Monday, March 30, 2009

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, back when the roads to school up went up hill in the snow both ways... ok, maybe not that far back back far enough that I was old enough to know better but young enough to not give a shit... yeah, that far. Anyway, about a decade ago (yes, I'm that old, shaddup) I went through a period of time that I fondly think of as TheSnotMonths. I had a raging sinus infection that would not be scared off by silly little doctors and their silly little pills. Finally, I went to The Great Wizard of EarNoseNGagReflexes. He stuck his magic wand deep into my nasal cavaty and proclaimed "Lo ye have green goo and that is not good" to which I said "No shit, yo!" Then The All Powerful Wizard of Boogars sayeth "It seems that we must needeth to open up these passage ways. We can carve them out with swords and daggers and oh it will be so much fun with the cutting and the bruising and the blood and the tampons shoved up your nose gauze and oh goody the money i will make i can buy me a new castle in the country and dragon and... but WAIT! there might be another way. If we were to allow water to gently woosh through the caverns, ye shall be cleansed." And so The Mighty Wizzard of Snot gave me a quest. My quest was to find a 60 day supply of super-duper-atomic-blow-the-shit-out-of-my-immune-system drugs oh glorious drugs magic beans and a genie lamp to wash the goo away. - - -

I'm here to tell y'all that those pills and that nasal rinse thing saved Ex's life. Because if I didn't get some healing soon, someone was going to have to die and he was closest.

Good story right? Well not only was that a good story but I also have a point. I know, such crazy talk. Anyway, my point is this: A hell of lot has changed in 10 years (and I'm not just talking about my saggy boobs and hairy chin). A week ago I was infected with a disease so nasty and so green-gooey-snoterous that I crawled into my bed and told my children to dig in the neighbor's trash if they wanted to eat. I was DYYYIINNNGGG!!!!! But then I remembered the water flushy thingy from days of ol' and I hauled my sniffley ass down to Walgreens to get me some some of that. What I discovered there was that gently rinsing the slime out of your sinus was way old school, yo. This is the the 21st century and we Flush That Shit Out with gushing waters from squeezy bottles.

And so it is with first hand knowledge that I can tell you that if you feel like someone is sucking the snot out of your head with a straw that snot is most definitely connected to your ear drums and your eyeballs.
I may be a dirty girl but I have the cleanest sinus around. Thank You Mr Wizard.
And tonight, I finally feel well enough to have a drink.

Here's to being single again.

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hip chick said...

I've been "single again" and it can be very very nice...and I do love champaigne...or however you spell it. But, there is now way I would ever, every flush my nose out with that stuff. It's way to scary!

Stacie said...

what is with all this single talk...and did that CLEANSING of the nose just wash him right out too?

If yes, then I need me one of those nose/man cleansers.