Sunday, August 3, 2008

a million titles...

I have a million and one titles going through my head.
Or perhaps I should just save this post until I'm not fuzzied up on Mom juice...

Conflict, Challenge, Question, Push, Think, Unfit crazy woman...

I'm an intelligent woman. I have strong beliefs. I am a believer. (maybe I just lost half of you saying that). It's true, I believe in God. But I also am a thinker. I like challenge. I like to know what other people think and believe. I am not stagnant. I don't believe because I was told I have to believe. I'm NOT a black and white person. I like the dialog. Gray, that's me. I'm very gray. Quit looking at my hair.

Willing to BUY someone to be opinionated with me.

Maybe it's 6 weeks without a job. Maybe that's my problem...
I'm feeling like I'm floating without an anchor...

I went to church for the first time in 2 months this Sunday. It felt like coming home. It felt like balm on a wound. It felt soothing. But now that I'm home I want someone to poke me. Poke that wound.

My pastor gave the most honest sermon today. He said "I don't have the answers." He said "I don't have answers to YOUR questions." But he wants to explore it with you. He wants to hear your questions and your thoughts. He wants to talk about it.

That's where I'm at. I believe in God. But I love discussing things with people who think differently. I have a friend who believes we are all part of a cosmic soup. It's a very cool concept and parts really strike me as beautiful. I also am a thinking woman who doesn't accept pat answers. In fact, nothing will piss me off quicker.

I'm a pretty damn liberal and opinionated woman. At the same time, I am open-minded. I need the challenge of conversation with people who disagree with me. I thrive on that. It makes me think. It keeps me open. It keeps me alive.

Lately, I feel like I'm in a sea of people who will agree with me just because I said so. Blah, what's the fun in that? Is there a god? I think so. What do you think?

I'm a god-mother to the sweetest little man in the world. He a joy and a gift. I want to love him and smoosh him and kiss him and hug him and watch him explore everything. I want to teach him to ask questions. I want to teach him to listen to his heart. I want him to learn how to love other people who disagree with him. I want for him be so comfortable (not convinced, that is too rigid) in his own heart that what other people think is interesting and makes him think more... I want to share my faith and I want that to be a guide but not the end all be all. Am I too wishy-washy to guild young minds? Maybe she made a mistake when she picked me. That scares me. Does my little Peanut deserve someone who will be able to give him firm answers? Probably. All I can give him is what I think, what i feel, and then listen... I can only pray (yes I said PRAY, did I lose you there? If so, tell me why. I want to hear it) that I say the right things at the right moment. He has two phenomenal parents, but I am a firm believer that it takes a village. Lots of thoughts; lots of different thoughts in order for a child to form an opinion of their own that is educated, that they can "defend" in a way that is intelligent...that is THEIRS. Gah, I'm talking in circles. And I'm talking to myself. I'm not firm enough... Being a God-parent is SCARY. (It was a baptismal Sunday today, forgive the rambling but it fit well with my stream of bizarre consciousness this afternoon). I'm terrified that I'm not fit. I want everything for him (my little Peanut, yes, I'm still talking about him, get over it). I want him to have a faith that is bound up in the very essence of who he is, whatever that may look like. A faithful person doesn't have to be someone who believes in God. (I'm sure I just gave MyHope a heart attack with that). I want him to love to hear what other people think and believe so he can love them more... eeek, I'm being wishy washy again. If she has another baby, maybe she'll make a smarter choice. I'm afraid that I'm too liberal to be a god-mother. Am I not providing enough firm THIS and THAT to guide a little mind? MyHope is hoping to have another baby soon. I pray that she does. I want to see how the little person grows. I want to have amazing conversations with her kids about the world they see around them.... Maybe I'm not fit to be a guide... to be a god-parent... I certainly don't have that firm "you have to think and believe this." mentality. Is that wrong? Possibly.

In my desperate yearning for intelligent and caring and challenging conversation it has made me question everything. I do know that I feel more alive when I talk with people who don't agree with me, with people who respect me and want to hear what I have going on in my head as much as I want to hear what is going on in their head...

I'm in love with an amazing man. He is kind and generous and fun and giving and so damn agreeable it could drive a woman to drink!

The Ex and I used to have great conversations where we didn't always agree. Those were my favorite conversations over the last 13+ years.

I wonder if my desire for non-agreeing conversation means I'm weak or somehow wrong in the head...

Lots of topics and crap in this post. Rambling... I guess I'm just longing for someone to have a REAL conversation with me. Talk to me about politics, religion, right and wrong... I miss that... someone who will not be afraid to disagree with me. I'll love you more for it. In fact, I need it. It makes me understand what I think and feel more. It makes my convictions stronger or changes them because they need to be changed. It also keeps me alive and in touch with the world I live in. At least, that's what I think.

Any thoughts out there?


Loving your Blog! said...

I completely understand what your saying. I think having differences of opinions, faith, desires, and viewpoints is what makes this world go around.

Sometimes I wish to have someone to have an intelligent conversation with, but then I realize I really do not know much.

But this one I have to argue you on, you are the right fit for god-mother. You may not think it right now, but I heard all of MyHope's reasons and wants for a god-mother. You fit those wants. So stop beating yourself up. There is a reason she chose you. Trust me. :) Your an amazing woman from what MyHope has told me, and teaching a child to be open and honest and accepting is a wonderful way to create a young mind that is open to other's ideas and willing to actually listen.

If we all raised our children like that in this world, far less of what is going on would be.

Sassy, I really think your idea's on raising children is good and wonderful. And I am not saying that just to "agree" with you.

Hugs, you must be going stir crazy. Hang in there, a wonderful job will come soon.

MyHope said...

Oh please...who better to be his Godmother than someone to help him grow up strong in his faith AND open to others. I don't make mistakes (well, not in this case, anyway) and you were the right choice. I promise!

Love you and miss you!