This guest post is by MyHope. I've mentioned her many times here. She's my Ex-SIL and I love her with the love of great big giant water balloons of love. So when I drop them they will splash all over you. You can't help but get hit by them and love her too.
Anyhoo, she needed some anonymity for a post and I offered up my home. She needs some outside the family feedback from people who have done the mom thing and can give her some support and hopefully from some people who have been where she is right now.
I have a son. He is almost two and a pain in the ass. I love him. So much it makes my heart hurt. And although that sounds so cliche, it is true.
I have always wanted a big family. Growing up with siblings was wonderful. I can't imagine it any other way. I want the same thing for my son. I used to think that I wanted five to seven kids. After I had one, I got realistic and decided three would be my golden number. I had a girlfriend tell me that I better get pregnant again before my son turned two--or he would be so awful that I wouldn't want any more kids. I laughed at that, but thought about the age difference that I would like between kids. There were three years between my older brother and I. I enjoyed the age difference growing up, but looking at my nephews that were not quite two years apart, I started thinking that was good.
So, when my son was just over one year old, we started trying to get pregnant. I stopped my birth control in October of 2007. Now eight months and three rounds of Clomid later, still no pregnancy.
As a woman with fertility issues, you feel "broken". You are supposed to be able to conceive. Have children. It is as natural as things get. When something is wrong, you feel like you are unnatural. It is a hard thing to explain. Each month you calculate your cycle...time everything just perfectly and each month you get a negative pregnancy test. It is heart wrenching. Suddenly getting pregnant is all you can think about. It consumes your life, your emotions, your everything.
In a moment of clarity (brought about by a tall vanilla vodka and Diet Coke after yet another pregnancy test came back negative) I realized I was letting my obsession with the thought of a future child cloud my interaction and my happiness with my son. My depression from the fertility issues and the moodiness and anger from the Clomid was making things very difficult. It was not a good place for any of us to be.
Then I realized that I should be happy that getting pregnant with my son was not a big ordeal. That it happened relatively quickly. That he is happy and healthy. I am grateful for that. I need to remember that if there are no siblings for him, that it is okay. That we are okay. That I am okay.
Now if I can convince my heart of what my head says is logical, we will be great.