What-Not

Kittens. Sweet smooshy fluffy purr-y Kittens

A cat decided to make the space underneath one of my windows a maternity ward. And there she had 4 of the most precious little furries you ever did see. I however am not in the market for a cat, much less four of them. So, I contacted my vet who takes in stray cats and made sure they had room. The kittens were very social and crawling all over the Things at every opportunity. The Momma was another story however. She was hissing and Ffftttsss-ing (sound it out, you'll know what I mean) any time someone came within 5 feet of her. How the heck do you catch a cat like that? Alas, I did not have to. She left. I took the kittens in to the vet. They were all in their new homes within 2 days. But then the Momma came back! She has been crying outside my house every night for a week now.

To-Do List

I have a rather long to-do list and it seems I'm going to have some unanticipated spare time to work on it. I was laid off last week. Surprisingly, I am NOT freaking the hell out. I know that I should be, but I'm not. I've got resumes out already and for the moment I'm enjoying my severance and working on some projects around the house. I've done a major "spring" cleaning, and weeded my flower beds. By the end of the week I should have Thing1's room complete which includes painting and putting in new flooring. Next week I will do Thing2's room. But then what? I need more projects. I could tear down a couple of walls and put in a dance floor complete and a spinning disco ball. Or I could get a job. Yeah, that might be for the best.

Cheaper by the half dozen?

Last weekend SM and I took our herd of children to a beautiful county park for a picnic and some hiking/rock climbing/cave exploring. It was FANTASTIC. I have to admit that the more time I spend with the entire crew together, the more I miss it when we are all apart. Between the two of us, we have SIX children. It's a bit chaotic. It's a lot loud. And it just feels right.

And on that note, I have completely fallen in love with Photoshop. With it I was able to turn a photo that would have otherwise bordered on child porn into a fantastic action shot from our weekend. I have been telling Thing2 that he MUST wear a belt for years now. However, he seems to think I am a drooling loon and have no idea of that which I speak. Thus, his southern smile is flashing the world on a somewhat regular basis. But thanks to the wonders of photo technology, Tyra Banks can turn otherwise horse-faced young ladies into models and I can post a picture of my son without getting arrested.

Happy Tuesday My Loverlies!

Holding on to Hope

This guest post is by MyHope. I've mentioned her many times here. She's my Ex-SIL and I love her with the love of great big giant water balloons of love. So when I drop them they will splash all over you. You can't help but get hit by them and love her too.

Anyhoo, she needed some anonymity for a post and I offered up my home. She needs some outside the family feedback from people who have done the mom thing and can give her some support and hopefully from some people who have been where she is right now.

I have a son. He is almost two and a pain in the ass. I love him. So much it makes my heart hurt. And although that sounds so cliche, it is true.

I have always wanted a big family. Growing up with siblings was wonderful. I can't imagine it any other way. I want the same thing for my son. I used to think that I wanted five to seven kids. After I had one, I got realistic and decided three would be my golden number. I had a girlfriend tell me that I better get pregnant again before my son turned two--or he would be so awful that I wouldn't want any more kids. I laughed at that, but thought about the age difference that I would like between kids. There were three years between my older brother and I. I enjoyed the age difference growing up, but looking at my nephews that were not quite two years apart, I started thinking that was good.

So, when my son was just over one year old, we started trying to get pregnant. I stopped my birth control in October of 2007. Now eight months and three rounds of Clomid later, still no pregnancy.

As a woman with fertility issues, you feel "broken". You are supposed to be able to conceive. Have children. It is as natural as things get. When something is wrong, you feel like you are unnatural. It is a hard thing to explain. Each month you calculate your cycle...time everything just perfectly and each month you get a negative pregnancy test. It is heart wrenching. Suddenly getting pregnant is all you can think about. It consumes your life, your emotions, your everything.

In a moment of clarity (brought about by a tall vanilla vodka and Diet Coke after yet another pregnancy test came back negative) I realized I was letting my obsession with the thought of a future child cloud my interaction and my happiness with my son. My depression from the fertility issues and the moodiness and anger from the Clomid was making things very difficult. It was not a good place for any of us to be.

Then I realized that I should be happy that getting pregnant with my son was not a big ordeal. That it happened relatively quickly. That he is happy and healthy. I am grateful for that. I need to remember that if there are no siblings for him, that it is okay. That we are okay. That I am okay.

