Hiding out in Rehab

I'm a firm believer in vacation napping.
We played. We napped. We played some more.
It was good.

Now I need a nap to recouperate from my mini-vacation.

Think I can say I'm a fun-addict and hide out in rehab for a few weeks? Sex, fun... what's the difference? And sex should always be fun! It worked for Tiger.

GCF - Chicago Edition

Welcome back to Girl Crush Friday. I'm not actually here this morning. Captain and I are playing in Chicago this weekend for a wedding reception PARTAY; enjoying food, drink, music, wild beasties and perfect friends. Since you all are probably sitting in your dark damp cubicle slaving away for The Man, I thought I'd toss you a bone boob. Here are some women from the Windy City that are worth crushing on...

Joan Cusack

For bringing me the most impossibly ridiculous but lovable support characters in some of my favorite movies.

Candace Parker

WNBA greatness: A woman with a take no prisoners competitive attitude, can TakeItToTheHoop and look that good in that dress.

Tina Fey

Because, Bwahahahahaha, snort, giggle... and she's gorgeous.

Michelle Moody-Adams

Education, intelligence and being an advocate for peace is sexy.

Koko Taylor

A voice like that can make you melt.

And finally...

She is Hil-fucking-arious!

She is brilliant.

She is funny as hell.

She is drop dead gorgeous.

She has made me laugh so hard I might have wet myself.

She is a better friend than anyone could ask for or that I deserve.

A Chicago transplant and one of my original girl crushes:

STEPH

(Did I mention that she's funny?)

Congratulations Steph and Eric.

Were there nothing else for which to praise the heavensbut only love...Only love were cause enoughfor praise. -- Tennyson

My own personal rainbow

Spring is often thought of as the time of love. I'm more of a summer girl myself. My dad says "Growing corn is like having sex. You've got to have plenty of Heat and Moisture." And if that is true then summer is not only perfect for farmers but also lovers.


With the sensory feast that surrounds us this time of year, how can you not be in love... with life.
Hot sweaty sexy life! Mmmm, I'd hit that.

Take a look at the colors of my garden and then try and tell me you'd rather have a brief spring fling instead of a long hot roll in the summer hay. You can't do it, can you?

Wordless Wednesday - Alien Anal Probe Edition

Go Team USA!

Why is it that whenever I read Vuvuzela I think Vulva?

Mine never sounds like that.

P.S. - I want this kid's hat!

Lazy Monday

Because I'm feeling lazy today and I should really be doing something more productive, like, umm, maybe... working? I stumbled across this site via the Bloggess and thought I would share.

I'm going to share 2 that made me snortle this morning. Except I'm going to make you work for them just a lil. You see, they've been blurrified because I don't want to be accused of stealing the goods. Clicky the pictures to see the real dealio and get your own giggle on.

This one is for Amy:

Because it takes a very special person to be a mom:

And because I am special:

Girl Crush Friday

Everyone seems to be doing theme days. And since I'm trying to be a bit more consistent with my posting in order to not get verbally abused by people who claim to be my friends - with friends like that, who needs overbearing, dysfunctional, martyr mothers? - I'm going to give it a try.

I give you:

GIRL CRUSH FRIDAYS

Let's get this party started with none other than PINK!

The boys and I were watching Charlie's Angels 2 the other night and when she came on the screen at the bike race thingy I might have actually moaned. Out Loud. With my children present. Not that it's the first time they've heard me react in such a way to hotness in movies. But I do feel a little guilty every time. It's the same theory I apply to eating brownies. Each time I eat one I make sure I feel a tiny bit of guilt before I go back for another one. This means that I eat slower which is totally supposed to help me lose weight.

The brownie guilt diet: cut down your brownie habit from 6 in an hour to 4 with one easy step. Watch the pounds melt away.

Mmm, Halle...

Oh, sorry. We weren't talking about Halle - although I can pretty much guarantee that she'll pop up on GCF (Girl Crush Friday. See how I did that? I created my own catchy acronym. I am the awesome) - today we are discussing Pink.

My crush on Pink has to do with several factors. She is not a Lohan type train wreck and yet I get the feeling that she'd be fucking cool as hell to party with. She is strong and opinionated and completely unapologetic about that. Her music is fun. And most importantly...

I'm hearing Dave Matthews lyrics: I like coffee with toast and jelly but I'd rather be licking you from your back to your belly...

This woman has the hottest abs on a woman I have ever seen.

*moan*

Happy Friday My Sass-alicious Loverlies.

A bit of random

Let me begin with a little whine to go with your daily cheese.
I slept wrong. My neck hurts. A lot.
That is all.


I tried airbrush tanning last night. I'm not orange. And other than a little too much color around my wrists that I'll take care of later today, I'm really happy with it. Bring on bikini season!


