Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The best present EVER ***updated

This is the post in which I talk very briefly about Sex and the City and perhaps make you throw up a little in your mouth.

NO MOVIE SPOILERS, I wouldn’t do that to you.

A little background: Do you remember the SATC episode where the girls are at brunch and they are discussing Kegel exercises? Samantha says “I’m doing mine right now.” If you haven’t seen it or just don’t remember, that’s ok. You know that you’ve sat around a table talking about vagina exercises before and during that conversation you gave yourself a squeeze or two just because. Go with that…

Now a little scenery description: I’m sitting at an upscale bar drinking a cosmo and waiting for my girlfriend to join me. The bar is on the roof of a movie theatre. The bar is packed full of women all dressed up and excited to see the SATC movie. There are kitten heels and cleavage everywhere!

And finally, the story which probably isn’t as good as all the build up, or maybe you’ve already left me because there was too much build up. Have you left me?: In walks my girlfriend with a shoe box sized gift under her arm. She says it’s a late birthday present. I’m a little embarrassed because I didn’t get her a gift this year. We stopped doing gifts a while ago. All flustered and still a little excited because WHEEEE A PRESENT I told her that she didn’t have to do that. To which she responds, “Oh, don’t worry about it. I got it at St Vincent’s for $1.50.”


And this is what was under the wrapping paper:


Yes, internet loverlies, my friend bought me used vagina exercise equipment.

It even came with an instruction manual with diagrams, a vagina log so I can track my tightness progress AND…


RUST!!
I know the picture is blurry so you are going to have to trust me. It’s rusty.

In the middle of a crowded bar my very dear friend has presented me with a rusty vagina tool.

But we’re not done yet. Remember the size of the box? Too big to hide in my purse or tuck discreetly under my arm. I swear to you, every woman in the bar that walked past our table stopped and said, “I’m doing mine right now” and I believed them.

It was without a doubt the best present I have ever gotten.

While trying to find the SATC clip I referred to earlier, I stumbled across this:

You’re welcome.

***Update
Upon noticing the box, Thing1 informed me that I am much too old for Kegels to be of any use.
Anyone looking to buy a Thing? 12 years of programming complete. Cleans bathrooms and mows the lawn with minimal nagging. Teen Attitude built in.

18 comments:

Rachel said...

I just died laughing.

Thank you. ;-)

Student Teacher said...

That is funny but I want to hear the keagel song.

SP said...

What's the keagel song?

Steph said...

Not only did I throw up a little in my mouth, but I almost peed my pants. With the kegel exercises and all, I am a bodily function disaster!

Thank god I did not read this while working.

Loving your blog said...

That is quite hilarious!

Student Teacher said...

At the end of the video the vulva puppet says, or I thought she said, "Now we can do it along with the song." Something like that.

SP said...

We definitely need the song. And Steph needs a diaper.

A Mom Two Boys said...

OMG...I had to come over and see what the "important rust" picture was...but I did NOT expect this.

That's damn funny. And entirely disgusting.

Cassie said...

LMAO. Used AND rusty vagina exercise equipment...I must say that IS the best present ever! HAHA.

zarafa said...

what i want to know is where does one find a vagina puppet?

anymommy said...

Hilarious. And I am definitely doing kegels at my computer now.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle.

http://tinyurl.com/6rc8fx

Lunasea said...

Is it just me, or does that thing look really big? I guess it's for those who really, really need to do their kegels?

SP said...

Zarafa - If you find a vagina puppet I want pictures!

Kelley said...

friends like that a keepers. Now to plan revenge...

zarafa said...

well... you wanted pictures, you got it. turns out vagina puppets are EXPENSIVE!!

vagina puppets

SP said...

Zarafa, you are AWESOME! Sadly, I cannot afford a vagina puppet. Perhaps someone will buy me a Pussy Purse!

Anonymous said...

Thank u ;-) you should look at this emo boy one at this blog:
http://emo--boys.blogspot.com