Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Easter Story

While doing some banking the other day I overhead the craziest Easter story you will encounter.

This is not a warm, fuzzy, feel good Easter Story. This is a Holy-Fuck at least my family is not that weird Easter Story. Although, maybe her Grampy would like to adopt me...

Candi (with an I, thankyouverymuch) trotted her 6 inch plastic heals up to the bank teller and slapped a check down on the counter only to have one of her dragon talon hot pink fake nails pop off and go flying in the air, landing at my feet. Prancing over in her skin tight Wal-Mart stirrup leggings, she giggled at me and said something about how her asthetitician (how the fuck do you spell that word?) was on vacation with all the tip money she left. Whatever lady! Take your trashy ass back to the counter and finish up. I’ve got to get back to work; my eBay auction is ending in 25 minutes.

As I drifted through my fabulous three-some fantasy with Dermott Mulroney and Charlize Theron I started to hear a high pitched buzz in my head. Damn it all to hell, the buzz was interfering with the sweet nothings Dermott was whispering into my… ear. Jolted out of my happy place I discover that Candi is mid-temper tantrum. She is stomping her feet and flipping her peroxide dry hair all over the place. It was quite a sight to behold.

Teller: I’m sorry ma’am but your account does not have the funds to cover this
check. It must be placed on hold while we wait for it to clear XYZ bank. The maximum amount of time for this hold is 7 business days.

Candi: Noooooo!!!! That’s a check from my Grampy. You can call him. Hold on, let me get my phone and you can call Grampy.

Teller: No ma’am, I cannot do that…

(Another nail pops off as Candi rummages through her massive carpet bag)

Teller: It would not make a difference. You have only had this account for 6 weeks and it has been over drawn for most of that time. I’m afraid the hold is required.

Candi: Nooooo!!! (This is the wailing that robbed me of Charlize’s sweet lips) Nooooo!!!! You don’t understand. I have to have the cash tomorrow.

Teller: That’s not possib…

Candi: Wait, if you just let me explain. It’s my Grampy’s Easter present to me.

Teller: I don’t see how the reason for the check will affect the hold ma’am.

Candi: I’m scheduled for surgery tomorrow. I need this money to pay the doc. My Grampy wanted this for me. I haaaaaaave to haaaaaave the mooooohnaaaaaay.

Teller: I’m very sorry to hear about your surgery but there really is nothing I can do. I’m sure the hospital would be willing to work something out with you.

Candi: (dumb deer in the headlights stare) hospital?

Teller: The hospital, for your surgery? (Looking suspicious)

Candi: (giggle squeal giggle) Oh no, it’s not that kind of surgery. I’m getting’ my boobies made bigger. Grampy says Jesus wants all women to have bigger

Teller: (stunned silence)

Candi: See, you helping me would make Jesus happy. You’re really going to make Jesus sad just before his big day?

Teller: (nodding her head, mouth agape) Yes ma'am, I'm afraid I am.

Candi: Where else am I supposed to come up with $876.27?

And so I leave you with these early Easter thoughts:

  • Have you ever met a classy woman named Candi?
  • What kind of folding table nasty doctor does a boob job for $876.27??
  • Jesus likes big boobies. I knew the man was awesome before but now… Jesus, you are the MAN!

    Mmmmm, boobies!


Deb said...

I thought Jesus loved the little titties?

hangel said...

Is this for real? Or just a story you made up for entertainment value?

Bill said...

I thought it was only us guys who called them "boobies" and then giggled in public.

SP said...

Nope, true as can be. Crazy but true!