cruising around the internet highway with my top down when I stumbled across this:


Let's face it, flatulence can be a definite cock-block. But is it really THAT big a deal? And if so, what do you do when the panties hit the floor?

No really, what do you do?