Friday, September 19, 2008

Blowing off some steam

Hi there. How y'all been?

Me? I'm good... fine... hanging in there... OK...

FINE, so I'm not so good. I've been avoiding all of you because I'm not "good" and I don't know how to talk about it because I don't understand why I'm not so good. Nothing is actually wrong.

Succinct? Yes.

I've been going stir crazy. Itchy, antsy, moody and emotional... it's great fun. You should try it.

Nothing out of the ordinary with with SM. But, I've been creating crazy awful things in my head, completely freaking out and being a total nut job. Luckily I've been able to lock up the psycho screaming in my mind whenever he was around. Not sexy. Unfortunately, she's still there screaming.

I've got some great lines out there on jobs. I even have an interview I'm excited about coming up. At the same time I can feel myself sinking into depression. My self-confidence is draining away and that is a terrible place to be for interviews.

The Things are good. They are happy to be back in school. They are active and doing stuff... good stuff. Sadly, as much as I'm proud of them and love being at everything they do, the idea of keeping track of it all (it's really not that much) and chasing them around has me completely overwhelmed.

Ex and I are good. We had a really rough patch not too long ago. Me being the problem, not him, but we talked through it. We are good now. I mean really good. People who know the story have a hard time believing that but it's true. He is my best friend. We talk to each other all day long. We try to keep each other's crazy at bay. That rough patch though has me on edge. What if I had lost my friend? What if he had not forgiven me? He certainly didn't have to. It was one of those situations where ANYONE would have understood if he never spoke to me again. And now I'm left with the uneasy feeling of how fragile relationships are.

So, the long and the short of it is that I have been freaking the hell out lately, but all the freak out has been in my head. I've been a ball of great big snotty tears. A little over two years ago, MyHope was taking a break from sanity (which was completely warranted - pregnant crazy is always justifiable). Her wonderful amazing husband recognized it and flew me out to AZ to spend some time with her (and probably give him a chance to run away from the nutzo woman).

That's what I need. While I don't have the resources to buy a plane ticket and fly off to HellWithShopping (Phoenix), I do have other options. So, for the weekend, I'm escaping to Chicago to be with the the indescribable and totally perfect Steph! Today I get to play in the city by myself and then the rest of the weekend seems to be filled with fun fun fun. Exactly what I need. There is no reality here. No job search, No SM, No Things... just play time. Hopefully by the time that I return, so will my sanity.

I'll fill you in on some good stories next week. At least I'm assuming there will be good stories. This crowd seems to know how to party. Most of the stories will probably be about me drinking too much and falling down and them laughing.

I already fell down her stairs once this morning. True story.


Renaissance Woman said...

I'm so sorry that you have beening having such a rough time. I think that you have stopped smoking, so that probably hasn't helped with the panic and depression. I think that giving up something that has brought such comfort is good in the long run, but can cause chaos right now.

I hope you have a great time in Chicago and can't wait to hear great stories.

Stacie said...

have a great time in Chicago...hope that helps you get out of the funk.

It is suppose to be BEAUTIFUL out! Enjoy!

Rachel said...

I'm sorry darlin'.
big hugs. I hope the trip is wonderful and refreshing for you.