Thursday, November 1, 2007

Because I have a sugar hangover

I was going to post about this anyway, but decided to raid my sent folder and cut-n-paste* instead. Why? Because! (snicker)
Because I have a sugar hang over from last night and I was up with Thing1 until after midnight due to some scary halloween story. So here ya go:

An email I sent to a friend a few weeks ago:
Holy cow the whisker burn and the shakes and the exhaustion... I cannot be trusted to be all responsible for myself. Who's idea was it to go out on a school night, when I have an 8:00 sharp meeting the next day? Who's idea was it to stand outside the bar smooching one of the smoochiest of smoochy men I've had the chance to smooch in forever? Who's idea was it to get home at 2 am and forget to drink a big glass of water or take aspirin or LET THE DOG OUT?!?!?! Yes, all of those ideas were mine. See, I cannot be trusted with myself... or a dog apparently. It was fun though. I think I might like to try it again, not on a school night. Definitely need to repeat the smooching thing. Woohoo

An email to the same friend a few days later:
Well, I bumped into someone who knew someone who introduced me to someone... Anyway, come to find out, Mr. Smoochy is MARRIED!!!! With 2 kids!!!! One of which is only 4 months old!!!! OMG! I hate me. What the hell was I thinking! I am a bad bad woman.
All that was learned Saturday morning. Fast forward to Saturday night and my decision to forgive myself, move on and just let it all dissolve away in a sea of $1 beers downtown. My friend KK introduced me to lots of new friends and soon there were at least 20 of us taking over many tables and having a ball. One guy definitely had my attention. Yummy! However, another guy kept following me around. The one following me - MARRIED!!! I could not ditch the guy. It was awful. The guy I was interested in ended up going home and I didn't even get his number because Mr.Married would not back the hell off. (I just found out that this was a perfect example of a "cock-block." Sassy's vocabulary lesson of the day. Has this happened to any of you? Seriously, I'm freaking out here!)

And so, now I reflect back the past couple of days and can only think: What the hell is wrong with me? Is there a damn sign on my forehead advertising for married men? SalsaM, my most fabulous gay friend has a theory. But his theory makes me sad and I don't like it. Thus, SalsaM is gay and therefore his theory can know nothing of straight men, right? Right? Right!!
His theory goes something like this:
  1. I'm fun and sassy and flirty. (Well duh, we knew that)
  2. Married men see me and remember when their wives used to be like that and so it's quite attractive. (Harumph!!!!)
  3. I'm more settled down than most crazy single girls so I don't scare the married guys away completely with my fun-sass-flirt. (I need to be MORE sassy? Never heard that before)
  4. Thus attracting the married man (SUCK)
  5. In addition... (There's more? I want no more. The first part sucked enough)
  6. I'm more settled down than most crazy single girls (Wait, you said that already, bastard. I don't need to hear this shit twice)
  7. And thus don't really capture and keep the attention of single guys (What?!?!?!?!?!)
  8. And (Dear lord, he's not done yet????) I should be wary of single guys that do seem really interested in me because they are quite possibly looking for another mother. (BOGGLE!!! A WHAT????)

And so I had to kill SalsaM. It's too bad. He was the greatest gay boyfriend I ever had, the rat-bastard.


* All names have been changed to protect the guilty bastards... umm, I mean the innocent!

2 comments:

URBAN PEDESTRIAN said...

Ok. The definitive answer. Women of a certain age and level of confidence in themselves scare the shit out of single guys. Guys your age who are single are interested in vey young women because they think very young women are just into having fun while women who are not very young are desperate for a husband. Men your age who are single are not interested in being husbands, hence they will steer very clear of you. Married men know that when push comes to shove they can always drag out the "can't leave the wife/have to stay for the kids" shit, so they feel perfectly free to chat up every hot (and even not so hot) babe they see in hopes of scoring some action -- especially babes of a certian age because they figure these women know the score and won't go all crazy on them when they offer nothing but a roll in the hay. All this to say, there's nothing wrong with you. It's men. They're all mental. Are you looking for a committed relationship or just some sexy fun? If the latter -- go for younger men.

SP said...

OY VEY!

This single-dating crap is complicated!

I wouldn't run away from a committed relationship but I'm not on a missiont to find one. If it happens, great. If not, well, I'm in no hurry.
How's that for ambiguous.