Thursday, November 20, 2008

Boys are Icky

It's been one moment of hilarity after another at The House of Sass this week. I can't share them all because some just don't translate to the written word very well. Plus the authorities frown on posting pictures of children in their underwear. However, it should be noted that when a Thing pulls his boxers up to his chin and parades around the living room like a $2 whore (or a runway model, I can never tell them apart) it is ALWAYS funny.
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So here are two moments of disturbing and scary icky boy funny:
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We were sitting at the kitchen table playing a game while eating dinner when the Thing1 needed to pass gas. Rather than excuse himself and walk down the hall like I have been asking them to do since they were out of Pampers, he leans to the side skillfully aiming his horn at his brother while exclaiming "Fire in the hole!" I was horrified. Now, let me make something very clear. I was not horrified that he farts or that he felt the need to make a grand statement about it. I was not shocked that he aimed it at his brother. I've been mothering these particular Things for 13 years now and I know better than to be knocked off my throne by such everyday occurances. Boys are icky. However, what appalled me was that he let a juicy one rip at my kitchen table while I was trying to eat! They are boys and they are icky but I do try to instill some form of manners. As I was trying not to laugh while scold him for his bad behavior we got sidetracked. Somehow we ended up discussing the odiferousness of our emissions and whose are really bad. That spring boarded into what you can do about it when a particularly rank one is let loose. When we finally decided that the conversation just had to stop because OMG how did we sink to such a level? we were conversing about plugging their father's farter with a finger. I don't know how we got there but I think the mental image hit us all at the same time.
STOP. DEAR. LORD. STOP.
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I'll give you a minute to get past the uncomfortable feelings in your tummy.
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Better? Good. I know that was awkward. I hope we can still be friends. Of course you might want to wait on answering that until you've heard about the other moment of insane nastyness.
Have you seen Clean My House? It's a classic trainwreck reality TV show that is both offensive and delightful in equal measure. The boys had this on while eating breakfast the other morning when they cut to a clip of a used condom on the floor of someone's bedroom. Yes, the homes are that nasty. Since I had not yet ingested a pot of coffee my mind wasn't moving as quickly as it should have. Before I could throw out a distracting comment like "So, who wants to eat pizza til they puke tonight?" Thing2 asks "Was that a balloon animal and what makes someone's spit look like that?" Thing1 was snorting with laughter and I was trying to figure out how to be all SuperMom and make this a learning experience. Then I had it, a grand maternal epiphany. I know how to handle this. I know exactly what to say. As I was wrapping my scarf around my neck and bolting for the door I cried out "Ask your father!"
Yes, I am Mom of the Year material and don't you forget it.
Fire In The HOLE!!!!

3 comments:

Stacie said...

muahaha...yes, we have the same nastyness in our house, but my son is only FOUR. Boys are icky.

Stacie said...

oh and to be clear, only the farting, not the used condom nastyness.

MyHope said...

My question is how do they learn so young? My two year old walks aroung saying, "I fart!" with a huge smile on his face like he is proud. Oh dear...