Saturday, April 3, 2010

Quit Pissing In My Dating Pool

Do you all remember THIS post? It's the one where I discovered that SM and Buffett had just swapped girlfriends... I spun some crazy in my head for a day or two. You know, the "Are they doing what we did?" or "Am I better at this than she was?" Then I got over it and it was just another novelty story I could tell at cocktail parties (heh, Sassy said cock). Kind of like the one where my H.S. boyfriend broke up with me for a different girl who after 10 minutes of conversation with I liked so much we decided to be roommates our freshman year of college. So for 9 months I got to sleep below my roommate (gotta love dorm bunk-beds) and listen to her screwing my ex-boyfriend. AWESOME. They are married now and have two gorgeous little girls whose pictures are up on my refrigerator.

One more quick trip down memory lane. History is important to this story. Bear with me. Let's refresh your memory of THIS and THAT.

To make a long and boring story short and bizarre...

Exette is dating Roo.

She sent me a Facebook message asking me what I thought of him. Did you notice my amazing psychic abilities? I was talking about both of them in the same post even back then. I should have my own 900 number! Admit it, you'd call.

Holy Mother of Gumby's Uncle! I had to give a dating reference (kind of like a job reference only with less facts and more judgement) for my ex-boyfriend to my ex-husband's ex-girlfriend!!

Are you following all of this? Let me help you:
  • I was dating SM
  • At the same time, Buffett was dating Bunny
  • I started dating Buffett
  • At the same time, SM started dating Bunny
  • I was married to Ex
  • I dated Roo
  • At the same time Ex dated Exette
  • Now Exette and Roo are dating
  • Ex is still living in my basement
Here's a visual:
When did the dating pool get so fucking small and why do other women keep peeing in my pool?

See that one guy at the bottom who isn't connected to anyone but me? I'd like to keep it that way. If we don't work, I might have to kill him.

** Each picture above was chosen with great care and affection. Here's a glimpse at some of my thought processes.

Sassy / Renee Zellweger - I'm told I look like her... A LOT. and she's drinking wine. PERFECT!

Ex / Shrek - Bald? Check. Scares small children? Check. Heart of gold beneath the grumpy onion layers? Double Check.

Exette / Shannon D - Similar looks. Capable of being likable but rumor has it she's demanding and maybe a little bitchy.

Roo / Danny Devito - They're both really short and make me laugh. Meh, it was the best I could come up with.

Tupac / CollegeBasketballGuy - I've been accused of robbing the cradle (He's safely within my age box, I swear!) (ha! Sassy said box) He's tall and skinny but strong and .... YUMMMM!

SM / Steve Martin - Similar looks. Similar body types. Great at acting...

Bunny / Bunny - duh...

Buffett / Buffett - Enough said. And seriously, grow the fuck up already!
* This whole post makes me seem rather whorish - Go Me! I swear I'm not but just so I have this on record: I've been tested and had all my shots. So if you happen to find one of my hand-me-downs and they give you the itchy-stinky. 1) See your doctor immediately. 2) They didn't get it from me!

3 comments:

Stacie's Madness said...

so...um, are you saying that the new guy's blog name is tupac?

it's a crazy crazy small ass world.

soccermom said...

That is freakin insane. What happen to girl code? Where you dont date a friends ex?
That is just wrong, on so many levels.

For The Love Of Moo!!! said...

haha! Ex is Shrek....fitting!