Tuesday, June 23, 2009

He called my bluff

What to do when your "What if" guy offers up an answer to that question:

For the record, pretending you did not hear him will not work. He will simply repeat himself, louder and with an attempted demonstration. We are not the same people we once were though. We've had relationships and marriages and children. We've grown up. (Well he has, I'm still a hormone saturated 15 year old boy at heart, but that's beside the point) Make no mistake, I still think this man is damn hot. Hot Hot Hot. At 38 he is still tall and muscled and has the bluest eyes I have ever seen. He gives hugs that you just melt into and his sweet smile can bring you to your knees. Before I had even left the house for my little reunion adventure, MyHope asked if anything might happen and I confidently responded No. I was (and still am) content with the curious "what if" musing that allows you to remember sweetly through the rose colored film of time gone by. I guess it's not a real "what if" because the longings aren't really there. Just the warm fuzzy memories.

After he came to terms with the fact that he was not going to be getting a little slap and tickle, we found ourselves perched on a wall over looking the city below us. It's an amazing site you can only experience in a place like Arizona with it's vast city nestled in the valley beneath towering mountains. The stars danced above us so bright and the city was a silent masterpiece of lights below. In the quiet, he wrapped his arms around me and I snuggled into the embrace of one of my oldest friends.

We talked about our kids and our hopes and fears. We talked about our exes and our hopes and frustrations. We talked about our parents and the terror of watching them grow old. We talked about SexyMan. I attempted to explain to my dear friend the odd situation I find myself in. SM and I split up. But we are friends and still see each other. The emotions and the chemistry (dear holy hell the chemistry) are still there for the both of us. So, we are at a point where we are... we are... well, I have no idea what we other than we aren't NOT. Or are we? I'm not really sure. It is impossible to explain what we are and are not. Impossible because the words just don't seem adequate. Impossible because we haven't figured it out yet.

As my explanation wound down, my dear dear friend asked me a question that only a dear dear friend can ask. "But don't you feel pathetic?" --- Ooof!

After spending some time today thinking about that, that answer is yes and no. I have laid myself completely bare. It's a terrifying thing to be so vulnerable and emotionally naked. SM is in a position to utterly crush me. And yet, I'm trusting him and waiting. I don't want to feel pathetic. I cannot just give up and walk away because I'm afraid. But I am afraid.


Stacie's Madness said...

omg. *knocks you upside the head*
you are hopeful

and just because you feel like you are standing there with your heart open wide, willing to let it get hurt is fucking beautiful...and if he does decide that he can't get unconfused about the two of you...then at least you tried and found that putting yourself out there while maybe be painful it is NECESSARY in finding your true love.


this post is beautiful.

Stacie's Madness said...




Anonymous said...

Do you have any idea how brave you are? Do you realize how rare it is for someone to put themselves on the line and "wait" or "fight" for a relationship anymore?

He is a lucky man that you love him. Hopefully he's a smart lucky man and realizes what a treasure you are.

And if he isn't smart, let me know. I'd be happy as hell to have you look at me that way. Or to help you ease the pain with some damn good slap and tickle

Garry said...

Amazing! Thats what you are. I hope he figures out what he is letting slip through his fingers.

SP said...

You guys are great. Thank you so much!