Friday, March 7, 2008

There's an elephant in the room

There is an elephant in the room.
We both know it’s there. It’s big and huge and loud. You cannot ignore it. Or can you? By ignoring it, you become even more painfully aware of it. I hate this avoidance.

Recently I got all mouthy and told all of cyberspace about how I don’t deal well with bull shit anymore. That is true. About most things. And most people. But there is a place in my life that I’m not being straight up. There is a giant elephant in the room and the only place I’m comfortable saying to this person “Hey, look at that huge ass elephant. Let’s poke it!” is here in virtual space. Considering this is one of the most special and important people in my universe; the abundance of crap-avoidance breaks my heart. At the same time – this is one of the most special and important people in my universe; I don’t want to fuck it up. Oh the conundrum.

To My Hope:
We can talk about everything. We have always been able to do that. We still can. Almost anything… I know you read me so this is no surprise.
I am…
ummm…
I’m seeing someone.
Maybe we didn’t discuss the various someones before because they came and went and… whatever. It would have been great to have you to go through that with me but I can see how that might have felt mucho crappy for you. But I really like This someone. I’d like to talk to you about him. I’d like to tell you about why he makes my heart skip a beat and why he makes me all silly and spacey sometimes. I’d like to tell you about my fears and the teeny tiny dreams I’m starting to let creep in. It’s not like you don’t already know he’s in the picture. It’s just that when we really talk we seem to avoid that whole topic. Avoid it like one avoids looking at a 3 armed hermaphrodite with a hair-lip and a hunched back walking toward them. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe that’s why we haven’t really talked much lately. It takes a lot of energy and concentration to avoid something that big, easier not to go there at all. Why is it that I’m afraid to really share with you about this part of my life? You are so important to me; that’s why. I feel like there are hidden booby traps in this conversation. If I say something too flippantly or with the wrong inflection I’ll trip an explosive device so destructive that there won’t be enough of us to put back together again. Is it worth it? I still don’t know. It kills me that I’m holding back. But I won’t hurt you. I just can’t do it. Talking about my love live in cyberspace takes some of the reality out of it. Speaking about it out loud, well that makes it very real. So, until you ask about the elephant; until you poke it with a stick and laugh with me; I’m going to just keep looking right past it… I hate it but I have to wait for you. Here’s your stick, take your time.

5 comments:

Deb said...

Awesome piece of writing. I've been recognizing that I have a need to say, "Here's your stick, take your time" about something in my life, and you nailed it.

But if a three-armed hermaphrodite were headed my way, I'd ask h/er/m to wrestle. Wouldn't that be a kick?!

SP said...

And that Ms Rox is why we are soul mates!

Hope said...

You are giving me a stick to poke you with? Oh wait...that was for the elephant... Too bad. I would love to poke you... HA HA HA! On a more serious note...

To my K:
The avoidance of that subject was simply ignorance on my part. Not intentional (well, maybe a little) but I just assumed that if there were someone important that made your heart flutter and head spin that you would tell me about him. It is akward for me to bring it up as that wasn't part of our relationship for the last 15 years. I just don't think to ask. Insensitive on my part considering that dating/new relationships is now part of your life. I apologize for that.

As far as you being afraid to tell me something, that is so not you! And so not US! It almost makes me sad to hear that you think our friendship isn't as strong or as real as I thought it was. I am not breakable--and neither are the bonds between us. You can't scare me away, shoo me away, or send me away. You can try, but I am too stubborn to just disappear. Sorry for that, too.

Maybe this reply should've been in a private email, but you opened up to me, and here I am opening up to you. Tell me. I am excited for you and can't wait to hear all of the details.

Love you and miss you with all of my heart.

SP said...

Crying at work makes Sassy feel like a total lame-O. Using the term lame-O confirms that Sassy needs serious help!

Renaissance Woman said...

This relationship is sweet and special. Glad that both of you are so kind to each others heart and spirits! I think the elephant has left the building!