Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Oh What A Can Of Worms

To answer some questions I've gotten in comments and emails recently - This seemed easier than emailing each person and never getting the full picture out there to each one or anyone for that matter, which really has been my problem all along
- Half a Picture.

My momma always said that I told her way more about my youthful teen angst and hormone driven thoughts than she ever wanted to know. Of course, there were some things I never told… until last year. Now she pretends she didn’t hear it while throwing out tiny poisonous barbs that never fail leave me dripping blood across the floor (but that’s a story for another post).

I am a woman *RAWR*
I dated lots of boys throughout high school and college.
I married a man and popped myself out a couple of kids.
I am very attracted to men. I like what we do together. All good stuff.
I am also very attracted to women. I like what we do together. All good stuff.
I can honestly say that I do not prefer one over the other. However, society being what it is, it is easier to pursue and be a part of a relationship with a man. It is what people expect. The options and avenues for meeting men are everywhere. Pursuing a woman is infinitely more complicated and risky. Where would I go? How would I know that she likes shes too? See? Complicated! The relationships I’ve had with women have always surprised the shit out of me. I have my groove going – I like you and we’ll flirt but I’m just pretending that I’m pretending – and then they actually make a move and so it goes. But those have always been quiet and intimate and NOT PUBLIC relationships.

With the final death rattle of my marriage finally fading away, I’ve done a lot of soul searching. I wish I could say I’ve found all the answers.
I love men.
I love women.

Am I gay?
To be honest, I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am going to be more honest with myself about what makes me happy. I am going to not run away from something because it is different than what people expect. I am just going to be content being me.


rudecactus said...

The last sentence of the post is key. And why do you have to decide. All you have to do is what makes you happy. Don't let the value judgments of others influence you.


Someone once quoted something on their blog that posited the opinion that all women are lesbians. We begin these intimate female/female relationships as children. When we get to childbearing age many of us turn our preferences toward men so that (subconsciously) we can conceive. Once we've had our children we begin to prefer the company of women again -- although we may not all go to the point of being sexually attracted to them. The blogger pointed to the many elderly women one sees in cosy, affectionat coupledom - best friends like when they were children. Personally, I think there is so much more to love about women than men. But, wherever you find love and happiness is where you give your heart. No need for labels.

Ev said...

So does this mean the endearing leering is still on?

Speaking as a reformed heterosexual, sex is great no matter which kind of person you're doing it with. For me, the difference was that I fall in love with women, not men. But that doesn't in any way negate the nice feelings of having the good friction in all the good spots.

And IS all good. :-)

SP said...

Y'all are awesome. This was a scary thing to write.


SP said...

Oh, and Ev...
Bring on the leering!

Steph said...

SO, I've just caught up after what appears to be quite a while (figuratively speaking), and I have to point out one thing:

I distinctly remember that you said that no mother would use the word "popped" to describe childbirth.

I'd like to point out said word in paragraph 3, line 3.

That is all.

Steph said...

OK so it's not all, but that was the only thing I can be judgemental about.

I mean, c'mon, complete vocabulary reversal here!

SP said...

Steph - You are correct. A real mom would never say such a thing. Mine were actually delivered via UPS overnight express. The big belly? Mmmm, tacos. But getting the damn packing tape off the box, now that was a bitch!

Shush! I was making a point and that sometimes calls for drastic vocabulary.

mmm, vocabulary.

Welcome back!