Now if I can convince my heart of what my head says is logical, we will be great.

HELP

I use blogger.
I would like to "require" emails for comments. Emails that would be available to me so that I can respond to people but not published for public consumption.


I know some of you have it. I want it. Give up the goods people. What do I have to do? I'm willing to pay in the form of boob pictures, sex ed videos or perhaps a vagina purse for some informational loving here.

Projectile Poo

I just read THIS post by the fabulous Swistle and it made me wince. Poor little H. Enry. And it reminded me of the one horrific constipation event I had with one of the Things. I won't say which Thing. That way should one of their friends read this and start teasing them, they can freely say "It wasn't me, it was the other Thing. Hahahaha..."

Short story, I promise! You don't want to spend your morning reading about Poo. I know. Or maybe you do. In which case... ummm... go get your giggles elsewhere. freak.

So the Thing was ummm... clogged. And the pediatrician recommended glycerin suppositories. No other instructions were given. I talked with the pharmacist. He said to be sure to remove the foil. I wish I could say "no shit Sherlock" but I worked as a pharmacy tech for years and have first hand knowledge of how often people need this extra instruction step. That was it. I had no other guidance. There should have been Other. Guidance.

So, with suppositories in hand and a naked baby in front of me, I slowly and gently did what the box said to do. And in less than 5 seconds that suppository shot, missile like, out of his butt along with the clogged matter Clear Across The Room.

SPLAT!

And for the first time in days, he stopped crying and started to laugh.

Parenting is NOT for the weak.

Have you seen this?

Describe me in ONE WORD...just one word! Send it to me only, then send this message to your friends and see how many strange things people say about you! This could be fun! Just hit reply and send me my one word back. Then forward this message on to your friends (including me) and see what they say about you!

It's a fun little email game where you get to learn a little bit about what others think of you.
Well apparently others think I'm a laxative.
Gentle - Soothing - Reliable - Dependable - Effective

Actually, I have been very surprised by 90% of the responses. In addition to the lovely words above, I've gotten words like: Devoted, Peaceful, Tranquil, Faithful, Diligent, Patient, Tireless, Constant, Trustworthy, Serene, and Reassuring.

I guess I see myself as much more assertive and outgoing and … I don't know… ZIPPY than most of those words imply. In fact if those words are all there is to me, I think I sound like the best night sleep ever. I'm not complaining. I genuinely hope that people see all of those things in me. Perhaps I could be all of those with a splash of PIZZAZZ.
PIZZAZZ is good…
Unless you're a laxative.

Honk Honk

Warning, I'm not work safe today... (as if that is out of the ordinary, I know. but really. NOT. SAFE.

Last night, while our frozen pizza was cooking, SM and I opened a really good bottle of wine and watched a sex-ed video. We’re classy, I know. It was a cartoon designed for small children that explained all the “insert part A into part B” stuff that can often make parents blush and stutter. However, in its attempt to be accurate and informational, it compared the hot build up of sex to a tickling sensation. AND it compared an orgasm to sneezing after your nose has been tingling for a few minutes. And all I could think of was “these people must be doing something wrong!” or at least I thought that for about 2 seconds until I was engrossed in the next burst of visual soft-porn delight. Seriously, I could not look away!

You think I exaggerate with the intense awesomeness of this video. Oh. No. There is no way I could make this any worse (or better) than it actually was. Why you ask? Because of the Duck of course! Yes, you did not read that wrong. It was a duck.

D - U - C - K

I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.











Are you ready?




This is a recreation but the large ballish-ness of the hooters and the bug-eyed closeness of the duck are both accurate.

SM asked when Duckie was going to open his beak and honk those things.
I was mesmerized.
So was Duckie.

Duckie even got a close up view of the woman’s hooha! And you know what we thought then? Well of course you know! And it’s wrong I tell you. Simply Wrong!

And finally, the best part of this video I only discovered a few minutes ago. Google, I love you!
It was narrated by Howie Mandel.

His nose has a beak-like quality, don’t you think?

P.S. I have every intention of forcing Thing1 to watch this movie just so I can see him squirm. Tell me I’m too old for Kegels to be of any use? I’ll show you, you lil monster!

And in case you NEED this video to educate your children (or to spice up your sex life), Clicky Clicky.

Fan Fare Please

Today I'm going to tell you how important I am.

