Tuesday, March 31, 2009

It's Raining

SexyMan sent me an email* saying that he didn't want us to date any more. First of all, an email? Seriously? Dude, I've had you inside me! I think I deserved more than an email. Second, I was unhappy! I was frustrated! Things were just not right and I knew it. And HE broke up with Me? I was pissed. And so I vented and fumed about how indignant I was and how I did so much and deserved more and ... and ... And I went to bed feeling slighted and angry.

When I woke this morning (at 4fucking30 *boggle*) I was wide awake and refreshed. I was happy and content. I felt good. I popped on a CD and jumped through the shower. I read a little news while drinking my coffee. I danced around my room while getting ready. I danced. Around. My. House. I used to do that all the time. I used to turn up the music and shake it while I did this or that. All. The. Time. Here I was at O'dark:thirty in the morning dancing again. And it felt amazing.

Throughout the day at the office my feeling of freedom and relief continued. In the late afternoon when I turned my head to look out the window, tiny ribbons of water were streaking down the glass. I stared out that window at nothing, thinking about nothing and then everything blurred. The rain was also on the inside, slipping down my cheek. Tears filled with grief and ache.

I am angry that he just ended it without so much as a conversation. I think I deserved to be treated better than that, even in the end, especially in the end. I am relieved that a lot of the stress and drama are over. I am (always have been) OK with being just me and I'm looking forward to that again. I am also hurting. He is a good man who meant a lot to me. I know that at one point not that long ago we were both very much looking forward - together. There were 6 children involved, four of which I am going to miss desperately. Somewhere along the way something changed- for him, for me, in the circumsances around us. There's only so much of that a person can take before it's just too much.

It is definitely time for me to dance again... soon. But for just a little bit, I think I'm going to sit and feel the rain.

*No, the email was not mean or anything bad. It was sweet and honest. But still, an email! OMG!
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3 comments:

Stacie's Madness said...

*hugs*
I think I go through those phases too, just pure emotion, joy, excitement, but sometimes, the ugh of it all gets to me too.

one day, someday soon, we both will dance and not look back at woulda/coulda/shouldas...yep, that is my prediction, now it better come true dammit. and soon.

Blade said...

I've got a whiskey and diet or 7 with your name on it hun. Just convince the weather to get warmer so sitting outside is more pleasant would ya? :P

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Hi, first time here, so I happened upon an unfortunate moment in your life. Just want to say, "been there, been dumped." My heart goes out to you.