Saturday, September 25, 2010

Sex with an ex

disclaimer: I am not currently having sex with Ex or any ex for that matter. That would make typing difficult as I'm sort of hands on when it comes to sex. But also, my options for sex of late - with an ex or with an eventually-ex are ZERO. Still it seems to be a topic that needs discussion. So here we go.

Secret Diary of a Call Girl says:

The benefits of sex with an ex:
* No chance of being shocked by what he looks like naked for the first time. That horrible mole is right where you left it.
* Not having to awkwardly ask for contact details after. If you don't have them, it's not by accident.
* He knows where your buttons are, how many there are, how long they need to be pressed, and whether they should go side-to-side, up and down, or in little circles.

And the drawbacks:
* There's probably a good reason you're not together anymore. A very good reason.
* One of you will think this means the relationship is back on.
* There is absolutely no way you can tell any of your friends without coming off as the worlds biggest prat. After all, they had to live with you post break-up, right?

Amen, Sista. Amen!

But just for funsies, let's go back and look at this with regards to the those who have actually played in Sassy's pants, shall we?

Sex with THE ex, meaning Ex would undeniably be a terrible idea. Not that the actual sex would be terrible (Hi Ex, how are ya? How's the girlfriend?) but rather that the potential for a mental and emotional mess is good. We're confusing enough to everyone around us already, with the whole living in my basement thing, let's not add to that.

If a replay with Ex would be bad. A re-do with SM would be a disaster of epic proportions. Again, the sex itself, I have no doubt, would be fantasma-orgasmic. But my heart just could not handle it. And I'm pretty sure his current girlfriend would cut to me to teeny tiny pieces and eat me for brunch.

Buffet. Hmm, now that one might be interesting. I wasn't crushed when it ended. And it was certainly fun. But we cross each other's path often enough, particularly with families and kidlings in tow that our coupling would undoubtedly become a family affair of sorts and I'd like to not be the gossip du jour at the Thanksgiving Day table.

Rooster. Our mini-affair was not head board shaking the first time. I can't imagine it would be better now. And the whole poop thing? Next...

The Captain. Ah yes. Been there done that. Not so much because the event is worthy of fireworks and a parade but because it sort of scratches the itch, ya know? Not exactly a good idea but when have I ever been one to make the best decisions? I should probably work on that.

I would consider letting the guitar guy strum my strings again just to have one last hoorah. He certainly was a concert of orgasmic goodness. But in the end we just didn't have anything in common outside of the sweet sweet bedroom music. Hmm, maybe that's the only way to do ex-sex, when there really never was more than the sex to begin with?

And that sums it up. Sassy's sexcapades seem to be destined for the battery operated kind for a while. Anyone want to mail me some new porn? My stuff is starting to get predictable.


Jersey Girl Gets Real said...

LOL...this is sort of funny to me because my Ex was the WORST in bed. Absolutely no desire to go there with him...still liked your post though :)

Stephanie said...

Um, I'm sorry. I seem to have missed the portion of your blog where you tell us about Rooster POO?

Which part of this was OK, and how quickly did you show him the door (and the hose)?

SP said...

Rooster Poo story:

Stacie's Madness said...

I read something before...

He's your Ex because he is an EXample of what you don't want...

I'd not sleep with ANY of my ex's ever again...

Thank goodness that Mr.FF is one of the best ones I've ever been with sexually and otherwise.