Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Sponges

Do you remember sponges?
Not the sea-creature, pointy, eat-you-before-you-actually-drown kind.
Not the sitting on your sink, mildew smelly, bacon grease coated kind.

The I-don't-want-to-push-an-alienbaby-out-mah-vajayjay kind.
Do you remember that kind?

I used to use them. Waaay back in the day, before they discovered that spermies just used it as a trampoline to spring board themselves closer, faster and with more egg penetrating force. Or maybe they discovered that it made the spermies mutate into Republican producing little time bombs. Whatever they discovered, they stopped selling them. But before they stopped selling them I used them. Just so we're clear on this. I didn't use them after people said NOOOOO, you will DIIIIEEEE!!! Cuz I'm smart like that.

La la la, anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, I was using contraception at an absurdly young age with a boy who might have had hair that more closely resembling pubic hair than should ever be allowed without an XXX stamp on his forehead. On one of these contraception using days something went awry. When I tried to remove the cancer causing sperm blocker I could not reach it. I could not find the elastic band thing. My fingers kept... well, you get the picture. Anyway, I had to ask the boyfriend for help and he couldn't get it either. So he went and asked his sister to help. Did you read that? Did you get the full impact of that? My boyfriend's sister had her fingers... We broke up shortly after that.
The end.
P.S. SexyMan is a republican! *gasp* I know I know. I just found out myself. I'm signing him up for a 12 step program. We might need to plan an intervention. I blame the sponges.

If you liked this story, please go thank Deb. She's the one who made me think if it. If you didn't like this story, go tell her anyway.

A more serious and less heeby-jeeby-skeevy post to follow soon.

5 comments:

Bird said...

Reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City--except I think it was a diagphram in that one.

SP said...

I laughed so hard I almost wet myself when watching that episode. They were much more calm than I was. I think I was all teary and boogery and freaking the hell out.

Natalie said...

oh my gosh! the sponge thing! that happened to me too. i totally forgot about that! i couldn't reach it. my husband of about a month couldn't reach it either. i thought i was going to have to call the doctor. one of us finally did get that thing though. i can't even remember who!

SP said...

Sassy: Bringing women together, one misplaced contraceptive device at a time.

Connie said...

Oh my goodness! I had to read that twice.

I used those. And the he was not Sponge Worthy!!