Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Sometimes I have my head so far up my ass that all I can see is neck

My car took off without me. I couldn't make it slow down or stop. I had to steer it with my cell phone while watching from the top of a really high building. It was like trying to drive a remote control car only this was a real car doing real damage to a real neighborhood because I'm a douche who didn't play enough video games with her kids and suck at remote cell phone driving.

Then I sat bolt upright in bed...
Of course you knew that it was a dream. My cell phone is not that cool. However, it should be noted that this dream was definitely trying to tell me something.

I could not get into my car. I could not find my keys. I had to call my boss and tell her that I wasn't going to make it in because duh, no car. Not wanting her to think I'm a complete fucktard, what with the whole no keys thing, I told her that my baby had the swine flu.

Then I sat bolt upright in bed...
Again, another bizarre dream caused by my subconcious processing things. Yes, I know that you really don't want to hear about other people's dreams. BORING. But there was a point to those. They definitely had meaning. That meaning was exactly this:
I am fucking brilliant < / end sarcasm >

So, what was all the twilight zone shit about? My car of course. And my keys. And it running without me. See, I'm not as deep and mysterious as you originally thought, am I?

Each morning I drive from the burbs to the outskirts of Madison and leave my car at a ParkNRide while I bus into work. After work, my mom and I carpool out of town back to my car. It works out beautifully. Yesterday, while driving out, I could not find my keys in my bag. Digging around in the bottomless pit I did find 2 fingernail files, a chocolate kiss, a precious colored picture from one of the triplets and an Advil. Nope, no keys. Assuming that I left them on my desk at work, I asked my Mom to just take me home. I'd grab my extra key at the house and ride in with her the next morning. Then I promptly thought nothing more about it.

Cue dramatic music building... The entire house is quietly sleeping... The dreams begin...

The first time I woke up, I remembered that the ParkNRide has signs everywhere saying that you cannot park there over night. Did those signs say my car would be towed?!?!?! If not, how much would the ticket set me back?

The second time I woke up, I remembered that I did not unlock the office door in the morning as I was not the first one there. My keys would never have left my bag. Crap, I left them In. The. Car!

The third time I woke up, which really was the last time I woke up since who the hell could sleep after all this, I remembered that when I got out of my car the auto lock button didn't work. I pushed it twice and still the little knobby dooby did not go down. So I did the brilliant thing and Pushed. It. Down.

All right class, what should Sassy have known immediately when the lock didn't go down? What should Sassy have heard as she walked past the hood of her car to the bus? What were her dreams telling her?

Oh yes. Yes, I did. I cannot make this shit up people.

I left my keys in the car, with it running, locked the door manually because the freaking button wouldn't work (damn safety precautions so you don't do something stupid like lock your keys in a running car!) and walked away - walked right past the engine with the rumble and the noise of the CARISRUNNING sort. This morning I found my car had not been towed. It was not ticketed. It also did not have one single drop of gas in it. Luckily, I was pretty much coasting on fumes anyway but still. Jesus Herbert Chrism, Sassy. Pull your head out of your ass and pay attention.

6 comments:

MyHope said...

That is an awesome story. Jim walked out and started his car to cool it down (since we live on the surface of the sun) and came back into grab one of the kids. He then proceeded to start to look for his keys!

Stacie's Madness said...

ROFLMFAO...OMG THIS IS THE FUNNIEST thing. I thought, ha she left them in the ignition, but the fact that you didn't.even.shut.the.car.off.

never saw that coming...omg. that is the BEST.

SP said...

Blonde through and through. But I swear, I am not normally like this!

Ev said...

But that's the kind of awesome dumbness that your whole family will enjoy for years to illustrate whatever point they were to make about you. "Sassy is so dumb that..." or "Sassy is such a distracted genius that..."

Congratulations. You are now a prop in your own life's story.

Carissa(GoodNCrazy) said...

ARE YOU SURE? LIke I really can't believe you.. running.. as in RUNNING???

Long day huh? and oh my gosh so sorry about your family loss! Wow, girl you need a break, like go on a cruise kind of break yes??

SP said...

That is exactly the kind of break I need. Alas, life has a way of making those breaks not altogether possible.

Still, a break in the form of a sleeping puppy in my lap and a good book was a world of help too.