Monday, May 11, 2009

Weekend Wrap-Up

The weekend was good. (And not good, but not good in an OMG, I am now laughing my ass off kind of way)
Friday I had a very bad first date. But when I compared my really bad first date to a friend's really bad first date, He won. I can't even begin to try and top a first date where drunk friends need to be driven to new bars and boobs are popping out uninvited. Just wow. But that's his story and he doesn't have an invitation to Sassy's house. MY date. Oooo, howdy. It was the really blind but not really blind date set-up. And holy shit do I wish I was blind. He was not the big muscled dream I was originally led to believe. He was in fact more round than big. And he was short which didn't help with the round. He had the Hulk Hogan mustache:
AND he tans everyday. So he was a round Hulk Hogan mustached LEATHERY guy. A round HH stached leathery guy who while complimenting me and telling me how beautiful I was and planning our summer vacation schedule was also reminding me how lucky I was to be sitting in front of him at all because he was THE SHIT. It was the money conversation that according to my mother should have secured him a place in my heart for all time and all I really wanted to do was run away. I was not able to run away fast enough though. Before my car door slammed I learned a few things. I learned that he tans in the nude so the only white place on his body is between his butt cheeks. He actually said that exact phrase to me. So I was taken there against my will and now so were you. To really do our time here justice, think about it for a minute. He is leathery EVERYWHERE except for in his crack...
Are you back? Draino poured in your eyes? Good, that might help with the rest because we are so not done yet. I also learned that he is not a tighty whitey nor a boxers man. Oh no. He loves the commando. So now you get to picture his leathery man meat rubbing up against his zipper trying to escape, with no other barrier to protect unsuspecting by-standers. I didn't actually see the leather schlong but what I see in my head is enough to make me want to pour Clorox in my ear and swish it around a bit for good measure. Top it off with the fact that before I got my car door shut he sniper kissed me with a bad bad bad kiss. And I'm trying to dance away from the much too thin zipper covering his leathery sausage. OMG!
Also on Friday I got to hear Thing2, who is 11, say, "And then they ate her out."
I didn't really need clarification to know he meant that entirely innocently and in fact has no idea what the phrase might imply. But still, it was a shock!
Saturday I watched Thing1 in his play. He had the male lead. He was the nerdy good guy who got the girl. He had his first fight scene and on stage kiss. It was so cool!
Sunday was nice. I had time with my Momma and time with my Things. Then I had time to just be Sassy. It was perfect.
And to wrap things up, I have one more funny for you.
I had plans to go over to LocalGuy's house to watch a movie. About 20 minutes before I was supposed to be there, he called me and asked, "Is it OK if I stay in my sweats?" ... boggle ... I really wanted to say "Is it OK if I don't shave my legs?!?!?!" but I didn't because, well, I wasn't sure whether he would be seeing my legs or not, and I had already shaved them. Then I assumed he absolutely must have been kidding. Upon arrive, he was most definitely not kidding. Top it off with the fact that he smelled like a burning barrel and you've got one hell of a good time folks. Astoundingly, I'm looking forward to seeing him again.
Is it Friday yet?
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Stacie's Madness said...

roflmao. OMG, blind date guys sounds like a winner...NOT. lmfao.

ah, thank you for sharing, I have to go clean my eyes out now, will that erase the imagine in my head too?

Bill said...

I don't know how I kept reading, but I'm glad I made it through to Thing 2's comment, which made me laugh out loud.

Round Hulk Hogan seems like a heck of a guy...when are you guys going out again?

SP said...

This whole dating thing is so much better when you can laugh about it. I don't regret going out with Round Hulk Hogan for a second. Priceless! But once is most definitely enough.

Steph said...

Oh dear lord. It has been way too long since I kept up on your dating shenanigans.

I should have known better- where else can I hear about commando untanned crack?

SP said...

It's all for you Steph. All for you!