I was featured (translation- I sent them a link saying "I'm funny, please pimp me out" and out of mercy and just to make me shut the hell up, THEY DID) on Good Mom / Bad Mom. Go read them. It's some funny shit.


I'm also listed on ALL MEDIOCRE. There are a lot of great blogs listed there. I'm not sure how I got added to the mix but shhhh, we'll just let that be our little secret. Go check them out. Really, it's a great way to spend your day. I'm not paid a decent hourly wage to spend 7.5 hours a day in the blog-o-sphere. I have the best job ever!

Fauve made me do it

The rules:
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning of the post.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves in their post.
3. At the end of the post, the player tags 5 or so people and posts their names, then goes to their blog and leaves a comment, letting them know they've been tagged and to read your blog.
4. Let the person who tagged you know when you've posted your answer.

Questions:
1. What was I doing 10 years ago?
Filing for bankruptcy. Preparing for Ex to quit his job and attempt to start his own computer business. (it was a bad time for good financial decisions. We didn’t make any) Chasing around cute, cuddley cherub like things (as opposed to arguing with tall, gangly, almost teenager type things).

2. What are 5 things on my list to do today?
- laundry
- install mostly legal copy of software I’ve been coveting.
- Mow lawn (just because it’s on the list doesn’t mean I actually intend to do it)
- Eat the last of the left over lasagna
- Drink the last of the Amaretto sours (envy my productivity skillz)

3. Snacks I enjoy:
- Chocolate.
- Fresh veggies if someone else has cut and prepared them for me.
- Naaaachooooos.

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
- Pay off all of my debt, including all the debt that went to Ex in the divorce.
- Build my dream house, which really isn’t so much a big fancy house as a regular house with all the little things that make me happy, like a big wrap around front porch and picture windows in the living room.
- Set aside $$$ for the Things for college and a boost when the go out on their own.
- Pay off all of SM’s debt and buy him the best vicious-cut-throat attorney available.
- Top notch “sisters” weekend with MyHope in Europe for MAJOR shopping and spa treatments and shopping and more shopping. Did I mention the shopping?
- Vacation in Greece with SM.

5. Three of my bad habits:
- I think I have to claim this one even though I stopped. I was a smoker. Then I was a “drinking smoker.” Now I’m an ex-smoker who falls off the band wagon every once in a while.
- I’m a little dictatorial with the Things. Some people say this is a good habit, some say it is bad. It works for us. This stems from being a lot anal retentive (which is probably the real bad habit here) and a need to not be out of control
- I apologize too much.

6. Five places I have lived:
- Phoenix, AZ
- Tucson, AZ
- Glendale, AZ
- Cowtown, WI
- Suburbia, WI

7. Five jobs I've had:
- Carpet cleaner
- Grocery Bagger
- Pharmacy Technician
- Burger flipper (for 4 days but I quit because I couldn’t stand the smell)
- Sales, Administration

8. How did you name your blog?
SalsaM kept telling calling me that. It seemed to fit me without labeling what kind of blog I had to write. I’m a mom but I’m not always a mommy blogger. I think I’m funny but I’m not a qualified enough to be a humor blog. And I got to post cute pictures of women’s butts. See, it’s win win.

And I shall tag:
All my lurkers.
(No that’s not cheating. You! Yes You! I tag you! Now you must leave me a comment saying you answered my MeMe and then I'll visit your blog (if you have one) and we can get to know one another.)

Thank you for tagging me Miss Fauve.

L368

Last night I noticed some little blue pills on SM's night stand. They were not in a bottle which seemed odd to me. Why not have them in the bottle unless you didn't want someone (translation- the girlfriend) to know what the bottle said? They were BLUE pills. On his NIGHTSTAND, right by the BED.

Do you know where my mind headed? If you don't then you are not an estrogen saturated female. Fact. My mind went straight to: What's wrong with me?!?!?! I'm fat!!! My thighs! He takes one look at my thighs and NOODLECITY!! Weeping, Crying, Gnashing of Teeth!!!

So, being the completely logical and normal (translation - utterly paranoid and in need of psycho therapy) person that I am, I wrote down the little number on the pill before leaving his place, determined to google it the very second I got home.

I was completely prepared to see something like this:

Don't you just luv the little man with the obvious woody? MrNoWood should be sent to the island of smokers and kids who ride their skateboard outside strip malls. MrWoody, he's ok. He is welcome here. He makes me smile. (remember above, in need of psycho therapy)

This is what I found.

