Wednesday, May 21, 2008

D-Day



Monday night, Ex and I went to dinner. We went to dinner to celebrate over 13 years. Yes, today is the day our divorce becomes final but it hasn’t been all bad. In fact, when we were good, we were fucking amazing. I brought all the photo albums and we sat in the restaurant and reminisced for hours. We cried, and we laughed and we promised to always always always be there for each other. No one can take away those memories but it is still so hard to say goodbye to the hopes and dreams we shared.

Were we ever completely and totally head over heels in love with each other? Honestly, I don’t know. There were times when my love for him felt like it would completely consume me, that if I didn’t have him to share my life with that I wouldn’t be able to take another breath. Yet there were times when I was so alone sitting in the same room that I wondered how long it would be before he noticed if I just stopped breathing. Ouch? Yeah, ouch. In my desperate aloneness I gave myself to another man. Ouch? Yeah, ouch. We both hurt each other pretty badly over those 13 years. But you know what else we did? Over 13 years, our friendship grew stronger. Our respect and compassion for each grew stronger.

You have no idea how much I wish we could have loved each other the way we both want and deserve to be loved. Intimately and passionately in a partnership that would last a lifetime. For some reason it wasn’t... and we didn't... or something like that. I’m not going to psychoanalyze the end of my marriage here. Honestly, there is no one on Earth who can understand what went wrong but him and I, and we’re still baffled by some of it. What I do want to do is share something that is so rare:

That man, that wonderful man that I shared over 13 (actually it was 14+) years of my life with; I’m blessed that I can still call that man my best friend in the entire world. We may not have done marriage right, but no one can beat us when it comes to being friends. And I’m lucky enough to be raising my children with this man. We don’t live together any more. But it is still a partnership and there is no one else I’d rather be doing it with.

Is it hard to say goodbye? With tears streaming down my face I can tell you it’s like acid destroying you from the inside out. Luckily, I don’t have to say goodbye to everything. And that’s good because I’m still not convinced that I could keep breathing if I thought Ex wasn’t going to be there tomorrow or next week. Some friendships are like that. They sustain you in ways that nothing else can.

Today, I’m free. And I can enjoy that freedom knowing that my best friend is still there, to listen and laugh and even catch me when I fall.
Ex, today WE are free and I’m so glad we are doing it together.

8 comments:

Me said...

My heart breaks...and yet it is filled with joy. You both need to be happy and as long as you are (and don't shove me out of the picture) then I am happy for you. While I mourn the loss of my "sister" I celebrate the amazing friend I have in you.

Loving your blog said...

I really wish my parents would have had that friendship instead of hatred for each other. Relish every moment you have together, even if its just a friendship. Its important to keep those in your life that bring you laughter and love. And I know there is love there, even if its friendship...its worth keeping. Thanks for a wonderful post.

Renaissance Woman said...

Your kind words for this wonderful man are so moving. I am sad for you that it didn't last as a marriage but the fact that you were honest, loyal and true to each other is amazing. I'm glad that you find comfort in each other...still.

I wish that I could have those kind of memories of my relationship or have a ex who loved me enough to be respectful and kind. You have an amazing gift.

Brunette said...

A great post that really hits home. My husband and I will celebrate 15 years together in August, married 15 years in October. Although, I asked for a divorce almost 2 years ago (what is it with 13), we are still together (long story). He is truly my best friend and always will be, but as a husband / wife, we have grown apart.

Best to you and your new feedom.

Givinya De Elba said...

Oh Ms Sassy Pants, what a lovely post. All the best to you all.

SP said...

Thanks for your kind words. Part of me is still recooperating.

Amy in Ohio said...

What an amazing post to meet you through.

Connie said...

That was so sweet and heartbreaking at the same time.....