Monday, February 11, 2008

HolyHell is it Friday yet?

By noon on this lovely sunny sub-zero Monday morning I was asking the gods "What the hell?!?!"

I woke up this morning and could see my own breath... from inside my house! The furnace stopped working at some point last night and we arose to temps in the 40's INSIDE. I quickly turned on the oven and opened the door (do not bitch at me you child-safe, outlet covering, CPS calling hosers! I have children who are old enough to know how to use the stove and a dog that had damn well better be smart enough to keep her nose away from the freaking oven) and turned on a couple water faucets (again, no bitching you earth hugging water rationing freaks! It was not running full blast and better that than my pipes bursting).

At this point all I wanted to do was crawl back under my covers where it was somewhat warm. Instead I hauled my frozen ass out of bed and examined Thing2. He had a weird rash and it itched and whine, cry, whine. I told him we'd look at it after school to see if it had spread. My teeth are chattering boy and you want me to worry about a silly little rash?

I called my step-dad who is in fact the one and only SuperMan. Don't settle for imitations people. He made arrangements to meet with the heating people since I had to take Thing1 to get his mouth wired shut.

As I was attempting to hook up the coffee IV I glanced in the mirror... My face should be on a Clearasil comercial... the before part. What the hell?!?!? I outgrew this kind of face-covering breakout years ago. Today you can call me lumpy. Even if my makeup does mask the redness, these bad boys could knock someone over if I turn my head too fast.

Okay, breathe Sassy. It's not the end of the world. You're regressing to teenagerhood. Maybe the stretch marks will go away too.

ANYWAY, we went from this:

To this:

He's a bit sore but excited. He totally gave me permission to take these pictures but he probably didn't think I was going to blast them all over the internet. Shhh, best we not let that get back to him.

After leaving Thing1 with his dad to get some food and then face ridicule at school I started to haul ass back to work. On the way I called my Step-dad and found out that my furnace was fixed. There was some problem with the ignition thingy. Yeah, whatever... fixed? Mmmmmm HEAT! He also told me that my water-softener was empty and that he ran out and bought 900 bags of salt and filled it for me. Then he said that he placed a large container of my mom's chili in the fridge. That man is my HERO!

I'm thinking that my day is finally turning around. I have heat and salt and chili. Woohoo!

Good Gravy, what now?
Maybe I could just not answer it?
But maybe Ryan Renolds has finally realized that he loves me?

SP: Hello?
Nu: Hello Ms. Pants. This is Nurse IJudgeYou at Thing2 Elementary. I'm calling about Thing2, your son -In case you forgot that a child of this age at this school sprang from your loins- He has a rash.
Nu: What?
SP: Oh nothing, umm, a rash? really?
Nu: He said you knew about it and sent him to school anyway.
Nu: What?
SP: Umm, yes. Yes I did. I knew that. Of course I knew that. I'm an attentive parent and life threatening plagues do not escape my notice.
Nu: He has ffftttss disease
SP: *crickets*
Nu: Did you hear me Ms. Pants? Thing2 has fffttss disease.
SP: WHAT disease? Are you really trained well enough to make a diagnosis like that?
Nu: fffttss disease. A letter went home. It's been in 5 classrooms. He was home with a fever last week, right?
SP: yes but that doesn't mean he's dying. I'll sue your ass lady!
Nu: Please calm down Ms. Pants. Thing2 isn't dying and he isn't even contagious any more. He is just itchy and achy and I think he should go home for the afternoon. Give him some Tylenol and some Benedryl and let him sleep.
SP: OH, of course. That is exactly what should be done for ffffttttsss disease. After all, I'm a good mom. I know these things. I was just testing the school nursing program.
Nu: You should probably watch Thing1
SP: But you said he wasn't contageous any more!!!
Nu: They did live together last week too, right?
SP: Heh, oh yeah. I'll call Ex and have him pick Thing2 up.
Nu: You're not coming? Your child is dying and you are not coming?

I googled it. It's FIFTHS disease and it is kind of like chicken pox. Once you get it you can't get it again. Once the rash shows up it is no longer contagious. It is a virus and there is not a damn thing you can do about it but drug up on benedryl and ibuprofen to fend off the discomfort.

Now someone pour me a glass of jack. I don't give a flying fuck that it's only 12:02 in the afternoon. Pour damnit!

I think this is the gods' way of balancing out my awesome weekend. I got all the materials for new flooring for my basement and I haven't started the project yet which means I'm still excited and optimistic. I also spent a good portion of the weekend with a fantastic person. A fantastic person I have yet to mention. I've been holding out on you. Don't be mad. I'm afraid I'll jinx it!

So, all this crap today? Totally worth it!


XUP said...

Hey - what the hell... there were no references whatsoever to genitalia in this blog post!! I don't come here to read about zits, rashes and domestic blague, you know. Sheesh.

Steph said...

I'd better not be the "earth hugging water rationing freak" that you were referring to, because I will not hesitate to come up there and kick your ass. Jeesh. Resorting to name calling now?

By the way, I'd have lit the couch on fire for warmth if that happened to me, so I imagine that your way was probably better in the end.

SP said...

Sorry to disappoint you XUP. I'll try not to let it happen again.

Steph, of course you are an "earth hugging water rationing freak" but I love you for it.

hangel said...

If you had put the kids in the oven, they would've been warmer...and maybe burned the rash off...and eliminated the need for expensive teeth metal!