OK, and to wrap it up this gorgeous sunny Thursday --->

Before you yell at me, let me just say that this is SAD.
It's BAD to kill people.
Sad and Bad.
But there's something insidious going on here as well. Take a look:

JEFFERSON, Wis. (AP)
-- An aging con man convicted of killing two young
couples in Wisconsin and Ohio decades ago claims he also shot his foster son to death.
In a jailhouse interview with The Associated Press, 77-year-old Edward W. Edwards
says he lured Dannie Boy Edwards to a secluded cemetery near the family's home
in Burton, Ohio, in 1996. He said he pressed a 20-gauge shotgun to the man's chest and pulled the trigger twice.

Edward Edwards and Dannie Boy Edwards? Really? What kind of parent does that to their children?

Wordless Wednesday - Captions Edition

It's Wednesday, the sun is shining for the first time in 487 days and I'm stuck in my fucking office working... ok, not really work-working, but still... It's sucks Donkey Schlong.

So, I'm asking you, my Super Duper InterWeb Loverlies to entertain me.

What's your clever caption for this picture?

Clearing a few things up

1) What was the last thing you put in your mouth?



















And to answer a couple of your other questions:

• I have no idea what my natural hair color is.
• Officially, we'll be calling him Captain from now on. Tupac was sort of a transitional nickname until I could decide on the real one. Kind of like when you were pregnant and you kept calling the baby Spud or Peanut or OneTequilaTooMany.
• If it itches and smells THAT bad you should definitely go see a doctor
• No, I don't think I'd like to be diapered and have my body greased up with Crisco. Thanks for the offer though.

Whiny Bitches*

Since the whining* is starting to increase, I suppose it's time I stop having an IRL life for a few minutes and throw back some shots with my cyber posse.

Let's begin by rubbing one out, fast and furious, for old times' sake...
This is a "MeMe" I've had stuck in my drafts folder for over a year.

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Your Mom! ok, ok, now that I've gotten that out of my system. A Sausage. no, wait. I'm sorry. Please don't go. I realize it's been a long time since we hung out and you've probably grown up while I have remained a 14 year old boy. It's not my fault. Immaturity is a DISEASE people. And really, it is impossible to take this question seriously.

2. Where was your profile picture taken?
On a street corner while soliciting prostitutes and shooting up with draino. But that's only on Facebook. I try to keep it clean for my family. All the rest are straight up crazy, yo!

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
I completely rock the “window licker” level which is about 4 steps below “easy”.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today. What was it about?
Heather. You can blame her for my completely inappropriate post today, not to mention the fact that I'm soiling your day with a post at all. If you would like to share my laugh, go watch Grumpy Old Men again. Burgess Meredith is fucking hilarious - in fact, the extras of him at the end are almost better than the movie!

5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
Midnight. But I'm not going to tell you why. That's private. I don't need the entire world knowing every time I burn through batteries and call out my own name 3 TIMES (Oh yes, I am that good). You might start to think I'm pervy.

6. If you could move somewhere else where would you and why?
This question sucks. b-o-r-i-n-g. But just to prove I can type a paragraph without referencing sex, poop, drugs and booze: I don’t actually want to move anywhere. I like here. BUT, I would like to bend the laws of physics, space, time travel and Mr. Jolly’s Geography class in order to move here and there closer together. Here being the House of Sass, just north of CowTown, WI. There being Holy Fuck Mah Brainz ar melting, AZ.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
... crap. I actually don't think I have. WTF is up with that? This year I'm going to run around the park kissing every hot man I find. I might even kiss a couple not-hot ones. Because after that much running my vision is likely to be blurry just before I have a stroke and pass out.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Ex, he lives in the basement. Hard to beat that one. Outside the house, Marge and Homer live across the street. I also have an imaginary friend who lives a couple blocks over, under the dead maple tree across the street from a pot dealer who moonlights as Father FunDip from St Francis of the Holy SwingSet.

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? With benefits?
Please refer to question 8. And that particular Ex aside (no Heather, we still haven't. And the countdown for him to move out has begun --huzzah!!!), I’ve done the FWB thing before and it’s always emotionally unhealthy for at least one person. The sex may be great but someone is getting screwed and not in the good way.

10. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
If nothing else, it cuts down on the amount of batteries in land fills around the world. And I'm nothing if not environmentally conscious. I have a bumper sticker on my Hemi that says: SAVE THE PLANET - GO GREEN BETWEEN THE SHEETS!

11. Are you a bad influence?
I wouldn't be very much fun if I weren't. For example, I’m currently teaching J2 how to be a competent alcoholic without all the fluffy girly drinks. She’s a fast learner.

12. What does the last text message in your inbox say? “I could beat her up, make her fugly and undatable. I think I still have my brass knuckles from Halloween last year” – Ah, the devotion of some friends is simply amazing... and scary.

13. How do you feel about your life right now?
No bull shit on this one. It's really good.

14. Do you hate anyone?
Nope. I find the very existence of some people offensive but still, no hate. Hate takes too damn much work and I'm lazy as hell.

15. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
How long does draino stay in your system? OF COURSE.

16. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes and it was always someone who was trying to get into my pants. Funny thing is I think imperfect is so much more fun and sexy.

* This post is dedicated to Heather and Stacie -2 giant pains in my dimpled ass! Big wet slobbery kisses to you both.