Monday, June 14, 2010

Whiny Bitches*

Since the whining* is starting to increase, I suppose it's time I stop having an IRL life for a few minutes and throw back some shots with my cyber posse.

Let's begin by rubbing one out, fast and furious, for old times' sake...
This is a "MeMe" I've had stuck in my drafts folder for over a year.

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Your Mom! ok, ok, now that I've gotten that out of my system. A Sausage. no, wait. I'm sorry. Please don't go. I realize it's been a long time since we hung out and you've probably grown up while I have remained a 14 year old boy. It's not my fault. Immaturity is a DISEASE people. And really, it is impossible to take this question seriously.

2. Where was your profile picture taken?
On a street corner while soliciting prostitutes and shooting up with draino. But that's only on Facebook. I try to keep it clean for my family. All the rest are straight up crazy, yo!

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
I completely rock the “window licker” level which is about 4 steps below “easy”.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today. What was it about?
Heather. You can blame her for my completely inappropriate post today, not to mention the fact that I'm soiling your day with a post at all. If you would like to share my laugh, go watch Grumpy Old Men again. Burgess Meredith is fucking hilarious - in fact, the extras of him at the end are almost better than the movie!

5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
Midnight. But I'm not going to tell you why. That's private. I don't need the entire world knowing every time I burn through batteries and call out my own name 3 TIMES (Oh yes, I am that good). You might start to think I'm pervy.

6. If you could move somewhere else where would you and why?
This question sucks. b-o-r-i-n-g. But just to prove I can type a paragraph without referencing sex, poop, drugs and booze: I don’t actually want to move anywhere. I like here. BUT, I would like to bend the laws of physics, space, time travel and Mr. Jolly’s Geography class in order to move here and there closer together. Here being the House of Sass, just north of CowTown, WI. There being Holy Fuck Mah Brainz ar melting, AZ.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
... crap. I actually don't think I have. WTF is up with that? This year I'm going to run around the park kissing every hot man I find. I might even kiss a couple not-hot ones. Because after that much running my vision is likely to be blurry just before I have a stroke and pass out.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Ex, he lives in the basement. Hard to beat that one. Outside the house, Marge and Homer live across the street. I also have an imaginary friend who lives a couple blocks over, under the dead maple tree across the street from a pot dealer who moonlights as Father FunDip from St Francis of the Holy SwingSet.

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? With benefits?
Please refer to question 8. And that particular Ex aside (no Heather, we still haven't. And the countdown for him to move out has begun --huzzah!!!), I’ve done the FWB thing before and it’s always emotionally unhealthy for at least one person. The sex may be great but someone is getting screwed and not in the good way.

10. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
If nothing else, it cuts down on the amount of batteries in land fills around the world. And I'm nothing if not environmentally conscious. I have a bumper sticker on my Hemi that says: SAVE THE PLANET - GO GREEN BETWEEN THE SHEETS!

11. Are you a bad influence?
I wouldn't be very much fun if I weren't. For example, I’m currently teaching J2 how to be a competent alcoholic without all the fluffy girly drinks. She’s a fast learner.

12. What does the last text message in your inbox say? “I could beat her up, make her fugly and undatable. I think I still have my brass knuckles from Halloween last year” – Ah, the devotion of some friends is simply amazing... and scary.

13. How do you feel about your life right now?
No bull shit on this one. It's really good.

14. Do you hate anyone?
Nope. I find the very existence of some people offensive but still, no hate. Hate takes too damn much work and I'm lazy as hell.

15. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
How long does draino stay in your system? OF COURSE.

16. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes and it was always someone who was trying to get into my pants. Funny thing is I think imperfect is so much more fun and sexy.

* This post is dedicated to Heather and Stacie -2 giant pains in my dimpled ass! Big wet slobbery kisses to you both.

3 comments:

Stacie's Madness said...

it's about fucking time, and I must say for you to keep this shit from us...to keep us out here in blogland without this fun information about you...it's a TRAVESTY. for realz.

For The Love Of Moo!!! said...

um....I have recently discovered the 2 Liter "boot" at the Essen Haus...proud yet?

SoccerMom said...

That is some funny shit!