Friday, July 31, 2009

Some things I think I'm ready to talk about...

I broke my bed.
Yes, you read that right. I broke my bed. I was ummm.. entertaining myself. And BOOM, a corner of my bed fell down. Mood kill? No freaking way. My mood kill happened later but that's another story. The point here is that while trying to get to my grand climax I broke my mother fucking bed people!
The benefit of having a roommate? He only laughed a little while drilling into my bedposts at 11pm at night. Seriously, EX is a mother fucking saint! And for the record, his current girlfriend who I absolutely adore is a mother so that statement rings true on so many levels.

Really hot mammogram technicians should either be outlawed or required by law to hit on you!
Seriously, she was hot. And cute in a really hot way. I felt like a dirty old lady each time she adjusted me and I wanted to beg her to do it again. No fooling. Yes, I need help. I'm ok with that.

What the FUCK is with the deodorant wipes?
So, I had a mammogram and one of the things they ask you is whether or not you have deodorant on. Now, as embarrassing as this is, I actually paused and thought about this. Whaaa? I know! I put deodorant on every day but still, I was out of my element enough that when she asked me that question I had to stop and think about it. So, a warning to all of you that have never had a boob squish, they will ask you. Don't pause, just say yes. Anyhoo, at that point she showed me the handiwipe thingies to clean it off. They were exactly like the handiwipes you get when you eat ribs. They smelled like rubbing alcohol and baby powder. What the hell? And then she explained that they had deodorant for me for after the boob squishing. At this point she pointed to a pretty crystal dish that held little packets that looked exactly like the aforementioned handiwipes, or like the dish of condoms that sat in on the desk of my high school office secretary. Not that I ever dug into that dish myself. lalala... So, after the boob adjusting was complete I opened up the little package and it was exactly like the previous wipe. Now it might have had some magic odor squashing properties that I was not aware of but still, it smelled like alcohol and baby powder. I have my doubts. Seriously.

Nipple rings can cause scar tissue
I'm back to the mammogram. Bear with me people, it was an adventurous day. When the cute/hot mammogram tech asked me if I had ever had any surgery or damage caused to my lady lumps I felt compelled to tell her about my brief foray into non-mainstream piercings. For the record, they were motherfuckingawesome!!!! And for the same record, if you have lovely lady lumps that protrude enough to get your barbells caught on the refrigerator door when you swing it closed with some gusto, they are not motherfuckingwesome enough to keep. Anyway, the cute/hot mammogram tech explained to me that this might have caused problematic scar tissue and spent the next 47.9 seconds fondling my nipple (OMG... melt... hot... wet... omg!!!!). And for the final record, I have no scar tissue in my nipples.

I'm pretty sure the HOT HOT HAWT UPS guy was hitting on me today
I won't explain the story because you don't know where I work so you won't get it but still, I'm pretty positive he was actually hitting on me! Of course, the homeless guy handing out newspapers in front of Walgreens also told me my tits looked good in my shirt so you know, I should probably take it all with a grain of salt. Perhaps it was the universe throwing me a fucking bone after the craptastic crapfest of late. I'll take it. Nice Tits and all. I am however hoping that the HOT HOT HAWT UPS guy follows through on his promise.

That is all... for now.


Stacie's Madness said...

lmao....and lmao.
I love your posts and thought processes!

Blondie said...

I found your blog from Stacie's Madness. Holy Shit you are funny! Thanks for the heads up about the mamo because never had one done but will soon. That's gonna be fun because unlike your lucky ass mine are fake. Oh well. Have a great weekend.