Yes, I'm going to exit the crazy train now. Will one of you catch me when I jump?

Taking a moment to breathe *updated

I had a line up of posts ready for today. It was going to be a great big Sassy Party all day long to balance out all the Sappy I've been churning out lately. But I got an email this morning from someone that felt like a mule kick to the chest. So today I'll be taking a break to catch my breath instead.

Update: My tough love girlfriend told me to "Get the hell over it already." I knew this was a possibility and in fact probably as inevitable as it completely sucky. So, I'm going to quit being whiney and Suck It Up!
Whew... feeling better already.

My Heart

Two amazing boys growing up in the exact same family and yet so very different. Wonderful in their every difference. This was my love letter to Thing1, two years ago when he started Middle School.




Thing1,
It seems that every time I realize how much you have grown or changed, every time I see you succeed at something new; I think back to your beginning. When I realized I was pregnant, I was so very scared. I doubted that I was ready to be entrusted with such a precious gift, but God knew that we were ready for each other.

The day I first felt your little body move inside me I knew my life would never be the same. Your life, your needs, your growth and development would forever be more important than any of my own needs.

The day you were born I watched your father with tears pouring down his face as he held you for the first time. On that day, not only were you born, but a family was born. On that day, when you couldn’t even hold your head up and could barely open your eyes, you were creating a loving bond between all of us. You were healing hurts and laying the foundation for this fabulous group of goofy people we call family.

The day we found out that you would be a big brother; I couldn’t help but think how very lucky this new little life was… lucky to have you to depend on his entire life. No matter what happens, the two of you will always have each other.

The day you started school, I thought I was prepared. You certainly were. You were proud and brave and so excited for this new adventure in front of you. While I wanted desperately to follow you around and protect you from mean teachers, meaner students and all your play ground bumps and bruises; you walked away from me without a single fear. In truth you have always approached the new phases in your life that way. You are brave and strong. Each beginning is an adventure that you are thrilled to begin.

Your gentle heart and kind spirit was obvious from the very beginning. I have loved watching you grow and change mentally and physically, while that heart has remained constant and true.

In the past year your dad and I have noticed amazing changes in you. You are more mature, more confident, stronger but still just as gentle. It feels like before my very eyes you have begun to transform from a sweet and wonderful young boy into an amazing young man.

While being your mother is still surprising and scary; it is also a tremendous gift. You may not always feel like I’m the nicest mom in the world and you may not always want me to kiss you in front of your friends. That’s ok. When I’m at my meanest is when I’m trying so hard to be the Mom you deserve; the one who loves you enough to guide you away from wrong decisions even if it hurts. I’ll try not to embarrass you too much, but when my heart is bursting with pride it will be difficult to keep from kissing you and hugging you, no matter who is around.

Thing1, I love you more than words can ever express.
Mom

My Sunshine

**** I try to celebrate major mile stones for the Things with a "right of passage" celebration. Thing2 had his last day of elementary school today. Moving up to Middle School is such a big transition in their lives and it marks tremendous emotional and maturity growth. Tonight we celebrate Thing2 with dinner, gifts, a movie and letters from special people in his life. This is my love letter to my son:






“Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own SUNSHINE.”
~Anthony J. D’Angelo

Thing2,
Someone once told me that your first born is your “pride” and your second is your “joy.” I’m not sure that this is completely true because you are always making me so very proud. But, JOY definitely describes what it feels like to be your Mom. You are the fun and the zip and the pizzazz in my life. You are my SUNSHINE.

When you were a baby you were all smiles and happiness. Nothing upset you. You were so easy going and content. Your laugh was contagious. Everywhere we went people stopped to say what an adorable happy baby you were while they had great big smiles on their faces.

As a toddler you were fearless and adventurous. You tackled your world with a need to conquer it or laugh at it. Whether playing with your toes to entertain yourself in time-out or looking at a picture book all by yourself, I knew that your imagination was already carrying you off to a wonderful world full of fun and adventure.

Starting grade school you were always the life of the party and willing to try anything. Learning was an adventure and you were ready to go. Other kids were drawn to you and the joy that you brought to everything. You made friends so easily and people just wanted to be around you.

