SexyMan sent me an email* saying that he didn't want us to date any more. First of all, an email? Seriously? Dude, I've had you inside me! I think I deserved more than an email. Second, I was unhappy! I was frustrated! Things were just not right and I knew it. And HE broke up with Me? I was pissed. And so I vented and fumed about how indignant I was and how I did so much and deserved more and ... and ... And I went to bed feeling slighted and angry.
When I woke this morning (at 4fucking30 *boggle*) I was wide awake and refreshed. I was happy and content. I felt good. I popped on a CD and jumped through the shower. I read a little news while drinking my coffee. I danced around my room while getting ready. I danced. Around. My. House. I used to do that all the time. I used to turn up the music and shake it while I did this or that. All. The. Time. Here I was at O'dark:thirty in the morning dancing again. And it felt amazing.
Throughout the day at the office my feeling of freedom and relief continued. In the late afternoon when I turned my head to look out the window, tiny ribbons of water were streaking down the glass. I stared out that window at nothing, thinking about nothing and then everything blurred. The rain was also on the inside, slipping down my cheek. Tears filled with grief and ache.
I am angry that he just ended it without so much as a conversation. I think I deserved to be treated better than that, even in the end, especially in the end. I am relieved that a lot of the stress and drama are over. I am (always have been) OK with being just me and I'm looking forward to that again. I am also hurting. He is a good man who meant a lot to me. I know that at one point not that long ago we were both very much looking forward - together. There were 6 children involved, four of which I am going to miss desperately. Somewhere along the way something changed- for him, for me, in the circumsances around us. There's only so much of that a person can take before it's just too much.
It is definitely time for me to dance again... soon. But for just a little bit, I think I'm going to sit and feel the rain.
*No, the email was not mean or anything bad. It was sweet and honest. But still, an email! OMG!