Saturday, January 1, 2011

Sassy's New Year Resolutions - OR...

This post is shamelessly stolen from TheFrisky. Amelia's brilliance is followed by my typical full-of-shittery in green itallics. I'm stealing today because umm, she's funnier than I am. Also, hangover, duh.
And because I don't want them to sue me for pilfering their content, let's just turn this into a blatant advertisement. A cyber blow-job, if you will. GO, READ THEM. I found the site via John Devore and now waste hours of every work day there.
Thank you, Frisky!

The top 10 guys I will not date again!
1. The “All Of The Above, But Not Really” Guy: This fella says on his online dating profile that he’s looking for a long-term relationship, but then tells you he’s not actually looking for something serious. It’s a valid point that maybe he’s just not interested in YOU, but regardless, it’s an easily dismantled excuse. Really, I think this guy says he’s interested in a long-term relationship because it widens his pool of potential casual sex partners. False advertising works.
90% of the guys I went out with in 2010 fell into this category, which is of course why I was still qualified to give you the 10 commandments, SassyStyle.

2. The First Date Switcheroo: This guy tries to stick it in your butt the first time you have sex. This is really almost laughable except for the risk of hemorrhoids. Guys, may I suggest you wait until at least date number five? We still might not be into it, but we’ll respect you more.
Sassy version: The guy who is working his adorable little dimples off for sex all night and when you are finally all worked up and ready to reward his sexy persistance he claims to not have a sleeve for his love-muscle.

3. The Bill Itemizer: I am begrudgingly OK with going dutch on a date. These are tough economic times, after all. But the guy who itemizes what each of you ordered on his stupid f**king iPhone calculator and then says “OK, you owe $34.67 and I owe $28.53” deserves a fork in the eye.
I swear to Saul's left nipple, I dated this guy! He was actually flustered because I ate more of the shrimp than him in the combo appetizer.

4. The “Oops, I Have A Baby On The Way” Guy: A girlfriend of mine dated not one, not two, but three dudes who waited until a month into dating to let her know that they had a kid on the way. That’s, like, a within-the-first-30-minutes-of-date-number-one reveal.
No, "Baby on the Way" guys but I did find one that was all "I WANT BABIES, OMG BABIES, WILL YOU WANT TO BE MY BABY MOMMA?" and I think I would have prefered Amelia's guy.

5. The Stuck-On-The-Ex Guy: He’s not over his ex, but he’s keeping you on the back burner. He’s uber-non committal about making future plans and might even be reluctant to bring you to bed because his emotions are all caught up in her. A fellow Frisky staffer told me, “I once went on a second date with a guy and, randomly, his ex-girlfriend passed us by on the sidewalk and he physically tried to hide me behind a pole. It was soooo rude. Seriously, men, don’t put yourself on the market if you’re not ready yet.” Co-sign.
This guy may suck for a real relationship but can make one hell of a friends with benefits. Hot, I tell you! HOT! - Oh wait, this is supposed to be a list of what I won't do again. Damnit!

6. The “You’re Amazing and I Want You to Come Home With Me” Guy: This slick Rick lays on the charm super heavy the first time you meet, and thinks that that’s the key to getting you to go home with him. Know that if you do, you will more than likely NEVER see this bozo again. Which could be a good thing.
This guy is closely related to guy1 and guy2. So close they could be incestuous cousins from Alabama. Or, you know, just the same guy.

7. The One Who Got Away: Yo, he got away. Deal. It’s never gonna be the way it was. Moving on!
Do I have to keep this one on my Not-Do list? Damnit! Okay, okay, fine... FINE!

8. Various Emotional Cripples: See here.
I've dated a few of these and let me tell you, IMO, none of them are half as bad as the Eyeore.

9. The Guy Who’s Not Quite Divorced/Available Yet: He’s been separated from his wife for a year and a half! He lives with his ex-girlfriend, but, he swears, he’s moving out as soon as he has a little extra money! What. Ever. Until their previous ties have been cut (or, in the case of divorce, all the paperwork has been submitted and a legal split is imminent), put ‘em on your “do not date” list.
Ummm... yeah. I'm afraid most guys would put ME in this category.

10. The Super-Insecure Guy Who Maybe Caught On To The Fact That You’re Too Good For Him: This guy keeps asking why you like him, whether you find him attractive and what things specifically drew you to him in the first place. Basically, he is a 14-year-old girl. And when you do answer his questions, he either doesn’t seem satisfied with your answer or wants to know in more detail. You know you’re awesome, why not find a dude who knows he’s awesome as well?


Mel's Way or No Way said...

This made me giggle...but it's sound advice. :)

KittyCat said...

I soooooo HATE the "The Stuck-On-The-Ex Guy".

Great list!