Over the years, not a lot has changed. You are still so full of light and life. You are joyful and adventurous. And yet over the years you have changed dramatically. You are no longer that tiny bundle of smiles I hated to put down as a baby. Now you over flow my lap with your long legs and over flow my life with laughter. You are growing up to be such a charismatic and genuine young man. You astound me with your generosity. You amaze me with the depth of your faith.

So many times I have thought about how very different you and I are. Our personalities, the way we look at things or think about things. But what I have come to realize is that you are all the things I have never been brave enough to be. You are wild and carefree and passionate about the world and I am in awe of that. I watch you grow every day in wonder. I can’t help but think “What will he do next?” “What will he experience and conquer in a way I never even dreamed possible?” I love watching the way the world unfolds for you. Being your mother isn’t just about being proud and happy. It’s about getting to see and experience life in new ways through you. You are my SUNSHINE. You bring light to things I never saw before.

As you get older, I hope and pray that I can be the Mom that you need me to be; the Mom that can keep you safe and guide you and still let you soar free.

I love you more than any words can express, my SUNSHINE!
Momma

The intervention has been scheduled

I'm eating macaroni and cheese (with Hot Dogs!) and a chocolate bar for breakfast.

How's your morning?

Tidbits

Blogher hates me. It won’t let me register. BUT it has eaten 2 email addresses and 2 user names. Is this their way of saying I’m not cool enough?

Thing1 had his first kiss… He called me as soon as he was leaving her house to tell me. I’m totally excited and nervous for him. I’m totally scared as hell for me.

Thing2 is graduating from elementary school this week. We are celebrating this weekend with dinner, a movie, a gift and letters written to him by special people in his life. The one from his teacher made me cry. I haven’t written mine yet. Every time I try I get weepy.

SM might be going on my family camping trip with me next weekend. That would mean he has to endure all my aunts and uncles and cousins for 3 days and it would be their first meeting! He is so very brave. I <3 him. Lots.

If I post pictures without faces blurred but I don’t use real names, will the blog still be anonymous? I don’t want my family to find me but I don’t want to hide behind random smilies forever either.

Spent the holiday weekend with SM, his 4 children, SM’s sister, her daughter, SM’s sister’s best friend, and her daughter. 10 of us in a tiny cabin. It was fantastic and I passed the family approval test. YAY!

The best present EVER ***updated

This is the post in which I talk very briefly about Sex and the City and perhaps make you throw up a little in your mouth.

NO MOVIE SPOILERS, I wouldn’t do that to you.

A little background: Do you remember the SATC episode where the girls are at brunch and they are discussing Kegel exercises? Samantha says “I’m doing mine right now.” If you haven’t seen it or just don’t remember, that’s ok. You know that you’ve sat around a table talking about vagina exercises before and during that conversation you gave yourself a squeeze or two just because. Go with that…

Now a little scenery description: I’m sitting at an upscale bar drinking a cosmo and waiting for my girlfriend to join me. The bar is on the roof of a movie theatre. The bar is packed full of women all dressed up and excited to see the SATC movie. There are kitten heels and cleavage everywhere!

And finally, the story which probably isn’t as good as all the build up, or maybe you’ve already left me because there was too much build up. Have you left me?: In walks my girlfriend with a shoe box sized gift under her arm. She says it’s a late birthday present. I’m a little embarrassed because I didn’t get her a gift this year. We stopped doing gifts a while ago. All flustered and still a little excited because WHEEEE A PRESENT I told her that she didn’t have to do that. To which she responds, “Oh, don’t worry about it. I got it at St Vincent’s for $1.50.”


And this is what was under the wrapping paper:


Yes, internet loverlies, my friend bought me used vagina exercise equipment.

It even came with an instruction manual with diagrams, a vagina log so I can track my tightness progress AND…


RUST!!
I know the picture is blurry so you are going to have to trust me. It’s rusty.

In the middle of a crowded bar my very dear friend has presented me with a rusty vagina tool.

But we’re not done yet. Remember the size of the box? Too big to hide in my purse or tuck discreetly under my arm. I swear to you, every woman in the bar that walked past our table stopped and said, “I’m doing mine right now” and I believed them.

It was without a doubt the best present I have ever gotten.

While trying to find the SATC clip I referred to earlier, I stumbled across this:

You’re welcome.

***Update
Upon noticing the box, Thing1 informed me that I am much too old for Kegels to be of any use.
Anyone looking to buy a Thing? 12 years of programming complete. Cleans bathrooms and mows the lawn with minimal nagging. Teen Attitude built in.