Thursday, September 25, 2008

BACK AWAY from the crazy lady

I'm BACK from Chicago. I had a wonderful time. We partied, we ate, we drank, we cried, we laughed and we shopped. I wish I had more time to be there. I wanted to do more of all those things, so much more. I also wanted more time to be AWAY. I wanted to be AWAY from the kids and the thoughts and the worries and the stress and the sexyman and the friends and the dog and the house and the job search and the perilously close to Zero bank account. I wanted to be AWAY for longer. More AWAY please.

And that's what hit me Sunday morning as I was walking through the gorgeous little suburb to pick up some Starbucks for my hungover friends back at the house. AWAY. I wanted to keep running AWAY. And now that the realization of what I was doing had struck, there was no chance I could keep doing it. I had to go BACK. Suddenly there were things I wanted to do. Suddenly there were people I wanted to see. NEEDED to see. And I did. And it was very very good.

I am so damn lucky to have the best friends in the entire world. When I'm broken and weepy and crazy they open their doors and their arms wide. (I said best, not smart.) I'm so grateful to Steph for letting me escape to her for a few days. It was exactly what I needed. I'm already mentally planning another trip. A trip when I'm BACK to normal. When I can function and feel like I have something to offer her in return. I still miss her, even though I was just there. That has to tell you something about 1)How completely fucked up I am mentally at the moment 2)How fucking fabulous she is

I am feeling better... and not better. It's still hard to get up every morning. It's still hard to return phone calls and type emails. It's still hard to fake being excited or even happy. But I am at least BACK to hoping this can't last forever. Being away gave me enough HOPE to be able to come BACK.

4 comments:

Stacie said...

I am glad you had a great time and you are BACK even if BACK isn't GREAT, you are BACK.

I don't know why Baby's Got Back song just popped into my head.

Renaissance Woman said...

Im so glad that you had fun, support and clairity on this trip. When depression grabs a hold just sitting up seems difficult...get what you are saying. And hope is right now your best friend. Hold on tight and know that you have a people who can listen, support and who care.

Deb on the Rocks said...

I am so glad you had a little break. Sometimes that is just the CPR that can keep you plowing on until some corner turns and it starts to get better on it's own. Mwah!

MyHope said...

I welcome you with open arms any time. And I offer a wide arrange of treatment options:

Retail therapy
Talk therapy
Adult beverage therapy

My office is always open!