BeardedClam - Wiener - Hooters

WARNING, this could get graphic. If you are now or ever have been related to me, you might want to just look away right now.


I love me some dirty talk. Phone sex, text sex, steamy love letters, quickie lunch box post-its and head-board banging screams of "Fuck Me Now" all get me hot and bothered. The combination of warm breath whispering across my ear and a throaty voice promising what's to come can take good sex and rocket it through the roof. But as much as I like the verbal foreplay I have to admit that I've always been hesitant to open my mouth with a new partner, at least to form actual words. What if I say the wrong thing? I like it "dirty" but does he? Will it just sound silly? What if it completely turns her off? Those are scary questions, especially when you are en route to a happy ending and afraid you might be forced to cut the party short. What exactly constitutes dirty? Good and dirty? Is there bad and dirty, and is that actually good?


The Urban Diction has hundreds of words and phrases to describe the human playground. Some you've heard and some are just plain ridiculous. With such a vast naughty vocabulary to filter through you are bound to discover that some words just don't flip your switch. A lot of women don't like Cunt. I would imagine that most men would prefer you not call it his Lil'Willie. It's a verbal mine-field.


And even when you have the right words, the way it's said can ruin the moment too. Recently, while tubbing it, I was texting SM hoping he'd give me motivation to steam up the bathroom mirror even more. I thought that maybe he was getting the gist of things... Until he sent me "Lick Lick Suck then Fuck." (*crickets*) No, seriously. He actually sent that. We weren't trading raunchy nursery rhymes, people. That was actually intended to turn me on. It didn't. Now don't get me wrong, none of those words are taboo words for me. But in the context of my phone I just heard Andrew Dice Clay in his NY accent saying "Hey bitch, it's lick lick suck then fuck." My moment was ruined. I tried to salvage it and asked for details. Lick where? Suck what? Fuck how? That's when I learned that he had a child on his lap and couldn't mentally go there at the moment. Sheesh, now I'm the nasty woman who was trying to seduce some one's Daddy. Game over.


A few days later, SM asked me what words I liked. In truth, for me it's all about the context. I'm not a fan of the word Cunt but under the right circumstances it might work. However, child play will turn me off very quickly They are not boobies and and there damn well better not be a baby in the room. I'm not a naughty little girl and you are not a dirty boy. That's just, ummm... No.

Where am I going with this? I'm not sure except that now I'm curious: When talking dirty, which words turn up the heat and which stop you cold?