Mommahood

With the big day of Mother-worship coming up –and yes, they darn well better worship me! - I’ve been pondering this whole Mom gig and some of the various Mommas I have come across over the years.

Today I’m not going to wax all poetical on your ass about the beauty of being a mom. I’m not going to tell you teary, snot inducing stories about Mothers that were angels sent straight from heaven. Nope. Not. Going. There.

Today we are going to talk about the crazies.

My first real run in with what I would consider a crazy mother was my cousin. She had two children and then promptly decided this whole mom thing was hard and she didn’t want to do it any more. Her mother started raising the kids but she kept holding “custody” over my Aunt’s head and manipulating the kids to get what she wanted. So let’s back up here a minute. She. Didn’t. Want. To. Do. It. Any. More??? What the hell is that? Alright, being truthful, there are days when we all feel like that. But being able to actually walk away from the little demon spawn? I could just as soon sever my own arm with a Taco Bell spork. And they’d still follow the blood trail to find me. You cannot hide. Besides, a little wine and things always seem to get better. Tying them up and locking them in the closet helps too. At least that is what I hear.

My second run in with a crazy mother is a friend’s ex wife. She has bounced 3 checks to the daycare place in the past 2 months, begged other parents to buy her kids happy meals in the McDonalds play land and skipped every one of their school programs/events this year. She has also gotten herself a brand new GIANT tattoo (them things aren’t cheap - $hundreds$of$dollars$) and new set of blouse bunnies. She cancels her plans to spend time with her kids because her new boyfriend wants her to stay home and pour his beer. I’m not making that one up folks. Pour. His. Beer. First of all, don’t be a pussy. Drink it from the bottle like anyone else. Warning, over-share coming. I was blessed with a fabulous set of ta-tas. In fact, I might even go so far as saying there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. I sure as hell do not need/want fun-bags any bigger than they already are. However, the chesticles are not as – dense – as they once were. All pregnant women are visited by the Boob Fairy and I was no different. Thus after the grow and shrinkage of birthing two Things, I’m a bit on the floopy side. Granted, I can roll them up nicely and tuck em into a pretty bra and no one is ever the wiser; unless of course - you know what I mean! and if that is the reason they are looking at them then there better not be any complaining damn it! But, would I like a boobalicious remodel? Hellz Yeah. Would I take the granola bars out of the Things’ mouths to get it? Hmmm, wait. I hadn’t really thought about it that way before. Gimme a minute. How many granola bars do you think it would take? Oh never mind. The mouthy little monsters would probably go to school and tell their friends that Momma got a new set of Hooters. I get ridiculed enough by the PTA crowd without giving them more ammunition.

And my most recent experience with a crazy mom is SexyMan’s ex wife. They are in the middle of a custody battle over the triplets. In order to get full custody of the little ones, this Mom is slandering her 15 year old daughter. She is claiming that this girl does drugs around the kids and that she swears at them and hits them. She is coaching the triplets on what they should tell the Guardian Ad Litem and school counselors. She is destroying one of her children to get custody of the other three. I can’t even come up with a funny about this one. I just don’t fucking get it. This weekend SexyMan and I were kid free and had plans to celebrate my birthday – because it’s all about me, duh – but he has a court meeting thingy this week. We should have known that his ex would not leave things alone. She basically threw the girl out. Then called the cops to say the girl was suicidal. All of this stuff is lies but she manipulates people and situations. She manufactured a fight that didn’t happen. She called in a false police report AND tried to ruin my birthday weekend (it didn’t work so ha-fucking-ha to you crazy lady!) just so she would have more fabricated crap to throw at the judge this week.

Mother’s Day is approaching and while MOST of us have a quasi-pleasant to borderline co-dependant relationship with their Mommas; there are some real whack jobs out there. What’s really weird though is that each of these three women started out as a half-way normal and decent mother. What happened? Did a cyst explode in their brain? What else could explain such drastic changes in a person and such horrifying behavior?

I. Don’t. Get. It.